Didn't qualify

I didn't qualify. I revised like crazy before the exams, mocks diye, CA padha lekin fir bhi I had studied less than what I would have wanted to.

I didn't do anything for CSAT kyunki GS important h, pehle syllabus to complete kar lei, CSAT to dekha lenge. College top kiye they kisi zamaane mei. Joke hi tha. Ye upsc bahut alag padhai h.  I was preparing alone. Khud se kar lenge, aisa view tha...

Exam se pehle itna sara material dekh h hme laga tha, I will not be able to revise shit. Kindly excuse my offensive language, but yes I am not proud of myself. I don't know if I would ever be kyunki mere pass plan nai tha, I was not disciplined. 

Discipline mein raho, daily progress karo, productive raho, and blah blah blah. Sab sahi baat h, but it's easy to say that, hard to comply. Ye app use karo, wo karo, online note banao, offline banao, integrated banao, newspaper padho, magazine padho, mock do, main karo, ye wo, yada yada... Sab zaruri h, but hmme kya kami h ki hm nai kar pate aisa? Mentorship ki? Guidance ki? Good peer group ki? Where am I lacking? 2.30 lakh rupye barbaad, saal barbaad, Sab dosto ki shadi ho gayi, naukri lag gayi, hm lafange baithe h ghar pe. Unemployed ki gaali pehle kharaab nai lagti thi, ab tamache jaisi lagti h. Mausi, chachi, bua peeth peeche baat banati ki unke nanad ke devar ki ladki ki shadi ho gayi, iski kyu ni ho rahi, zarur kuch chakkar h. Hm chup rehte h. Zindagi narak ho gayi. Movie mei bola jata h, shabd ke ghaav nai bharte. Galat nai bola jata. Ab to izzat b kho di h hmne logo ke aage. Colleagues mock karte h ki job chor di. Cousin ki shadi tay ho rahi, tab hmpe vyang kiye jate h, hmari family mei hmari koi izzat nai. My opinion is worthless. Whatever I say is valueless. "Tumko bolne ka koi haq nai h, tum chup raho, tumse kisi ne poocha kya". Hmse jyada izzat to hmare yaha kaamwali baii ki h, kamse  kam wo apnna kamati to h. Hm to unemployed h. 

Unemployed ki kya value hoti h? A speck of dirt! That's what I am feeling right now. Good for nothing. Worthless.