I don't understand what happened and still unable to believe.
I began preparing in summer of 2019 and took the first attempt in 2020. Did very well in Prelims, but I realised that though I had completed and revised optional very well, I hadn't prepared Mains, especially GS very well primarily because of lack of guidance and poor planning and even though I knew stuff, I didn't have any notes properly for quick revisions or broad enough to cover a lot of aspects. Wrote lots of TLP questions but hardly any proper 3hr test series. Wrote the exam, completed my paper, didn't leave any question. Optional and Ethics didn't go well and consequently didn't clear mains. Missed Gen cutoff by 16 marks last time.
Right after mains in Jan 2021, I figured out my problem was lack of content and dedicated Mains prep, so I spent 3-4 months in total on GS papers, making notes, integrating current affairs and linking with static and in depth analysis of Optional. Post Pre last October, I completed Forum test series and Vision test series. Also wrote optionals but less tests and almost every question in past 20 years. Fast forward to this mains, the papers went quite well, in papers such as GS1, GS2 and Optionals I actually had so many questions that I had guessed or had written and revised before hand and other GS papers as well I wrote what was demanded with examples and Mock test inputs to improve the look and feel of answers. GS3 I wrote what I think were decent answers apart from those 3 damned(AQG{the only question I left completely blank in my past 2 attempts at CS Mains}, Blue LED and S400) questions. Still didn't clear cutoff.
The biggest issue is I dont know what to do anymore. Right after grad, I got into this and gave it my all for 3 years, now I dont even feel like doing anything else, at the same time I dont have the physical capacity and mental strength left for the Pre-Mains- Interview cycles of other exams. People advised me to cut my losses and move on, but somehow I dont think I can let go of this so easily, and its not like I have been one of those kids who wanted to do Upsc since fucking school age. it just came as whim pretty late in college life, but for the first time in my life, I had actually wanted and worked hard for something. I feel lost and I don't know what to do anymore.
