i am sorry i may sound depress (but i am not) . please avoid reading in that case
sometimes it seems like its all lost i even don't want to write neither talk about what i am feeling everytime.you have everything around you but then also feels alone having no one who can understand your vulnerabilities. it better seems to be anonymous and be like that always.preparation has taken all of me. having no social life no friends around or better to say all settled and i still struggling every day with my own scheldule.
sometimes i want to end this but then my parents face confronts me they scold they love they would motivate it all sticks with me for some time and then again the same.
Hey , this reminds me of myself few months back, it was November of last year. I was working den pretty hectic and kept me busy all the time . But I had sleepless nights for more than a month or two leading to losing focus in work and studies. Plus I stopped communicating to people , I stopped calling my friends or meeting dem and it was to the extent that my colleagues started calling me Mute Channel . I too wanted to end it all. I felt alone and more than feeling that no one understands me I wasn't able to understand my emotions.
But one day I broke down in front of my friend and later on the same day in front of parents. From that day my silence became sadness . I used to work Monday to Friday and on weekends I used to cry . It continued for month and den finally I realised something was wrong texted a friend of mine who was a sort of therapist.
After talking to him once or twice I felt good bcoz I can tell him anything and he would listen without any judgement . I started becoming normal and I started with speaking to my parents quite often calling friends.
But still I get those days where my productivity is zero but on those days I don't feel guilty I just let it go thinking tomorrow would be better.
Some of my lessons :
1. Communicate with your parents that you are not feeling good they might not understand but they will try to make you comfortable. I know it's difficult but it may make you more closer to dem
2. Have a friend you can talk to daily I m blessed I have one . Now too I take 15 min time to talk to him
3. Excercise or walk even if it's for ten minutes
4. Never feel hopeless or worthless bcoz what more can happen if it's not upsc than some other job or some other business .
Just dont make the preparation a mountain and getting into services your only happiness . Give your best shot without any expectations .
I don't have lbsnaa or Ias wallpaper or any sort of material motivation but all I know is I want to study hard enough to solve those 100 questions. Rest all will be taken care of.
