I saw people venting out their thoughts, fears, pain, happiness on this platform. Gathered enough courage today to write something I often feel. I called it courage because I'm a person who don't express anything to anyone.
It's been 2 years .....I came back home from Delhi due to lockdown. I was comfortable with studying in the library. 2 months after coming back, I lost my both grandparents. In the next one month, I had prelims.....my mother tested Covid positive 3 days before prelims......I hardly read anything for 3 months before prelims. I failed miserably in prelims. Moreover I was mentally n physically exhausted. It took almost 6 months for our family to recover n get back to normal.
What I didn't notice is I was not normal. As I started to study after many months, I couldn't concentrate. There were days where I struggled to read even a single page. But when someone disturbs me I became furious. I used to cry badly.
Every day in the morning I have to help my mother in packing lunch for my parents n sibling. When I sit back to study there comes a knock everyday....milk man.......then another knock between 11-1pm comes maid whenever she wanted to. I also involve in household work in the evening, as my parents would get tired after coming from work. So I tried to study at night but it badly affected my health. Adding to this people come home frequently. They don't leave without asking me. Some even said that I was giving lame excuses. Some said that sending children to Civils coaching has become a social status... literally on my face.
In the beginning I thought it was ok, I can adjust to this routine. But over 2 years just sitting at home with no other activity, negativity started creeping in....... cognitive distortions.......crying for everything.......unable to concentrate......always feel low on energy....feel worthless .....are these really excuses?.....Can change in environment help me come out of this brain fog?
