things that we think but dont say!!!!

kya kbhi tumhara dimag kharab hua??

hua!!!

kya kbhi tumhara kisi ki jaan lene ka dil kiya???

kiya!!!

agr ni kia to yeh janhit m jari soochna h ki aage ki panktiyan apke liye nahi h.....

aap apna dhyan kewal aur kewal IMPORTANT TOPICS FOR UPSC m lagaen... yaha aapko acha nahi lgega

(disclaimer- go and study... dnt waste your precious time?)

there are times when u know what's right and what's not.. still u dnt feel like or u can say have courage to do the right thing... not because u cant but because u are tired of trying and being unsuccessful in it..

same is going on with me.. with all rational thoughts into now preparing for UGC-NET-JRF but i'm not able to..

even after wanting to..

u see.. u can judge me all u want but now i can't keep it in...

merese ni hota aur rational thinker bannne ka dikhawa..

human being essentialy in my terms is different because it has feeling different from other species...

lekin ni humko isko bhi complicate krna hai..

why is there a concept like EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE.. why not emotional upsure and it will pass... 

are bhai!!! are we computers... it cant always be binary 1 or 0 ki kbhi dukh ho raha hai.. aur kbhi bilkul ni hora hai..

there is always some grey to it...

why cant it be appreciated...

to be honest..

i dnt feel like only to prepare..

in words of dhanush from ranjhana " bs itni hi kahani thi meri.. mera seena tha jismein ab bhi aag baki thi...hum uth skte the par kis k liye... hum cheekh skte the par kis k liye.. par ab uthe kaun.. kaun mehnat kre firse dil lagane ko.. dil tudwane ko.."

( for all english speaking people- its better to give up.. its tough to get up again... work hard again and love something again and be rejected again)

to be honest.. i didn't plan on writing this.. this depressing piece if someone would say..

but i feel safe here... 

to be honest i feel someone somewhere reading this maybe feeling the same.... maybe my voice gets to someone else.. maybe it gives them power to not feel lonely.. to get the exact words that they want to express their feelings..

my friends think i'm upset because i'm too interested in my relationship and my partner being tooooooo busy is making me unfocused but the point is that i do miss him... 

because he has been a constant push for me to accept myself as i am... that is something ill always be grateful to him for.. he taught me to think about myself... to not be that selfless... but in process he didnt teach me how to do it without him...

the  most important thing is seeing that constant sight of my parents being hopefull forsomething good to happen but everytimeme not being able to fulfill it,, it makes me feel as i have failed them as a child it gives me cold sweats.. even when they try to be as supportive as they can but u dnt need them to speak in words as u can read their thoughts and face.. i started upsc for them and when i feel im not able to fulfill the hope i gave them it just makes me feel less as a human being..

BUT U SEE ANOTHER THING THAT HURTS ME IS THE SIGHT OF BOOKS... BECAUSE THEY REMIND ,ME OF FAILING.. MULTIPLE TIMES...

even though its easy to say that sucess milega... to be all hunky dory... to think life is gonna be all unicorn and rainbows.. but esa hota nahi h na..

its tough to gather yourself... its tough to stand up again... even when u know that maybe u'll get hurt once again..

honestly i have both respect and both grudge with people who keep on giving upsc till their last attempt.. because i seem to understand that its a dream worth chasing..

. but is it a dream worth giving up everything for..

i have 0 social life because i left everything when i joined coaching.. even when i am in touch with 1-2 "friends" their world is different than mine...

they are married.. having kids.. having anniversaries.. having birthdays.. AND LECTURING ME AS HOW SHOULD I GET MYSELF MARRIED..

I DONT WANT TO... PERIOD..

lekin ni unka nahi samjhana hai..

with all random relatives poping to ask haww!!!!! abhi tak shadi ni kia .. upsc to hua hi ni.. are jaane do sbka ni hota hai...( im sorry im not translating ask the person next to u to explain... talk to people)

its annoying... 

its heartbreaking when people who were not as good as u in educational field coming and lecturing u...

i know i maybe ranting the same thing again and again but thats how i feel..

if u think u can give me a solution or your perspective on this... kindly feel free to comment no one is judging u because no one cares!!!!

as of to people who'll say they care for u... awwwwww!!!! i dnt need care... i need sucess!!! yes if lecturing me gets me a job then ill do it 24X7 and 365 days a year..

so unless u have something better to say or to write please shut up?

fyi- i have started drying some flowers to convert into some bookmarks... even after we think the life is over i still believe u can turn it into something better just trust is needed.. just some faith is required ... just some care is needed..

if u want to see the end result kindly comment ill be happy to share the pics with u...

till next time... namaste ( corona prevention u see)