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What would you say to a girl who has flunked Prelims four times?
That she has little time left before she winds up her UPSC journey.
Or that she should be in an effort minimization mode, spend no single penny on her further preparation.
Perhaps look for a job elsewhere, and recover some of the time and money that she lost in preparation?
Or perhaps that her parents are right, and she should quit the preparation and get married and settle down.
I met exactly Natasha almost 2 and a half years ago. Dejected, to the point of surrender.
“Sir, I think I have done all that I could for this exam but could not clear the Prelims. And I have just two attempts left. I do not know what I am doing wrong, nor do I know what I can do to clear this exam. I am completely clueless.”
Meeting someone clueless after Prelims result isn’t unusual.
Now when it comes to clueless people, there are two kinds of them you meet in Civils preparation.
One of them, are those who know deep inside they have not studied. They have been doing hanky panky, half of this and half of that,and nothing completely. They aren’t the real clueless ones. Deep inside they just know that they need to study and they make it thorugh the prelims.
The second one is of those, who have really worked hard, looked around, tried to find out what is working for the exam – then done that – and despite the hard work that is needed to clear the exam, they are unable to clear it.
The difference lies in how many of us are willing to work despite failure.
When I was younger, I always valued genius / sharpness over experience / effort.
As I have grown as a Mentor , teacher and a writer, I now value efforts much more than genius. For I have seen how very ordinary people have altered the course of their life – nay- the course of their family tree by the extraordinary amount of effort they have put. I like to believe that clearing the Civil Services exam, for some people can provide a double generational leap. In other words, for some of us, clearing this exam can take our family to places where it would otherwise take two generations to reach.
Natasha was a JNU scholar. That is the one thing she had in common with Amritpal Kaur and Singh – ( the now IPS couple ) I met few years back, when they had failed prelims about 4 times or so.
Natasha had shared the same PG as FoumIAS 1st Foundation Batch Student Minal. Flunking the prelims is like a social sin – people look down at you, your legitimacy is challenged, and you join the crowd of millions of people who dream of IAS, but may not even study a few dozen hours for it. And everyone thinks you don’t study. Even if you did.
I told Natasha what I had told Amritpals a few years ago, do SFG for Prelims well, and then get back to me.
I still remember Minal say it almost half a decade ago – I came to Forum, and joined the program and followed it to the letter T.
Natasha was Minal on steroids.
I would see her for months walk in and walk out – making Forum her second home, to the point that everyone at Forum – the mentors, the distribution folks, the support staff – they all knew her.
And Natasha wrote het 5th Prelims. And when she did, I said to her – Natasha, now you are in the process, and you have to study. Instead of wasting this time guessing whether you will clear Prelims or not, I would want you to sit in class and study.
I will be taking Ethics classes and I want you to sit in the class and just not miss it every single day.
I secretly felt that Natasha would clear the prelims and then disappear celebrating that success as her magnum opus – whereas the hard truth is that clearing the prelims or the Mains – in the end – means nothing if we are not in the final list.
And come Natasha did. Every single class, she sat in the front row. Even if it rained and if there were 5 kids in the class, Natasha would be one of them.
And then one day, whilst in the class, the results came. I saw some faces turn red, and we ended the class. People rushed home, and then I got a phone call from her.
In a shaky voice, almost to the point of a breakdown, she said – “Sir my name is there in the list. I have cleared Prelims. For the first time in five years!” The disbelief in her voice was evident. As if it were a miracle.
Now the thing with success is that when we succeed, we don’t understand why others are not succeeding.
And when we fail, we feel that how come others who are working lesser than us are finding success!
This is Natasha’s story. And I asked her to write it ( and not make a fancy video ) old school style.
At first she did not.
And then she did.
Here it is – in her own words
Hello everyone!
My name is Natasha Goyal. I was able to clear my prelims for the first time in my 5th attempt, and somehow managed to become an IPS officer in the same attempt.
My journey of UPSC preparation started in 2017, after I had completed my M.Phil dissertation and enrolled into PhD program. The dream of getting into civil services took inception in 2009, but family circumstances led me to focus on my academics as a priority.
Like most people I wrote my first attempt without much preparation, thinking to get a feel of the exam. As was natural, I was not able to qualify the prelims in my very first attempt.
At this point, I thought that I needed to do coaching. And that is when
in 2017, I joined Vajiram for GS foundation program and Optional (PSIR) and did every single class diligently. In 2018, after a whole year of preparation, I sat for my second attempt at UPSC prelims exam and was still not able to clear the Prelims.
Failure in the very first stage of exam was a huge setback for me. I had thought that since now I had done coaching properly, I should be in a position to clear the exam. However, my brother, who was a continuous pillar of support for me, did not allow me to quit. He asked me to prepare again and sit for the exam one more time.
In September 2018, I joined Aspire Institute for prelims cum mains preparation for 2019 attempt. The basic idea of joining the offline classes at Aspire was to ensure that I am devoting fixed number of hours into preparation every day, since work pressures on academic front (PhD coursework) and two consecutive prelims failure was an easy excuse to leave this arduous UPSC journey.
With preparation of around 3-4 months, I sat for prelims exam in 2019, with the result of a failure again. The result was heartbreaking, but offline classes at Aspire from 2 PM to 10.30 PM everyday (which extended from 7 AM to 10 PM as prelims approached) made me realize that – UPSC demands hard work. There is no short cut or magic pill anywhere. We need to do basics properly, which means – reading NCERT and standard books and going through PYQ’s as the bare minimum. I used to attend every class at Aspire and then reach JNU at around 11.30 PM at night in December- January winters, driving all by myself on a two wheeler vehicle, as I was required to report to my supervisor for my PhD every morning. Dropping out of PhD was not an option, due to financial constraints.
When we give ourselves too many options, we often remain confused and this confusion eats up majority of our energy. The increasing workload of PhD demanded me to focus back on my academics and sailing in two boats, I could do justice to none – neither UPSC nor academics. I had joined for MGP tests at forum, but could write barely 3-4 tests. So, I decided to drop the 2020 prelims exam and complete one thing diligently first – PhD thesis. After submitting thesis in August 2020, I came to ORN to prepare full time for UPSC exam. With only three attempts left at the exam and age limit criteria, it was a big risk to take. Coming from a business family, I was not sure if my father would be willing to support me financially in case of future failures. However, somewhere I knew I had not put in my best yet, there was lack of self-study and my efforts had been very scattered for this exam.
Starting from September 2020, I prepared for prelims 2021 for complete one year. This time, I did not join any classes and opted for complete self-study. When the exam got delayed due to COVID, I joined Answer Writing Focused Group (AWFG) online at Forum, for mains answer writing practice. The program gave a fixed time schedule, helping to cover the syllabus and a test every morning helped to inculcate a sense of discipline and save from slipping into boredom. I had also joined SFG phase 2 online, since offline was not allowed as per government COVID guidelines.
Prelims exam in October 2021 came with yet another failure – fourth time in a row. This was the lowest moment in my whole preparation journey of 4- 5 years. Initially, while preparing for prelims along with PhD, I thought may be the efforts were not complete, since I was barely devoting any proper time for self- study, was always running from one class to another and then academic work occupied whatever little time I could afford. However, failing the fourth time was extremely devastating, more so because I had not opted for any career option after submitting my PhD thesis.
All doubts hovered in my head – “what is it that I am doing wrong and faltering at even the qualifying stage? Did I take the right decision of preparing for this exam, should I have opted for career in teaching or researcher like my batch-mates had done? Ye exam niklega bhi kabhi? Should I change my optional, since I cannot afford to fail in mains, with only two attempts left?”. Voices in the head were overwhelming. That’s when I happened to talk to Jyoti Yadav Mam (AIR, 437, UPSC CSE 2019).
She shared her own journey of constant failures and said, “IT’S OKAY TO FAIL. Don’t let failures in this exam make you question your own worth as an individual. DROP THE BAGGAGE OF FOUR FAILED PRELIMS. You do not need 6 attempts to clear this exam. You just need one”. Assuring voice from my father gave some hope when he said, “life doesn’t end with failure in one exam. Your education has made you capable enough to be able to earn for yourself”.
This was the time when I met Ayush Sir at Forum for the first time. The first question he asked was, “when did you start preparing for prelims”. “July” I answered. Understanding the problem in just one word, he simply said, “If we are failing at something, that means it needs more TIME and more EFFORT. If with three months of preparation, we are not clearing prelims, that means it needs more time – ATLEAST 5 months of focused preparation from December onwards. Students generally say, they have accuracy problem in prelims, without realizing it is the knowledge deficit, which can only be covered through diligent efforts, meaning writing every test of SFG sincerely”. He asked me to send him my scorecard of SFG tests every week.
Often what students do is – after prelims failure, they start to prepare for prelims more diligently from July to December. However, as prelims exam approaches, they realize that they are not prepared well enough for mains and hence shift to mains preparation from January to March, thinking -‘prelims dekar kya ho jayega, if we end up failing in mains’. The result is – messed up prelims exam and a whole year wasted.
Ayush Sir always asks to follow the exam cycle – complete mains preparation till November month (which means writing every single test of MGP and optional) and switch to prelims from December onwards, with 6 months completely dedicated to prelims preparation. This way, the momentum for prelims can be picked up at the right time. The hard work done between July to December for mains, pushed me to not give up on prelims at any cost, since all the hard work done, time and money invested would go waste. I could not afford that.
After multiple failures, we start to overanalyze things – “will my optional work, is one test series for mains okay or I should join two. Are my notes good enough for mains exam”. In short – “thinking about work”, rather than “working”. We end up complicating the exam by collecting endless material from market and internet, to make our notes PERFECT. Becoming a ‘material collector’ out of greed or fear of missing out. I have done all the possible material collection all these years, but left with no time or energy to cover any of it later. We keep procrastinating tests for the simple reason that the monotonous task of revising the same content 10 times needs patience. Making fear of answer writing an excuse for not writing tests, as we do not wish to face our imperfections. One does not learn to swim by just standing outside the pool, no matter how good the instructor is!
The golden rule for UPSC exam– read one books ten times, instead of ten books one time. Start with average notes, average answer. Cover the bare minimum first. Writing mains tests made me realize the futility of collecting material and I told myself – I will first cover whatever content I already have. Basic idea is to cover every single line mentioned in the syllabus, have some content on every single portion of syllabus, instead of collecting content from 3 sources on a single topic – land reforms in India.
I decided not to complicate my preparation this time and keep it simple. Not to aim for solving 60 prelims tests just because a topper said so in his video. May be he was thorough with his Laxmikant and Spectrum, I was not. May be he had already covered his NCERTs properly, I had not. I decided to do the basics first, PROPERLY. The booklist for GS followed was of Minal Karanwal Mam ((450) Must Read Book List for UPSC CSE/IAS 2020 Aspirants – Prelims & Mains I Minal Karanwal (AIR 35) – YouTube).
I would note down every single feedback given by my mentors on GS and optional tests, to rectify my mistakes and work on suggestions in the next test. Improvement started happening after having written 4-5 tests. I completed all possible tests of MGP and optional till December 26, 2021 and switched to prelims, as soon as the Entrance test for SFG happened. Completing both the levels of SFG, having written every single test daily, helped to cover the whole syllabus 4-5 times, by the end of April 2022. Month of May was used for self-study, specifically focusing on the areas I was weak at – for eg. Acts and regulations under the British India, Concepts of economy such as revenue receipt and capital receipt. SFG helped me to understand the areas of static portion which I was weak at and needed more revisions. It also helped to train my mind to PERFORM IN STRESS (since SFG is an extremely demanding program). Being from humanities background, I was also weak at CSAT and so decided to take classes online for around two and a half months, followed by practice of 10 questions EVERYDAY (from January till May).
This time, there was a positive result in fifth prelims. There were doubts whether, ‘one test series is sufficient or if I should join at two places especially for ethics and optional paper. Jyoti Yadav Mam gave an important suggestion at this crucial hour – “COVER THE BARE MINIMUM FIRST. Cover the content you already have, write the tests at one place you have already joined, revise through the answer solutions. Later, if time will permit, we will cover more”.
Hence, three months between prelims and mains were used solely for revision and writing tests, instead of collecting more material or making notes. I only made very short notes at end for quick revision one week before the exam, but this was done once basic notes were already revised 10-12 times. (Short notes for mains are attached for reference purpose).
One big challenge I faced was not being able to complete either GS or optional paper in three hours’ time. There was just one week left for mains exam, and I was still struggling to cover the margin of 30 questions in every test I wrote. At this stage, I realized some important lessons –
à Not to run after collecting too many points on one topic. Ultimately, there will be only 7 minutes to write 10 marks question and 11 minutes for 15 marks question and limited space given in the answer script.
à Revising the same content at least 10-12 times is very important, to be able to recollect the points under the extreme pressure of those 3 hours. One cannot afford to even lift the pen or think for more than 2 minutes – EVERY MINUTE in that exam hall counts. Only those points will come to mind, which have been internalized well after repeated iterations.
à Focusing on writing the perfect answers at the cost of completing the paper is not a good idea.
For the last remaining 15 days of September month, I solely focused on one thing – REVISION. Thankfully, it helped to complete all the papers in the exam hall. Mains result was followed by interview call and culminated into name in the final list.
One question I have been asked by many aspirants has been – how did I keep myself motivated all these years, despite so many failures?
It is said – when the ‘why’ becomes clear, the ‘how’ becomes easy.
Behind my whole academic and UPSC journey, was a mother’s struggle to educate her two daughters. In a patriarchal set up from where I come, everyone around would constantly tell her, “ghar ka kaam sikhaa kar time par shaadi kar de dono ki” (teach them household chores and get them married off at right time). However, she would reply, “meri beti to afsar banegi” (my daughter would become an officer). She never gave up on her daughter’s dreams. I had failed to qualify for IIT exam in Class 12th, for the simple reason – I did not study. I ended up in a small college for my graduation studies in my city, with a simple BA degree, scoring barely 72 percent marks. Despite so many failures, she never gave up on me. I remember going through a financial crisis and unable to afford fee for my college education. She said, “Tum padho. Paise ki chinta mat karo. Tumhe padhaane ke lie main apni kidney bhi bech dungi” (you focus on your studies. Don’t worry about your fee. I can even sell my kidney to teach both of you). How could I have not persevered!
There were many moments when I felt like giving up, but her struggles, her faith didn’t let me. Reading the story of Pushp Lata mam (All India Rank 80, UPSC CSE 2017, The Inspiring Story of Pushp Lata, IAS Rank 80, and a Mother of Five Year Old child -ForumIAS Blog) made me realize that there was no room for “poor me” attitude. If someone is clearing this exam despite so many challenges and responsibilities, I have all the possible resources, guidance and support with me. Ranjeeta Sharma Mam (AIR 130, UPSC CSE 2018) has rightly said – “if someone is having better chances than you in this exam, it is not because they are more gifted than you are. They are just working harder than you are”. Beyond a point, it’s not even about hard-work, since everyone preparing for this exam is doing that. It’s about – HOW BADLY YOU WANT IT TO HAPPEN.
The pain of regret and guilt of failing in the IIT exam and compartment in political science paper in BA second year of college constantly haunted me. I often questioned my ability to even sit for such an exam, where aspirants from many premier institutions sit to compete against each other. However, the years of rigorous academic study at JNU taught me one thing – excellence in any field is not coincidental. It is a culmination of dedicated efforts over a long span of time. Words said by my teacher- brother came to my mind, “Do not make your past an excuse, to not work in the present. Just trust yourself. Put your heart and soul and surrender”.
The negative voices in the head might tell you– “you are good for nothing, what if luck does not favor again, should I have opted for a job as plan B instead of trying my chances here”.
Overthinking à stress/ anxiety à insomnia à poor work productivity
We suffer more in our imagination than reality. Stop worrying about the things that may not probably occur. If the UPSC journey is of 50,000 steps in a day, just walk 50 steps today and go to sleep. Next day, again walk 50 steps and go back to sleep.
Three things helped me immensely –
- a) Meditation practice – which I did as first thing in the morning – DAILY
- b) Planned and targeted study – 3 slots of 3 hours study each – with tasks planned for each slot, to avoid day dreaming or sulking into negativity. Plan one night before to avoid decision deficit in the morning. When we waste two hours of morning in deciding what to study, negativity creeps in.
- c) Test Series.
As Newayn has said, “you are as good as your test scores, and not as good as you feel. Your test series score is a number. It can be improved with effort. Your mood swings / depression? I cannot say for sure. WORK ON IMPROVING YOUR TEST SCORES. Do not overestimate what you can do in a day. Do not underestimate what you can do in a month”.
We have no control over the final result or the negative thoughts that hover over in our heads uninvited, but we do have control over SHOWING UP EVERYDAY for each class and each test. CONTROL THE CONTROLLABLES.
After a certain point in preparation, it’s not knowledge deficit. It’s the inability to perform in stress. Only REVISION and PRACTICE can help to train our mind to retrieve content in that pressure of two hours of prelims and three hours of mains. Don’t believe me? I had marked this question wrong in prelims 2021 due to lack of revision and practice, even though I have been a political science student since my graduation:
“What was the exact constitutional status of India on 26th January 1950?
- A democratic Republic
- A Sovereign Democratic Republic
- A Sovereign, Secular, Democratic Republic
- A Sovereign, Socialist, Secular, Democratic, Republic”
We cannot expect stress to NOT be there on 26 May 2024. But we CAN CONTROL the tests we are practicing and the number of revisions we are having.
Taking offline classes helped the overthinking person that I am, to use my time productively, especially during lenient months of preparation between July – December. Everyone studies during February – June to write prelims, and between July – September to write mains. Real competition is decided in the months between October – December, when majority may waste their time. If you are working silently during those three months, your chances are obviously better.
I have often had emotional breakdowns in this journey. I would even have tears at times, walking up the stairs to reach Forum to write test, until the quote up on the wall said – “the pain you feel today, is the strength you feel tomorrow”.
To all the fellow aspirants who could not qualify prelims for fourth time or fifth time, I only wish to say – It’s okay to fail. It’s okay to cry. Vent it out if you want.
Don’t run away from pain, fear and brokenness. Face them head on. You did not make this far because you felt strong every day, but because you were brave enough to believe in yourself, because you had that faith in your heart that no matter what life throws at you, you will find that inner strength to carry on and try again. Trust that same strength is still within you today and these brave little steps you are taking each day, will somehow add up in the end.
Reach out to someone if you are unable to figure out your mistakes on your own. Your past is a lesson, not a life sentence. Forgive yourself and focus on what needs to be done NOW. Confidence will not come from thinking. It will come from studying and learning from mistakes done in tests and working on them.
I never knew if ever, I would clear this exam. But I definitely knew that I did not want to look back with regret thinking, “mehnat kar leti to shayad ho jaata” (If I had worked hard, it was possible). If not name in the list, at least I would have the satisfaction in my heart that I did my best and that would be enough to open another door to move on.
We all know what needs to be done. There is no new strategy in this blogpost, nothing which you already did not know. Some of us reading this post might also have laughed thinking, “Oh! I could have written a better post than this!”
However, do ask yourself– have we done this bare minimum HONESTLY?
I wish to end with this conversation between Dan Millman and Socrates from – The Peaceful Warrior
Dan Millman, “I know more than you think”
Socrates, “You THINK MORE than you know. Knowledge is not the same as wisdom”
Dan Millman, “What’s the difference between knowledge and wisdom?”
Socrates, “You know how to clean the windshield, right?”
Dan Millman, “Yeah”
Socrates, “Wisdom is doing it”
PS – I have attached maps I used for prelims. Also attaching mains short notes for reference purpose.
