Some random ranting....Need to vent out somewhere....pls forgive the harsh language.
Will be 5th time writing this exam. Its more than 5 years this journey started. Gave up a good career in field , which I love. Frankly only motivation is , that getting into a service like IAS\IPS , will broaden my world view, make me a better person. Wrote mains all 4 times, went till interview 2 times, gave my best each and every time, but no result. Had to take up job and prepare after 3rd attempt, because felt too depressed giving full time.
Last year was the year. Gave my best efforts. Having high hopes to clear and liberating my self from this vicious cycle. But missed just by 2 marks. May get something in Reserve list, but that is not what I started this journey for. Could have done much better in life had I chosen other career paths. Stupid optional paper 2 got 115. My best written paper it is. After 4 f*cking years of hard work, ended up with that disgusting score. All the efforts I put are down the drain. Even if i prepare just 5 days before exam and gave the paper, i would have scored the same. All the pile of books of answer writing I did, was mocking me in the shelf. so much of effort for nothing. Not a day I regret , ki just 20 marks somewhere...my life would have been different. Competition is so hard, that even if you screw up in one paper, you are out of race. Its the hard truth.
Reluctantly gave pre with 1 week prep after results. Never expected to give the exam again, but this exam is an addiction. You cant quit . You either get out by clearing or by exhausting attempts. .Mains books are on my desk from 3 days. Getting no heart to open them. Getting panic attacks after seeing them. Facing eating disorders, over sleeping, numbness and inactivity. Nothing seem to excite me any more. My entire body is shivering thinking of what I have to do for next 2 months again.
Turned 28 years this September, started when I was 23. All my youth got drained by this process. My peers went far ahead in life, getting married settling down buying home & car, and here I am practicing answer writings. Its not that I wasted time while preparing. Every mains I gave whole heartedly. Watched toppers talks, made notes, practiced answer writing. Took test series, worked on improvement. Worked on weak areas.
I really want to give a middle finger salute to the a** holes, who evaluated my optional copies. I mean seriously, what the f*ck do they want. I wonder sometimes if their stupid brains are actually able to comprehend my answers. I put in lot of effort, added lot of value in preparation , loved the subject and wrote the papers. They literally ruined my life, those disgusting ,dumb piece of idiots.
I am literally in a very difficult position. Cant quit, because i'll be ending up in place which I don't want and it will be a lifetime torture. Cant continue.....because I'm tired. I'm really tired. My mind stopped working. I have no courage to open either my optional or GS books again. Neither had patience to take new optional. Even if I prepare, i fear I'll end up with same result. What miracles can happen now, that didn't happen 4 times. Even facing problems at work place as I took too many leaves for previous attempt.
I pray daily with tears, asking forgiveness to God . To forgive me , if I had made any mistake knowingly or unknowingly, to suffer this much. To show some light. To give me strength to work for one last time. Its a daily battle from here on. Battle the regret, the depression, the guilt, the baggage and work all over AGAIN. Time will tell if I emerge strong or succumb to it
