Hello good people of Forum, sorry if this is not the right thread for it but I really need to get something off my chest.
A little background about me - 2019 graduate here, will turn 25 next March, unemployed, already 2 attempts wasted. 1st attempt - didn't even know the syllabus, was very happy having graduated with excellent marks and feeling optimistic about the future, gave the exam just to get afeelof UPSC. 2nd attempt - again unprepared, was going to skip as focus was more on other exams but the due to postponement I thought I'd give it a shot. Read the basic books, but no revision or CA, again failed spectacularly.
I've given other exams in the hope of getting a job before I devote myself fully to UPSC. Reached interview stages in bank PO (missed out by less than 0.3 marks), eliminated in T3 of CGL, cleared a few prelims and mains of other exams but never made it to the final list. I know I'm on the cusp of clearing a few exams with just a little more hardwork and luck. Been preparing for MPPSC and EPFO very diligently for last few months and I'm fairly confident in both and at the same time laying the groundwork for a serious 2022 attempt.
I'm a fairly optimistic and cheerful person, I have fantastic, god-like parents who support and encourage me every single day even though I've yet to show them anything for my efforts. But the thing is, these last few weeks, I've been experiencing crippling fear and anxiety the likes of which I've never felt in my life. I don't know what brought it on, maybe it was due to the fact that it's been exactly 2 years since I graduated and I haven't earned a penny, or because I've yet to taste any sort of success career-wise.
I can't sleep well, I can't concentrate, I get panic attacks and I have to rush to my room and calm myself down. I feel like I've let my parents down. I don't go out, I've gained a lot of weight, I don't talk to anyone, I try to study but the fear and anxiety makes it difficult. My friends are all employed, and I sense a mocking tune in their texts so I've stopped using social media.
Maybe all of this is normal for an aspirant, but since I've never experienced all things myself I'm scared. What if I don't make it? What if I keep letting myself and everyone around me down? I don't want to be a failure. I've never been an emotional person but these days I feel like I might burst into tears anytime. I don't know what to do. There's exactly 30 days to go for MPPSC and I should be revising diligently but I'm unable to focus.
I'm really sorry if I've upset anyone. I just don't know what else to do. I am very close to my parents but I don't want them to worry so this felt like the place to put my thoughts into words among peers. Again, sorry if this is not the right place for it.
A random aspirant.
