@NAIROBI22 Thanks for pouring your heart out via this thread.
I also graduated in 2013 and went to USA. Some things happened at the time of graduation which made me decide that UPSC is not something I want to do. However, I was wrong. UPSC never left me.
I came back to India after about 3.25 years. Took my first attempt in 2017 and took my last and final 6th attempt on 5th June. Scoring between 88-98 from various keys.
2017 - Failed prelims by 5-6 marks
2018 - Failed Mains by 41 marks.
2019 - Failed Prelims by 9 marks.
2020 - Failed Mains by 61 marks.
2021 - Failed Mains by 15 marks. Thought, this time I will make it. Optional did me in. I even had a score of 133 in essay. Felt dejected and decided I am not taking the exam again. But come 5th June, I went and took the exam again just because I had nothing better to do.
Have got an opportunity to join a Top 50 ranked University for my PhD in North America starting this September. It has all come down to what I really want and to be frank I don't know. Do I still want to write the Mains again?
To be frank, I never really put in the hardwork that's required to crack the UPSC exam. Relied on my natural intelligence to get through, I realised this exam needs the hours that needs to be put in. Luck maybe a factor but the only way to overcome is this by putting in the hours that is just non-negotiable.
After my first attempt had joined a PSU (cracked the open exam conducted on an All-India level), to be financially independent as I thought job and UPSC preparation can go hand in hand. I think I was complacent and lacked real motivation to crack the exam which can be gauged by the hours one has put in by reading newspapers everyday and the answer-writing practice.
@Neyawn has rightly summarized what it takes to clear the exam.
I wish and pray that things work out for you and am sorry for the losses and the personal hardships that you have had to go through.
I wish you success in whatever you wish to decide. Just wanted to let you know that there are many like you who feel they have squandered it all but that's not the case my friend.
It is never over until you say it's over. I think we can find solace in the fact that life is too big to be bogged down by a failure in the UPSC exam. We just have to get up, when we fall down.
Hope, this post has been of help and sorry if I haven't been truly able to empathize with you and your situation right now. Just wanted to let you know that I can feel maybe 1% of what you might be going through.
Regards.
