A note to self
It's all coming back to me. This constant gnawing feeling that time is running out. Fact is that it is. I've been so anxious the past few weeks that I've been unable to get the best out of my day. Every time, I tell myself that maybe a break would sort it out. I take the break; still, it comes back to me. The only way seems to me to actually chew it up and spit it out.
I have so much left to do. I wish there were a way that one could just make a plan, stick to it, and see the whole thing through. There may be some who do it, and to them, I take my hat off. It's simply not my cup of tea. I've tried and I've failed a great number of times, just over the past month alone. The enormity of it all is mind-boggling and quite simply, overwhelming. I don't think I have been more stressed in my entire life.
If the past few years have taught me anything at all, it is that stress brings out the worst in me. I get nothing done, and I'm so fucking snappy. I've been easy going and a chiller my entire life. This part of my life calls for discipline that I can't seem to find. Even on the days that I find that discipline, I mostly end up finishing too little, comparing with what is left for me to do. Every day, there is renewed energy, but most nights, there's terrible anxiety.
I need to find a way to be calm. The only way that I can seem to do that right now is to allow for the possibility that it might not happen for me. I need to let go of the feeling that I am much closer to my goal. The closer I think I am, the more anxious I get about the result. I need to let it be. I need to remember that this is all not purely within my control. I need to be authentic. The only thing that I can do is to maximise my chances. The first thing I need to do towards that end is to find my lost confidence. I need to stomach the fact that my preparation will be far from perfect. Yet, I must prime myself for giving my best shot on the day. It's a funny little game, this.
Maximising my chances right now can only be done through shortcuts. It is clear as day to me. Be it in my optional or in GS, that is the only option that is open to me to even make a fight of it. Hence, I must take them. Shortcuts have served me well in my life. I think they are underrated. 250 or 150 words is all I need. Nothing less, nothing more. This is when the tables will turn. Whether I am able to see these 51 days through and keep my head about me will determine whether I am successful.
I need to keep faith, not in my reading or my preparation, but in myself. This is what gives me my best chance. There is simply no magic pill that works for me. Not hard work. Not smart work. Definitely not the beautiful strategy I penned down on a thread here when I was still naive.
The only time I was successful was when I was calm. So, maybe that is what I must bank on. Whatever it may be, I will face it. The only thing I can do now is to cover the gaping holes that I have in my preparation. My efforts will be towards that end because that is simply the only thing in my control. This is an exam that a person who does not have the same resources and privileges as me should be, and have cleared in the past. I've been making a mountain out of a reasonably large hill. I need to direct my efforts towards climbing that hill, not the mountain I've built up inside my head.
It's definitely daunting, but my head has been making it a hundred thousand times more daunting than it is. The time is ripe for simplification level Patootie. Break that shit down to manageable pieces. Do no more than that. If they are unmanageable pieces, do the manageable bits. If there are no manageable bits, it is by definition unmanageable.
So, here's the last plan that Imma make. It's the plan that I've always followed. The one where there is no plan. No schedule. No daily targets. Just execution. My exam is on January 8. Not the mock on Sunday. I know the parts where I'm weak, and I know the parts where I'm strong. It's only about putting my best foot forward on the day.
Cut the noise out. The noise inside my head, the noise from the mentor, the noise from the mock test feedback. Sometimes it gets too much that I feel like I can't hear the calming inner voice that is Patootie. I need to cut all of that out. That bubble is what I'm looking for again. It's a fookin utopia where everything is good. No matter what happens on the outside, everything is good inside Patootie's bubble.
I may not be able to make the exam work, but I'll find my peace again. That, to me, is the most important thing. If I can find that peace again, I feel life will be good. Life has to be good.
What if I fall? I'll get up, dust myself off and find myself another way.
But what if I fly? That's gonna be a whole new story altogether.
thank you for this!!
The last 50 days have been turbulent and draining emotionally, mentally and physically. The work (productive work) of last 7 weeks could be condensed in 1 week. I don't know if I stand any chance. I don't know if being hopeful could alter things now. I don't know if I can put up a worthy effort in next 6 weeks. I don't know if the future could be changed by present. If this preparation is a 100 metres race and people are already near the finishing line, let me tell you I have not even crossed the starting line. Now, I feel should I even run. A moment of existential crisis, this. The head is full of self critical thoughts longing for what could have been. What hurts the most is you know that it is you yourself who never worked to your potential. Do I even try, ever. Do I even start? John Bingham says, "The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start." Maybe I should stop thinking, now. I will have to see it through. I will have to run to find out. A quest to know if one can really change the dreaded future of not finding roll number in the Mains selected candidates list again, consecutive years. Do I feel hopeful, determined, confident now ? No. Do I know enough to write 9 papers now? No. Now, I will not think I will do whatever I can. I will run and see it through. I will update where I am.
same feeling. had emotional breakdown 2 days ago and diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety disorder.
may be I'm not worth it. If I can't handle this pressure this means I'm not meant for it.
The last 50 days have been turbulent and draining emotionally, mentally and physically. The work (productive work) of last 7 weeks could be condensed in 1 week. I don't know if I stand any chance. I don't know if being hopeful could alter things now. I don't know if I can put up a worthy effort in next 6 weeks. I don't know if the future could be changed by present. If this preparation is a 100 metres race and people are already near the finishing line, let me tell you I have not even crossed the starting line. Now, I feel should I even run. A moment of existential crisis, this. The head is full of self critical thoughts longing for what could have been. What hurts the most is you know that it is you yourself who never worked to your potential. Do I even try, ever. Do I even start? John Bingham says, "The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start." Maybe I should stop thinking, now. I will have to see it through. I will have to run to find out. A quest to know if one can really change the dreaded future of not finding roll number in the Mains selected candidates list again, consecutive years. Do I feel hopeful, determined, confident now ? No. Do I know enough to write 9 papers now? No. Now, I will not think I will do whatever I can. I will run and see it through. I will update where I am.
P.S. Apologies for undiluted emotional outburst. Generally, I am better than this. :)
Kitna sundar outburst hai, humara toh jama k likhne pe b aisa flow ni ata.😁😁
You da best sadhika ji. Just Keep going! Self doubt at this time is in my opinion not bad. In self doubt we often find refuge to what we have already done. And that what matters in upsc. Often ppl with self doubt, depression (mostly it's anxiety instead of depression) perform better simply for the reason they see practical life more clearly than the others.
wishful thinking
