But I listened to it again! Loved it! Thanks for sharing!
i am sorry i may sound depress (but i am not) . please avoid reading in that case
sometimes it seems like its all lost i even don't want to write neither talk about what i am feeling everytime.you have everything around you but then also feels alone having no one who can understand your vulnerabilities. it better seems to be anonymous and be like that always.preparation has taken all of me. having no social life no friends around or better to say all settled and i still struggling every day with my own scheldule.
sometimes i want to end this but then my parents face confronts me they scold they love they would motivate it all sticks with me for some time and then again the same.
Hey, I went through something similar a few months back. Days would pass and I would be unable to study even a single line. There was a persistent empty feeling; so much so that the mental pain felt like physical pain.
It's easier said than done, but one has to be conscious of time passing us by. Your social life isn't important if avoiding it is giving you joy. Otherwise, it has no place in your life.
This is the time you get to figure out who you are, it's not just about the exam. Half the battle is in your head. If you can't win that battle, don't be too hard on yourself. If failure to meet your targets is making you miserable, try again. However, if the thought of trying again is what makes you miserable, I see no point in continuing with this pursuit. This exam is worthless if it destroys you.
Always do things that give you joy.
Do not live life on autopilot. Be conscious of your surroundings and each passing moment. Do things that will give you joy, and avoid those that gratify you in the short run and leave you unhappy with yourself at the end.
Make this exam the central point of your life only if working for it gives you joy. That does not mean doing the easy things which gives you happiness. Doing the hard things and pushing yourself towards your goals should give you joy. If it does not, then, what is the point of this exam? This exam requires you to work hard, but don't see this only as a means to an end. The personal growth you are going through right now is knowledge and an end in itself.
This is the time you get to mould yourself into the person you need to be in order to clear this exam. Focus solely on you, not on things and the noise around you. Be selfish, you owe it to yourself. Always remember that this is also temporary.
Finally, want to leave you with one thought: Do not strive for happiness, but strive for joy. Joy is not dependent on external circumstances, while happiness is. You can achieve joy only if you are at peace with yourself. Do things that will help you achieve that peace, whatever that means to you. Focus on you; only then does the exam mean anything at all.
At the end of the day, it is just an exam. It is just an exam. It is just an exam.
Some random ranting....Need to vent out somewhere....pls forgive the harsh language.
Will be 5th time writing this exam. Its more than 5 years this journey started. Gave up a good career in field , which I love. Frankly only motivation is , that getting into a service like IAS\IPS , will broaden my world view, make me a better person. Wrote mains all 4 times, went till interview 2 times, gave my best each and every time, but no result. Had to take up job and prepare after 3rd attempt, because felt too depressed giving full time.
Last year was the year. Gave my best efforts. Having high hopes to clear and liberating my self from this vicious cycle. But missed just by 2 marks. May get something in Reserve list, but that is not what I started this journey for. Could have done much better in life had I chosen other career paths. Stupid optional paper 2 got 115. My best written paper it is. After 4 f*cking years of hard work, ended up with that disgusting score. All the efforts I put are down the drain. Even if i prepare just 5 days before exam and gave the paper, i would have scored the same. All the pile of books of answer writing I did, was mocking me in the shelf. so much of effort for nothing. Not a day I regret , ki just 20 marks somewhere...my life would have been different. Competition is so hard, that even if you screw up in one paper, you are out of race. Its the hard truth.
Reluctantly gave pre with 1 week prep after results. Never expected to give the exam again, but this exam is an addiction. You cant quit . You either get out by clearing or by exhausting attempts. .Mains books are on my desk from 3 days. Getting no heart to open them. Getting panic attacks after seeing them. Facing eating disorders, over sleeping, numbness and inactivity. Nothing seem to excite me any more. My entire body is shivering thinking of what I have to do for next 2 months again.
Turned 28 years this September, started when I was 23. All my youth got drained by this process. My peers went far ahead in life, getting married settling down buying home & car, and here I am practicing answer writings. Its not that I wasted time while preparing. Every mains I gave whole heartedly. Watched toppers talks, made notes, practiced answer writing. Took test series, worked on improvement. Worked on weak areas.
I really want to give a middle finger salute to the a** holes, who evaluated my optional copies. I mean seriously, what the f*ck do they want. I wonder sometimes if their stupid brains are actually able to comprehend my answers. I put in lot of effort, added lot of value in preparation , loved the subject and wrote the papers. They literally ruined my life, those disgusting ,dumb piece of idiots.
I am literally in a very difficult position. Cant quit, because i'll be ending up in place which I don't want and it will be a lifetime torture. Cant continue.....because I'm tired. I'm really tired. My mind stopped working. I have no courage to open either my optional or GS books again. Neither had patience to take new optional. Even if I prepare, i fear I'll end up with same result. What miracles can happen now, that didn't happen 4 times. Even facing problems at work place as I took too many leaves for previous attempt.
I pray daily with tears, asking forgiveness to God . To forgive me , if I had made any mistake knowingly or unknowingly, to suffer this much. To show some light. To give me strength to work for one last time. Its a daily battle from here on. Battle the regret, the depression, the guilt, the baggage and work all over AGAIN. Time will tell if I emerge strong or succumb to it
Sounds like you’ve had it quite rough, good sir/ma’am. I hope you get what you want. Like you said, only time will tell. It’s not always entirely or even remotely within your control. I’m sure you know there are so many things which are not in your control that need to align for you to clear this with a top rank, and the effort you put in is just a very small part of it. Maybe the person who corrected your optional paper 2 was in a bad mood, or could not connect with your answers. Maybe your answers in paper 2 were not according to what they expected. Or maybe others wrote paper 2 better. The opacity around how marking is done simply does not allow you to ascertain for sure what you did right or what you did wrong.
However, having said that, there are people who consistently clear the exam and improve their ranks. I personally know such people who have cleared 3-4 times and consistently marginally improved their ranks. So, despite this exam having left a bad taste in my mouth, I would still say that I’ve been doing something wrong. It cannot be all about luck. There is something I haven’t figured out yet, and I’m still trying to figure. Maybe I will figure it out someday or maybe I won’t. The question is whether I’m desperate enough to put myself at risk of being so damn depressed, knowing fully well that the odds are stacked against me. Making concise notes or periodically revising things are things I’ve never done and which are unnatural to me. Yet, I try them because I’m desperate to figure it out, and I’ve found my peace because I have fully accepted that whatever I might do might not be enough. There could still be a smartass 22 year old clearing with a top rank and making me feel so inadequate. That’s the simple truth. Yet, I choose to do it because the other option is to fully believe that I have done everything, l’m better than everyone else, the people valuing the papers are dumbfucks, this is a vendetta against me, how could I be robbed despite my unavowed loyalty, so on and so forth. If I try to feed my own ego and tell myself that I’m perfect, then that’s the endgame right there. Why would I try to figure out what went wrong when I’m already perfect?
My friend, maybe you did do everything right, maybe you were wronged this time and maybe if somebody else valued your paper, you’d be rank 12. All of this may be true for so many others who wrote mains and didn’t clear as well. Shifting the locus of control externally helps to preserve yourself. If that’s what you need to do right now, by all means, go ahead and do it. On the other hand, if you want to emerge stronger like you say, I feel you might need to take a step back and look at it from a completely logical and rational place, by keeping your emotions out of it
Even if you think you did everything this time, I’m sure there’s a way to get better. If you are desperate to clear this exam for your own sake, my only advice would be to get even better. It might not work, but it is your best shot. If it was just bad luck all these years, I hope the sun shines on you real soon. If it was something you haven’t figured out yet, I hope you figure it out real soon. More than anything, I hope you lay these demons to rest and find joy. Good luck to you, my friend.
