well.. i'm back again with another mind numbing thought of mine..
this 28th i turned 28.. nothing new people age they grow old.. same humdrum.. everything was fine.. antidepressant working.. my dr happy with progress.. me taking things slow but steady.. everything was just alright..
i went for shopping with my mother on 27th.. while i was coming back home on a red light ... i saw something.. which made me come back to where i was in may...
well.. it was the much sung about caravan of female ias ( daughter of another dr here)..
reality stuck so hard.. i avoided being hit by a car by a narrow margin...
came home.. was quiet.. everything seeming uninteresting... 28th came.. i was upset.. nothing pleasing enough.. at exact midnight when people are cutting cake i was crying... ( my sister baked a cake, mother decorated it, father was excited... but i asked all to sleep as i am on sleeping medicine.. but it didnt work).. i was just sobbing and sobbing till 3-4 a.m.. i couldnt understand why...
or maybe i understood but was not ready to accept it... just told myself that u r missing your bf thats why u are crying.. but deep inside one knows.. what's going on... u cant escape... u can't run..
came morning.. everyone happy and cheerful but i felt that i was in same dark spot... everyone around was asking why u are sad but what explaination do i give?
people called and told party hard... then it stuck even harder... all my friends had left me as i was busy in upsc preparation.. so there was i ...
friendless.. goalless.. feelingless.. senseless..hopeless..
it took me 3 days to accept that it still haunts me.. that i'm still bothered.. that it still hurts..
i'm angry, still.. i feel like throwing anything that comes in my hand but i cant.. i flip out on every small talk my family is doing from 3 days.. as i write this i had a tiff with my mom.. don't know how to console myself... to be O.K. with things.. heart feels heavy.. don't know what else i should do... i left everything for upsc and now i dont even have upsc..
never imagined myself to be here writing all this.. i had thought that by 28 i would be ias. engaged or married .. living happily ever after... but that just isnt in view anymore.. just a vast ocean with no land in view..
if any of u see any land kindly let me know...
This too shall pass
The day you stop racing is the day you win the race
Only in the darkness you can see the stars
When the going gets tough, the tough gets going..
And few more... These keeps me high(sometimes sutta too😬). I still am figuring on what to say to you as this is exactly my fear too. I have not planned anything for unprecedented situations, I am 27, left my job to prepare. I dunno what will happen. Friends have become a thing of past with whom you could talk without this stress popping up everytime(golden days). Family does that consoling thing but I show up myself strong ,as if everything is alright which actually is not. And such thoughts are endless. Sochte raho bas, actually mehnat nahi karni padti ye sab sochne me, sab sala yahi taktaki lgaye baithe rehte hai dimag me.
I must say, when the things are bad, its the best time to reinvent yourself. Fck this bday shit and all, just be happy go lucky types.
Maybe, do the thing which you hate the most. Try karne me kya ja rha hai. Liking wala activity toh sab karne bolte hai.
P.S. duniya ka naara, jame raho🐢🦕🐽🐘🐒🐳🐣🌱
Aur likhne ka mann kar rha hai...
Manzar toh yeh bhi hai ki I keep on scrolling my contact list to see if I can text somebody, even aise hi but nahi milta koi. Nind nahi aati asaani se.I don't know why all this is happening. And to my surprise, Pizza bhi acha nahi lagta kabhi kabhi ab toh🙁
Also,reading your post's title, it reminded that my birthday is in the next quarter. And may be, I will be like Joey 'why god why?'😄🤦
brook,
ssver2,unacheivednirvana
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