My False Start
Started preparing for this exam in midst of turmoil college was nearing end, as I had failed to choose in span of 4 years what I wanted to pursue as my career, since I entered college with preset goal to crack civils after the grad, with third year approaching surrounded with people preparing for their internships, I was clueless because all I did in last three years was to readEnglish August and ticking off IMDB top 250 movies, so I went back home and god knows why started reading sociology(maybe my love for drama genre and also there was elective next year) and completed this course by AK Sharma on NPTEL, with this entered 4th year people were boasting about their intern experiences and hefty stipend obviously, so with end of 4 years of college I was less sure about civil service as a career than when I started my college.
Anyhow I came back home without any skills per se(barringHow to learn things if that counts), no job and lots of anxiety and on top of thata broken heart...Avoided coming to Delhi as I was done with parties...gave 2019 prelims without preparing... Afterwards Started preparing half-heartedly with lots of topper talks I had listened decided not join coaching...6 months went by I was not able to study 15 minutes a day thanks to anti-depressants, made me sleepy all the time,woke upone day joined coaching in my hometown, after 6 months preventive detention I had this liberty to roam, meet people, after 2 months of coaching things were apparently on track covered some subjects but then 4 years of training to flunk and bunk showed their signs and I started skipping classes made some "friends" and there goes my 6 months, parents terrified, weight gain, trust issues what not, and then this blessing in disguisecoronavirus spread and with that came the lockdown, back in home started preparing again, now I was able to study for 3-4 hours straight like good old days...gave 2020 attempt with 3 months of preparation did ok, obviously didn't get through, with end of 2020 started preparing again for next year did study till April 2021 but with postponing of exam started questioning why I want to do this went down that spiral only to start preparing again in July 2021 gave the prelims did better than previous year but failed, but through out these years I was chasing the "why" behind my choice of opting for civil services journey, never found the satisfying answer always an antithesis suggesting why everything is less par compared to this, with this aiming for success in 4th attempt I am at same juncture with some bad habits and stuck with same "why" as I was in 4th year of college...I don't know what I am gonna do, nothing interests me, done with these pale laxmikants and spectrums living with them since college times... with some hopes have shifted to Delhi... now I quit daily to start never.
If resonate with someone feel free to help me.
Peace.
