I'm scared

Ismein kya h book uthane ka, 

Samne dekhne ka, 

Padhne ka aur exam dene ka.. 

Tension kya h mamu.. 

Remember this from munna bhai mbbs( some dialogues changes of course).. 

But today I feel like rustam s papa.. 

Scared, damned if I do & doomed if I don't.. 

Ab bologe.. 

Kya didi firse chalu.. 

Kya kr skte h.. Life is like a wave.. Up & down.. 

Seedha chalega to maar jaega apun.. 

But ya today I'm opening up my heart bcoz at times it's easier to write than to speak.. 

I'm scared.. 

Yes!! I'm scared!!! 

Of exams and everything.. But more than that of failing expectations... 

I have failed once... To be an ias..

Again & again & again.. 

So now I'm scared with the thought.. 

It doesn't let me study.. 

Doesn't let me be easy.. 

Doesn't let me laugh.. 

Creates a sense of panic.. 

Jese I thought that maybe civil services is for me and it turned out that if isn't.. 

Kahin esa to nahi that ugc is also not for me... 

For my whole life I have been shouting at the top of my voice ki teacher nahi banna h mereko.. 

And yet here I stand trying to bring myself upto the point wherein I accept it.. 

I hv ignou exams.. For sociology m. A... 

Already done mg p. G in economics.. 

But ab socio.. 

Maan nahi krta.. 

Book kholte hi I get panicked.. 

And I hv someone special.. 

Planning to get settled this year.. 

He's standing holding the fort & cheering me but it's my fear.. 

Of Disappointment.. Of abandonment.. Of being of no use.. 

That's not letting the way... 

So dnt know what to do.. 

Kal h exam aur padhne ka dil ni kr raha.. 

Himmat nhi ho rahi..