Guys, I want to share my
story of failures. I will keep it short. I started preparation in 2014 and gave
first attempt in 2015. I have given six attempts, cleared prelims every time,
but couldn't clear mains once. In between I prepared for other exams such as
RBI, NABARD, RAS, etc. But failed in them as well.
Being 29-year-old
unemployed guy dependent on parent’s income, I always ask myself "what
have I done to my life". I am being dejected, cursed and ridiculed by
everyone in my family and friend circle. Only my parents have faith on me. But I
have failed them as well.
I don't know whether you
guys especially those with max attempts feel helplessness or not on yourself.
Mujhe khud pe taras aata. I am exhausted by this exam. My shoulders feel heavy
and weak. Every morning and night, I feel I cannot walk anymore. Sometimes,
suicidal thoughts engulf me. I had even tried to commit suicide. But, the very
thought of my parents stops me. I had understood that this exam is not only
about knowledge, rather about your emotional intelligence as well. I genuinely
feel, this is not an exam, rather a loop where majority of aspirants waste
their productive year.
People say that you have
prepared for upsc, you will excel in life even if you fail to clear. I rather
doubt this same thought process. Nobody gives a damn, whether you prepared for
UPSC or not. You are a failure, that’s it. You have to start the process for
other exams from scratch. Even, if you go to private sector, they ask about age
gap. You feel embarrassed when you report to your younger ones.
Some of you may not
concede to above fact. But I know UPSC skills are relevant predominantly for
coaching industry only.
I would sincerely urge
the younger fellows that please don’t waste your productive age by exhausting
all attempts. Discard the urge that “Abki baar to nikal jaayega”. If you have
sincerely worked hard and still unable to clear. Mend your ways my dear friend.
Probably, luck doesn’t favor you.
Currently, I am clueless
and don’t know how to proceed. The constant failures have shattered my
self-esteem and confidence. Pata nahi ab life kaha le jaayegi. I am with flow
now…………………………