I have been silently following this forum for quite sometime now. Being one of those people who started off with a lot of energy and enthusiasm, yet been failing even on the last stage, in various examinations- I have seen them all. I am not passing cse prelims 2020 though. I had a belief that I will make things different this time, but that didn't work out. And so here I am.
This is just a little reminder for those people who are in various years of struggle, that 'this too, shall pass'. I know it sounds quite hollow, but for your inner sanity, and for the beautiful thing called 'hope', you need to remember this. Things don't work out sometimes despite the best of our plans. What it makes us do is alienate ourselves from trusting our capabilities. We might be not-so-competent, but we aren't incompetent. Having said that, accept that being hopeful doesn't always lead to success, but not being hopeful and not trying again will definitely eat you up from within. In our 20s and 30s, we are a bunch of young people, and these string of failures makes us feel dead inside. I don't see any light at the end of my tunnel. But it may be possible that my tunnel is not straight, and I haven't even travelled a significant distance to have the end in sight. But if I sit for too long to brood over what I lost, I may get decomposed in the dark.
As I write this, I am blank inside. 5 years of rejection has left me feeling more pathetic about even trying to think anything. While getting educated, this was never in my plan. But it is what it is, and I am thankful to@Neyawn and several other good souls here to keep alive the truth that to win a battle, you have to sustain yourself in the battlefield. Prelims was bad for a lot of people. But don't let it ruin you. Prepare for it again. Its a blessing in disguise sometimes to fail in the first stage than to get rejected after the final stage. Prepare for mains as if you would have attempted mains this year. Its tough to keep the spark alive. But you all deserve to be happy. Take a break. Cry your hearts out. Stay away from blaming anyone. And in a few days, do get back to sharpening your axes.
It is just an exam.
@VeronicaI can empathise with your thoughts. I always wanted to play guitar, set out on a solo trip & get the bike dirt on my face but alas! I fell in the upsc trap even when i had a way out. Always hiding my face from public gatherings and telling myself ki "apna time aayega"! Be it the scorching summer heat or the chilling winters, I've seen seasons come n go. It's not upsc that baffles me anymore but life! More than these seasons I've seen people changing, masks peeling off and that rawness fears me no longer. Every attempt makes me a wiser and a quieter person and though it's a very private affair, yet i evolve. Some call it a depression, others mark it as a liability, but the day i get to the other side of the wall, I'll make my every action as effective as my every step today. And if at all i don't, then more than burdening my child with my unfulfilled dreams, I'll advice her/him to follow their instincts even if it brings swollen eyes, frigid back and public shame... I've learnt that my private victory is much more larger and deeper than my public credentials! Call it a retreat or call it resistance- I'm a fighter and I'll fight till my end!
You are a very strong person. I wish you find happiness and your true passion at the end of all this. Reading your post was very empowering. Thank you for sharing it. Just feels nice and comforting to know that there are people who keep up the fight alive within them.
@Veronica I have created my account after si many years, just to reply to your post. My story is exactly the same. While reading , i felt i have written it. Lets never get disheartened, lets give our best in everything, God bless us.
Yes, always.
