Though I have never given mains butI totally understand you.
But with me the problem is in prelims too. In 2020 pre (in exam hall) , I said to myself "Idiot, you did not even study this? You did not even know this question? huh? Look at others, how difficult it must have been for them to study- some affected by covid, some in jobs and some managing household work, etc"
Later, I realized I made silly mistake like-Solving question 41 but marking Q40 OMR instead of 41, the more nervous I got , the more silly mistakes I did( by the way, I did make these mistakes in mocks before and minimised it but in pre again did) and more I forgot what I studied. And while marking 50:50 question--my brains works like "if I mark option b "what is 'a' option is correct and not 'b'" and vice versa"
I know I lacked preparation in 1st attempt but in second attempt, I was more disappointed (with myself).
I too think anxiety and exam fear overpowers my brain.
But doing hobbies tends to reduce a little anxiety.
It felt like you were writing my story. 2nd attempt and I did the same mistakes, thinking "You forgot Ulgulan also? Duh! You don't deserve to qualify", Result was I failed even after scoring around 100 in prelims. It was not about knowledge which I lacked, nor those 1or 2 easy questions but about the confidence, the temperament which must have been there while giving the exam. This time, I am focussing more on revision than those umpteen mocks and had expanded the sources for almost every subject, but sometimes I really ask this question - Is it about less knowledge base or confidence? Why I lack confidence? Without all these answers, I am just sailing on a boat carrying a hope that I would be confident enough this time, maybe this prelims will restore my self-esteem again for now.
@balwintejas Glad someone else feel like this too.But, why should our self-esteem depend on exam though. I feel like self esteem should be like- if I am performing well, my self esteem should say "good, you performed well but don't get it to your head and work hard" and if performing bad then inner voice should say "ok , analyze your mistakes, keep it in mind and move on, you can do it , don't stress out too much".But what actually happens is that the inner voice in my head criticizes every action " you performed well , huh, mock must be too easy" and if perform bad, then- "idiot, you are hopeless".Somebody suggested me to do hobbies. Mine is drawing, painting, so when I draw a little, that self criticizing voice diminishes and I feel better and less anxious. In last few days , I could not do hobby, so that voice got a lot bigger. Now, again trying to control that.@balwintejas I feel it is about balance-knowledge and confidence. Nothing more and nothing less of both.All the best to you.@Neyawn - I don't know why, I think you can almost read people's mind. If possible, please tell what do you think of what we wrote in above comments.
We had developed this aura for ourselves thinking "This is it! Life is done now!". Constant questions being asked, people staring, empty pocket, relationship getting broken, rejection from the interview, etc are happening around which make us think "Now what after this?"
And I felt why it hurts the most. For banking or other cgl, you prepare for few months diligently and you are done. If you qualify, it feels like an achievement; if not; if feels like a misery but then you understand that you had studied less. But in UPSC, things are different. No matter the hours you had spent or how smartly you have made notes or have great great personality, things are uncertain. Luck has a major role and will play a major role compared to other exams. Like state PSCs, UPSC doesn't provide mains copies by RTI, making things more cumbersome to understand what exactly works and whatnot.
But we had chosen this field ourselves and life is not done after 2 attempts only. We will sure come stronger this time and achieve what's due for us.
"Tu Nahi to koi aur sahi, koi aur nahi to koi aur sahi"
@Siddhurules To add to what@sbhati513590 said above, most often we don't understand this as even a problem. In my case, keeping the self-esteem high along with repeated failures is the most difficult task. Leave UPSC preparation, even if i am discussing something in my family or having casual talks with my friends, I am speaking in a tone that has lost conviction. There is a constant judgemental filter inside my head that screens every thing i say. Even i cannot talk eye-to-eye with my friends/parents. After this thread surfaced, I felt kind of relieved, because everyone understands failure/broken confidence, but no one speaks of the issue of erosion of one's self worth.
It happens. I feel low when friends discuss their salary, how they enjoyed their vacation in Delhi etc. I start to judge myself for leaving my job and coming into preparation which has left us in mid of nowhere. But perhaps, as said in aspirant web series, it's not because of our determination or will to serve people but because of our EGO. Our ego makes us think that we aren't successful and so, we don't have any self-esteem within us. But its not like that. Our self-esteem will remain high if we keep thinking that we are worthy enough. If not a worthy aspirant(Not true entirely but let's assume for now), I am a worthy human, a worthy son, a worthy brother, a worthy family person. This struggle, this pain of failure had made me tough to stand all the adversaries coming in the future before us after being a civil servant(And yes, I will become a Civil Servant!). This 13 months of struggle after leaving my job had made me more aware and HUMANE than those 2 years of being in a Corporate job and I am happy with my decision. Maybe this self-satisfaction even being nothing is uplifting my self-esteem nowadays.
