I dont need any sympathy neither do i seek 'haye bichari' from anyone nor i seek to failofy any negativity.. just plain truth.. just writing because maybe someone else out there maybe going through the same thing and maybe would need some assurance that its normal to feel like this..
well i wouldnt say that all was hunky dory and i was in candyland with rainbows and unicorns but last years prelims failure hit me hard.. i didnt realise that i slipped in depression... day by day.. month by bmonth.. got seek every now and then with fever and cough and high thyroid, surgery, broken leg.. all beacause of stress... i thought maybe delhi is taking a toll on me..couldnt figure out what was wrong.. the whole year every month something or other was wrong..
but things took turn when 1- 1 1/2 month back after surgery i started preparation again... but something was off.. i was uneasy.. every day atleast 2-3times i was breaking down.. in tear.. kind of panic attack.. this continued till the time i decided to tell my father that i think i cant take it anymore something is really wrong with me.. i read the article written by @newayn on how upsc cse2018 air 35 minal maam's journey was... those things continously came to me.. after 2 rigourous psycoanylitical tests.. i was diganosed with severe depression and need medication..
in all this i need to give you some background.. planned to do upsc since 6yrs old.. did my ba eco honors.. ma economics.. took coaching with 1 fractured foot... studied like crazy.. nvr did i got indulged in gf/bf things... nvr drank or smoke.. in school,clg , university.. had all opportunities but i was so much commited to my dream that nothing seem to interest me..
REASON BEHIND WRITING ALL THIS STORY OF MY LIFE ABOVE IS TO LET ANYONE ELSE KNOW THAT THEY MIGHT BE IN SAME STATE ALL COMMITTED BUT ITS OK TO FAIL..
i know its funny when we start preparation and think that why do people make upsc a 'panchvarshiya yojana' (5yr plan).. but in life when i am completing my near about 5yrs( started preparation in 2016).. i realize my mistake... i know a lot of people clear exam in 1st go.. but most of the times success doesn't come to us in 1st go we have to strive.. in the process my biggest regret is that my 'arjun focus' made me so blind that i never bothered to make friends... and honestly i regret it..
tomorow is 2020 prelims.. i am forbidden to take the exam by my doctor.. more stress will make my situation bad he says.. but i cant seem to stop thinking that what would happen tomorrow....
if anyone else is feeling the blue.. thinks cnt do it.. its ok... its ok to reassess.. its ok to reassure... its ok to be doubtful... its ok to be tired.. its ok to take a moment to relax.. its ok feel what you feel.. its ok.. just breathe... just calm down... TAKE HELP.. ASK HELP... A LOT OF PEOPLE WONT UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH... ITS OK... DNT EVEN TRY... JUST FEEL AS U FEEL.. ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR FEELINGS...ACCEPT YOUR FEELINGS... CRY IF YOU WANT.. AS MUCH AS YOU WANT.. BECAUSE YOU WILL BE OVER IT...
i'm sorry if anyone feels that i wasted their precious time but if anyone gets help by this share my purpose is done
Hie, are you my soul sister or what? :)
My journey has been very similar to yours. I started my prep in 2016 after quitting my job of 2years. 2019 was my 3rd attempt and I failed which did push me down the road of gloominess and depression.
I had decided to quit upsc after i had failed in 2019. Last one year was extremely tough yet liberating. I didn't write the exam today but I was still getting a panic attack yesterday night and I cried myself to sleep. I am much better now though.
Ok enough of the background, I am at a better place(or will be soon) in life than I was till last year. The decision to leave upsc helped me heal. Letting go of the uncertainty and the pain of broken dreams, brought some calmness in my life. I am in no way suggesting you to give up on UPSC but I am of course telling you to keep your mind open about it. I hardly made friends in this journey but I was fortunate enough to get to know 2-3 like minded people here. One of them last year said this to me "life is not about spending 10 hours in library, it's much more than upsc and studies and if you have an option to quit then yes move on". The person who said these lines was writing his 6th attempt and had cleared prelim every time and had gone till interview stage thrice(unfortunately, he failed to crack the exam).
I wont say I am completely happy now. I still get mood swings and bouts of depression. I still sometimes regret seeing how far my friends have reached in life and I have to start everything from scratch. But I have a hope in my heart. I know where I was last year and I know how far I can go.
Lots of love and best wishes for you. All this suffering is temporary and this too shall pass. Amor fati!
kudos!!! to you for figuring things out... i'm also in process and everyone who feels the same should step back and reassess...
as far as it goes for quiting upsc i believe that firstly its important to be normal and in happy state of mind... i believe heart wants what it wants...
thank u so much everyone as i thought maybe people will just think im a big cry baby.. thanks for sharing soul sister
Write your comment…
