Most of you probably won't know me, I was mainly active here between 2020 and 2022. Most of the people whom I knew are either out of this cycle or selected now. Here's a little about me, ComputerScience engineer graduated in 2018 and appeared for the exam five times in the period 2018-22. Wrote Mains thrice(2019,21 and 22) and appeared for the interview once (2022 cycle). About a year ago I was jubilantly and vigorously gearing up for the interview round and despite the best of my efforts and a threadbare prep where I had done very well in almost all the mock sessions and one-on-ones (including Forum's), I did not find my name in the Holy pdf back in May. Saving you all the pity party :P but goes without saying how rough and challenging it was to take. I am someone who has spent considerable time here and never believed in having a Plan B, each attempt I gave as my last and went in full tilt. 2019 was a novice's setback, as was 2020 (did not even qualify pre), 2021 was crushing (missed cutoff by 10 marks, despite scoring consistently well in MGP, etc), and 2022 well probably no better word other than soul-crushing, from doing well in PTS and MGP and writing the whole test series to the very last interview sitting that I had with Ayush sir everything seemed to fall in place this time but sadly it was not to be eventually.
I skipped the 2023 prelims (for better or worse I still debate it) and spent the next few weeks pondering and ultimately decided to invest my time in skilling up to try and find a job in the IT sector. I learned Cloud computing and after feverishly applying for jobs ( it was a herculean task to land interviews in the current market) I finally secured a position as a trainee back in mid-October.
In all honesty, it still hurts like anything despite now probably 7 months have passed, and I will give the final attempt (with the full-time job that I am doing) next year if nothing else just for my own sake and to find closure.
All I can say to the young aspirants is that probably it might not be a bad idea to invest in skilling oneself and having a viable employability option. This exam is notoriously unreliable and honestly most of the exam cycle right now is structured in an unfavorable way from the candidate's perspective, I do not wish to demotivate anyone and I know I would have thought a couple of years ago that only people who fail end up saying such things, but after a while, reality does strike and it is not a bad thing to keep an eye open there.
Hopefully, the new year brings us all the things that we learn to cherish all our lives.
It was a Long March to finish your essay but something kept me hinged till the very end. That Something was a weird familiarity with your journey as if someone was giving me the glimpses of my own past.
I also Graduated in 2018, wrote 19-20-21-22 pre, 20-21-22 main and zero interviews. Few years back I was very active on this platform, principally for entertainment, chit chat and stuff. While I now have a gazetted officer job thanks to SSC, I do want to reflect upon this critical aspect that you have discussed-The necessity to have plan b.
When we usually begin preparation, we are full of excess energy, excitement, ultra optimism and inexperience, all of which is antithetical to wisdom. (I was the same wisdom-deprived, over energetic kid half a decade back).We don't feel like wanting to ever acknowledge that we would ever fail in this exam. As a result we often deem considerations of plan b in life unnecessary and even pessimistic.
I ardently believe that your honest reflections about your CSE journey which has ended up in a total failure (like mine) will enable the fresh aspirants to give thought to the harsh realities of the exam. What harsh realities? One of them is that some of those who have cleared the exam but have not got IAS are also likely to write the exam again and they are better if not best. Above all, they have deciphered the code, the Matrix now belongs to their intellect and ability. So if originally the possibility of clearing exam was low, practically it's even lower.
Preparing for the worst is not about embracing defeat without even waging a war. It is about acknowledging that we are not invincible and that we deserve peace and happiness even if we eventually fail in the most glorious examination of the world the Upsc Cse.
Despite many similarities between your CSE journey and mine, there is but a major difference. While you are still going to write the exam, I have run out of the interest and spirit. Best wishes for your next cse attempt ( even if the wishes hardly matter :D )
today happens to be the last day of 2023 and tomorrow another year would have passed. and right after waking up i knew this is not going to be a good day. i could already foresee the glimpses of the old familiar dark blob of feelings hovering around. each passing year brings me closer to the question that i used to ask veterans when i was starting upsc prep - jinka nhi hota upsc wo kya karte. i never thought one day it would be me on the other side face to face with this question. i am almost done with upsc and now i think it’s not so much about wo kya karte hai but more about jo bhi karte hai usme kabhi khush reh paate hai kya knowing that they pursued something obsessively sacrificing everything for it (money, time, age, relationships etc) and still didn’t get it. mujhetoh iit nhi milne ka gum bhi college ke 2nd year tak rha tha or ye tab jab is exam k liye bas 2 saal prep karte.
now imagine how deeply engraved in your mind something must become if you had been in it for 7-8 years. can time really heal this ? this too shall pass but not immediately not tomorrow not next year but in years. so after enduring pain and grief for 7-8 years of prep you have to endure at least 2-3 more years of pain and sadness - essentially a decade worth of nothing but tears.
granted one must suffer the consequences of one’s decisions. we chose this path willingly out of our own free will with full knowledge of the risks involved. but it still hurts and no amount of reasoning , rationalising , tark vitark can lessen the pain. it’s like it’squite easy to preach someone who is depressed that do this, do that , do yoga , but it’s only when you yourself are afflicted with it that you understand how hard it is for a depressed person to summon the willpower to even get out of bed let alone do yoga etc. likewise only the person facing this qsn can understand what kind of completely heartbreaking situation it is to be in.
Yes brother, it's like an injury scar which might get healed with time but the impression shall forever persist. As a person with strong faith all I feel is that God has a plan for us all. God knows better what should work for us. All we can do is endure with faith (if we have one). I strongly feel that the key to happiness and peace is gratefulness.
out with psir .5th attempt,3rd mains .Feel i betrayed my parents hard work,money and hope
