Official Mental Health, Musings, Negativity and other things
Trigger Warning: Anxiety, Depression
4:30 a.m, 4th August 2020
I was awake. I had been doing well the past so many days. The depression and the anxiety barely even bothered me anymore. Yet, on the 4th August, 2020, something was bound to go wrong. I knew it too. Why wouldn't it? It was UPSC CSE results day after all. When have those ever gone in my favour?
I did my morning meditation, got to my books as soon as possible and crunched out a good 5 hour study session. My renewed energy had been endless the past few weeks; I worked like a machine. Or a donkey. One of the two, anyway.
I was done with my revision for the morning when I finally picked up my phone. Life was good. My friend, I wouldn't be able to tell you how much that meant to me even if I tried. Life was good. And nothing could ruin that for me. Or so I thought for a fleeting second before my phone suddenly buzzed in my hand.
But of course, I had almost forgotten! The results were out.
That familiar feeling of the sinking chest again as I saw the link to the pdf. That feeling of anticipation. That pit in the stomach. And the funny part is, I didn't even know why. I didn't even qualify for the mains examination for heaven's sake.
By now, it's habit, I think, irrespective of the circumstances. I opened up the pdf in the same manner that I had done previously: an odd sense of anticipation although the dominant emotion is one of resignation. An adrenaline rush here and a sinking feeling there. I checked a few of my friend's names as if they were my own name. I saw matches. For each and every one of them. My friends had made it! These friends of mine toiled their backsides off for years on end, and now, it was time for their due. Jubilation was the emotion. At least, it should have been.
I was of course happy for them in some corner of my heart, but was that the dominant emotion? Make what you will of me, dear reader, but anonymous as I am, I wouldn't ever lie to you. In Sigmund Freud's terms, the id was seething with jealousy. The ego was hurt. The superego told me that my journey isn't the same as everyone else's and that I should focus on being happy for my friends. After all, today was a day of celebration. Everyone else was so happy. I should join in and make merry. Celebrate other's success like it was your own. If I did, maybe I could run away from my deepest insecurities for a minute. And that would be bliss, wouldn't it? Who would deny me such a thing?
I realized I was just going through the motions again. It was only a little while until I realized a junior of mine had cleared, and that too, with flying colours. It was only a little while longer until I realised that that junior was a long lost relative of a long lost relative who decided it was time to reach out to my father today exactly. And sure enough, just a little while longer and all my groups were flooded with congratulations aimed at people who weren't even in those groups. On the day of the result, everyone is so invested. They could even convince you that they are so much more invested than you are. Oh, if only the Earth would swallow me whole for a week.
But why should this all affect me? I've tried to reason with myself a great number of times that this is all noise, I need to focus on myself and stay honest to my preparation and all of that, but trust me, at the end of the day, it sometimes still gets to me.
And why? Because it could have been for me. The anger isn't directed at the world or at anyone else, but is directed inwards. I did not even come close to clearing the examination because, for the longest time, I worked to my quota and not to my potential. I am not saying that I would naturally have cleared if I worked to my potential, but I did not even give myself the chance. Honey, the truth is that I walked into a bar fight with both my hands tied behind my back.
So I, for a large part, have myself to blame for my present condition. I can either continue to keep blaming myself or continue taking positive steps towards making my life meaningful as I have been the past few weeks. I thoroughly enjoyed making myself immune to all that noise, I enjoyed living in my own bubble, focusing on me and spreading positive thoughts as an anonymous person on the internet. I enjoyed life. Life was good. Why would I want to trade that for anything else?
Slip ups are common. And when one falls, it's easy to ignore all progress and the ground that has been covered. The bad days don't erase the good. I might or might not clear this examination. That is a reality that I wholly accept. Yet, I cannot be a spectator to my own life anymore. I owe myself much more than that.
And you ask me, my friend, what is the purpose of this essay? This raw piece written in the heat of the moment? And I tell you that this isn't a statement to anyone. This is something I'm doing from inside that bubble of mine, shooting out thoughts that have no place in my life, so I can continue my renewed commitment to myself. This is just a manifestation of my commitment to try.
Life has to be good.
Thank you for reading. :)
Some random ranting....Need to vent out somewhere....pls forgive the harsh language.
Will be 5th time writing this exam. Its more than 5 years this journey started. Gave up a good career in field , which I love. Frankly only motivation is , that getting into a service like IAS\IPS , will broaden my world view, make me a better person. Wrote mains all 4 times, went till interview 2 times, gave my best each and every time, but no result. Had to take up job and prepare after 3rd attempt, because felt too depressed giving full time.
Last year was the year. Gave my best efforts. Having high hopes to clear and liberating my self from this vicious cycle. But missed just by 2 marks. May get something in Reserve list, but that is not what I started this journey for. Could have done much better in life had I chosen other career paths. Stupid optional paper 2 got 115. My best written paper it is. After 4 f*cking years of hard work, ended up with that disgusting score. All the efforts I put are down the drain. Even if i prepare just 5 days before exam and gave the paper, i would have scored the same. All the pile of books of answer writing I did, was mocking me in the shelf. so much of effort for nothing. Not a day I regret , ki just 20 marks somewhere...my life would have been different. Competition is so hard, that even if you screw up in one paper, you are out of race. Its the hard truth.
Reluctantly gave pre with 1 week prep after results. Never expected to give the exam again, but this exam is an addiction. You cant quit . You either get out by clearing or by exhausting attempts. .Mains books are on my desk from 3 days. Getting no heart to open them. Getting panic attacks after seeing them. Facing eating disorders, over sleeping, numbness and inactivity. Nothing seem to excite me any more. My entire body is shivering thinking of what I have to do for next 2 months again.
Turned 28 years this September, started when I was 23. All my youth got drained by this process. My peers went far ahead in life, getting married settling down buying home & car, and here I am practicing answer writings. Its not that I wasted time while preparing. Every mains I gave whole heartedly. Watched toppers talks, made notes, practiced answer writing. Took test series, worked on improvement. Worked on weak areas.
I really want to give a middle finger salute to the a** holes, who evaluated my optional copies. I mean seriously, what the f*ck do they want. I wonder sometimes if their stupid brains are actually able to comprehend my answers. I put in lot of effort, added lot of value in preparation , loved the subject and wrote the papers. They literally ruined my life, those disgusting ,dumb piece of idiots.
I am literally in a very difficult position. Cant quit, because i'll be ending up in place which I don't want and it will be a lifetime torture. Cant continue.....because I'm tired. I'm really tired. My mind stopped working. I have no courage to open either my optional or GS books again. Neither had patience to take new optional. Even if I prepare, i fear I'll end up with same result. What miracles can happen now, that didn't happen 4 times. Even facing problems at work place as I took too many leaves for previous attempt.
I pray daily with tears, asking forgiveness to God . To forgive me , if I had made any mistake knowingly or unknowingly, to suffer this much. To show some light. To give me strength to work for one last time. Its a daily battle from here on. Battle the regret, the depression, the guilt, the baggage and work all over AGAIN. Time will tell if I emerge strong or succumb to it
Sounds like you’ve had it quite rough, good sir/ma’am. I hope you get what you want. Like you said, only time will tell. It’s not always entirely or even remotely within your control. I’m sure you know there are so many things which are not in your control that need to align for you to clear this with a top rank, and the effort you put in is just a very small part of it. Maybe the person who corrected your optional paper 2 was in a bad mood, or could not connect with your answers. Maybe your answers in paper 2 were not according to what they expected. Or maybe others wrote paper 2 better. The opacity around how marking is done simply does not allow you to ascertain for sure what you did right or what you did wrong.
However, having said that, there are people who consistently clear the exam and improve their ranks. I personally know such people who have cleared 3-4 times and consistently marginally improved their ranks. So, despite this exam having left a bad taste in my mouth, I would still say that I’ve been doing something wrong. It cannot be all about luck. There is something I haven’t figured out yet, and I’m still trying to figure. Maybe I will figure it out someday or maybe I won’t. The question is whether I’m desperate enough to put myself at risk of being so damn depressed, knowing fully well that the odds are stacked against me. Making concise notes or periodically revising things are things I’ve never done and which are unnatural to me. Yet, I try them because I’m desperate to figure it out, and I’ve found my peace because I have fully accepted that whatever I might do might not be enough. There could still be a smartass 22 year old clearing with a top rank and making me feel so inadequate. That’s the simple truth. Yet, I choose to do it because the other option is to fully believe that I have done everything, l’m better than everyone else, the people valuing the papers are dumbfucks, this is a vendetta against me, how could I be robbed despite my unavowed loyalty, so on and so forth. If I try to feed my own ego and tell myself that I’m perfect, then that’s the endgame right there. Why would I try to figure out what went wrong when I’m already perfect?
My friend, maybe you did do everything right, maybe you were wronged this time and maybe if somebody else valued your paper, you’d be rank 12. All of this may be true for so many others who wrote mains and didn’t clear as well. Shifting the locus of control externally helps to preserve yourself. If that’s what you need to do right now, by all means, go ahead and do it. On the other hand, if you want to emerge stronger like you say, I feel you might need to take a step back and look at it from a completely logical and rational place, by keeping your emotions out of it
Even if you think you did everything this time, I’m sure there’s a way to get better. If you are desperate to clear this exam for your own sake, my only advice would be to get even better. It might not work, but it is your best shot. If it was just bad luck all these years, I hope the sun shines on you real soon. If it was something you haven’t figured out yet, I hope you figure it out real soon. More than anything, I hope you lay these demons to rest and find joy. Good luck to you, my friend.
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