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Official Mental Health, Musings, Negativity and other things

Trigger Warning: Anxiety, Depression



4:30 a.m, 4th August 2020


I was awake. I had been doing well the past so many days. The depression and the anxiety barely even bothered me anymore. Yet, on the 4th August, 2020, something was bound to go wrong. I knew it too. Why wouldn't it? It was UPSC CSE results day after all. When have those ever gone in my favour?


I did my morning meditation, got to my books as soon as possible and crunched out a good 5 hour study session. My renewed energy had been endless the past few weeks; I worked like a machine. Or a donkey. One of the two, anyway. 


I was done with my revision for the morning when I finally picked up my phone. Life was good. My friend, I wouldn't be able to tell you how much that meant to me even if I tried. Life was good. And nothing could ruin that for me. Or so I thought for a fleeting second before my phone suddenly buzzed in my hand. 


But of course, I had almost forgotten! The results were out. 


That familiar feeling of the sinking chest again as I saw the link to the pdf. That feeling of anticipation. That pit in the stomach. And the funny part is, I didn't even know why. I didn't even qualify for the mains examination for heaven's sake. 


By now, it's habit, I think, irrespective of the circumstances. I opened up the pdf in the same manner that I had done previously: an odd sense of anticipation although the dominant emotion is one of resignation. An adrenaline rush here and a sinking feeling there. I checked a few of my friend's names as if they were my own name. I saw matches. For each and every one of them. My friends had made it! These friends of mine toiled their backsides off for years on end, and now, it was time for their due. Jubilation was the emotion. At least, it should have been. 


I was of course happy for them in some corner of my heart, but was that the dominant emotion? Make what you will of me, dear reader, but anonymous as I am, I wouldn't  ever lie to you. In Sigmund Freud's terms, the id was seething with jealousy. The ego was hurt. The superego told me that my journey isn't the same as everyone else's and that I should focus on being happy for my friends. After all, today was a day of celebration. Everyone else was so happy. I should join in and make merry. Celebrate other's success like it was your own. If I did, maybe I could run away from my deepest insecurities for a minute. And that would be bliss, wouldn't it? Who would deny me such a thing?


I realized I was just going through the motions again. It was only a little while until I realized a junior of mine had cleared, and that too, with flying colours. It was only a little while longer until I realised that that junior was a long lost relative of a long lost relative who decided it was time to reach out to my father today exactly. And sure enough, just a little while longer and all my groups were flooded with congratulations aimed at people who weren't even in those groups. On the day of the result, everyone is so invested. They could even convince you that they are so much more invested than you are. Oh, if only the Earth would swallow me whole for a week. 


But why should this all affect me? I've tried to reason with myself a great number of times that this is all noise, I need to focus on myself and stay honest to my preparation and all of that, but trust me, at the end of the day, it sometimes still gets to me. 


And why? Because it could have been for me. The anger isn't directed at the world or at anyone else, but is directed inwards. I did not even come close to clearing the examination because, for the longest time, I worked to my quota and not to my potential. I am not saying that I would naturally have cleared if I worked to my potential, but I did not even give myself the chance. Honey, the truth is that I walked into a bar fight with both my hands tied behind my back. 


So I, for a large part, have myself to blame for my present condition. I can either continue to keep blaming myself or continue taking positive steps towards making my life meaningful as I have been the past few weeks. I thoroughly enjoyed making myself immune to all that noise, I enjoyed living in my own bubble, focusing on me and spreading positive thoughts as an anonymous person on the internet. I enjoyed life. Life was good. Why would I want to trade that for anything else?


Slip ups are common. And when one falls, it's easy to ignore all progress and the ground that has been covered. The bad days don't erase the good. I might or might not clear this examination. That is a reality that I wholly accept. Yet, I cannot be a spectator to my own life anymore. I owe myself much more than that.


And you ask me, my friend, what is the purpose of this essay? This raw piece written in the heat of the moment? And I tell you that this isn't a statement to anyone. This is something I'm doing from inside that bubble of mine, shooting out thoughts that have no place in my life, so I can continue my renewed commitment to myself. This is just a manifestation of my commitment to try.

Life has to be good. 

Thank you for reading. :)


peacefulwarrior , Oasis and 26 others like this
3.1k views

14 comments

Feeling Suicidal

It's been 4 years now...Still stuck in this cycle of exam and stress...4 years of agony...Can't take it any more. Every second day the thoughts are coming back. Help me please, if anyone can.

Bss 4 m hi tau ? Or bss ek exam k liye hi ? Not good. Keep your horses tight comrade. You are creator of your thoughts. Not vice versa.



By the way you are not alone. And trust me your 4 years are quite less. I found my name in 1st final list after 6+ years. My best friend unfortunately never found it in UPSC lists in 7 years despite multiple interviews. But fortunately 2 days ago got SDM in UPSC in her 8th year of preparation - things changed overnoon ! 


I personally know people who have given 3 4 5 6 interviews in CSE and yet to find name in final list. BUT THEY ALL ARE STILL FIGHTING or having a good life in backup options. CSE is not the end. It can be , AT BEST, a good re-beginning. And there are many OTHER GOOD RE-BEGINNING also once you choose/forced to exit this cycle of CSE. Choice is yours. 


Best wishes for a good life ahead. Do come back someday after getting something positive in life to comment upon your transient thoughts of this time. 


#Hum_Hongey_Kamyaab_Ek_Din :)

Adya, GaryVee and 14 others like this
738 views

i am sorry i may sound depress (but i am not) . please avoid reading in that case

sometimes it seems like its all lost i even don't want to write neither talk about what i am feeling everytime.you have everything around you but then also feels alone having no one who can understand your vulnerabilities. it better seems to be anonymous and be like that always.preparation has taken all of me. having no social life no friends around or better to say all settled and i still struggling every day with my own scheldule.

sometimes i want to end this but then my parents face confronts me they scold they love they would motivate it all sticks with me for some time and then again the same.


Hey , this reminds me of myself few months back, it was November of last year. I was working den pretty hectic and kept me busy all the time . But I had sleepless nights for more than a month or two leading to losing focus in work and studies. Plus I stopped communicating to people , I stopped calling my friends or meeting dem and it was to the extent that my colleagues started calling me Mute Channel . I too wanted to end it all. I felt alone and more than feeling that no one understands me I wasn't able to understand my emotions.

But one day I broke down in front of my friend and later on the same day in front of parents.  From that day my silence became sadness . I used to work Monday to Friday and on weekends I used to cry . It continued for month and den finally I realised something was wrong texted a friend of mine who was a sort of therapist. 

After talking to him once or twice I felt good bcoz I can tell him anything and he would listen without any judgement . I started becoming normal and  I started with speaking to my parents quite often calling friends. 

But still I get those days where my productivity is zero but on those days I don't feel guilty I just let it go thinking tomorrow would be better.

Some of my lessons : 

1. Communicate with your parents that you are not feeling good they might not understand but they will try to make you comfortable. I know it's difficult but it may make you more closer to dem

2. Have a friend you can talk to daily I m blessed I have one . Now too I take 15 min time to talk to him

3. Excercise or walk even if it's for ten minutes 

4. Never feel hopeless or worthless bcoz what more can happen if it's not upsc than some other job or some other business . 

Just dont make the preparation a mountain and getting into services your only happiness . Give your best shot without any expectations . 

I don't have lbsnaa or Ias wallpaper or any sort of material motivation but all I know is I want to study hard enough to solve those 100 questions. Rest all will be taken care of. 

peacefulwarrior, Oasis and 6 others like this
1.8k views

i am sorry i may sound depress (but i am not) . please avoid reading in that case

sometimes it seems like its all lost i even don't want to write neither talk about what i am feeling everytime.you have everything around you but then also feels alone having no one who can understand your vulnerabilities. it better seems to be anonymous and be like that always.preparation has taken all of me. having no social life no friends around or better to say all settled and i still struggling every day with my own scheldule.

sometimes i want to end this but then my parents face confronts me they scold they love they would motivate it all sticks with me for some time and then again the same.


Hey, I went through something similar a few months back. Days would pass and I would be unable to study even a single line. There was a persistent empty feeling; so much so that the mental pain felt like physical pain.

It's easier said than done, but one has to be conscious of time passing us by. Your social life isn't important if avoiding it is giving you joy. Otherwise, it has no place in your life.

This is the time you get to figure out who you are, it's not just about the exam. Half the battle is in your head. If you can't win that battle, don't be too hard on yourself. If failure to meet your targets is making you miserable, try again. However, if the thought of trying again is what makes you miserable, I see no point in continuing with this pursuit. This exam is worthless if it destroys you.

Always do things that give you joy. 

Do not live life on autopilot. Be conscious of your surroundings and each passing moment. Do things that will give you joy, and avoid those that gratify you in the short run and leave you unhappy with yourself at the end.

Make this exam the central point of your life only if working for it gives you joy. That does not mean doing the easy things which gives you happiness. Doing the hard things and pushing yourself towards your goals should give you joy. If it does not, then, what is the point of this exam? This exam requires you to work hard, but don't see this only as a means to an end. The personal growth you are going through right now is knowledge and an end in itself. 

This is the time you get to mould yourself into the person you need to be in order to clear this exam. Focus solely on you, not on things and the noise around you. Be selfish, you owe it to yourself. Always remember that this is also temporary. 

Finally, want to leave you with one thought: Do not strive for happiness, but strive for joy. Joy is not dependent on external circumstances, while happiness is. You can achieve joy only if you are at peace with yourself. Do things that will help you achieve that peace, whatever that means to you. Focus on you; only then does the exam mean anything at all. 

At the end of the day, it is just an exam. It is just an exam. It is just an exam. 

peacefulwarrior, Oasis and 6 others like this
2.1k views

Feeling Suicidal

It's been 4 years now...Still stuck in this cycle of exam and stress...4 years of agony...Can't take it any more. Every second day the thoughts are coming back. Help me please, if anyone can.

https://forumias.com/post/detail/UPSC-CSE-NOT-SUCCESSFUL-YET-STORIES--1596866202?page=4#comment_32355



Share your thoughts here. You can find many co-travellers here in this thread. It's all right to feel low. But just have a strong desire to be over the low later. Many people love you and your smile irrespective of your result in one exam, howmuchsoever important it be.😊

Dora-the_Explorer, Patrick_jane and 6 others like this
720 views

I have written something here, some of you may want to take a look

https://blog.forumias.com/fighting-depression-in-times-of-upsc-and-the-endless-wait/




Dora-the_Explorer, AlexanderSupertramp and 3 others like this
1.4k views

"On the day of the result, everyone is so invested. They could even convince you that they are so much more invested than you are."

This is damn relatable! I guess it's the kahani ghar ghar ki of every other aspirant.

Anyway, my mother was just listening to the radio in the morning. Then came this song- "Sinbad the sailor" of Rock On movie. The lyrics just drew me in. Then I played the song on the computer. And what a gem that song is. 

">

Here is the link. Just listen to the song once. Weird how these fables can uplift the spirits momentarily. And these moments can definitely help in moving towards the longer-lasting inner peace.

Neyawn, vikas87643 and 2 others like this
2.1k views

letting go of the noise is tough, it is even tougher  in your case. BUT! there are perks of being a wallflower!! 

Hang in there.it's just around the corner

HotBloodPrince, Patootie
2.2k views

"On the day of the result, everyone is so invested. They could even convince you that they are so much more invested than you are."

This is damn relatable! I guess it's the kahani ghar ghar ki of every other aspirant.

Anyway, my mother was just listening to the radio in the morning. Then came this song- "Sinbad the sailor" of Rock On movie. The lyrics just drew me in. Then I played the song on the computer. And what a gem that song is. 

">

Here is the link. Just listen to the song once. Weird how these fables can uplift the spirits momentarily. And these moments can definitely help in moving towards the longer-lasting inner peace.

What???? It is not Sunbird? But Sinbad! My life has been a lie..

Sorry for digressing! I love the song! Thanks for Sharing

AlexanderSupertramp,
1.5k views

The feels on this one ! I have bookmarked it. " I worked to my quota and not to my potential " - this statement resonates and hits on just another level. @Patootie a brilliant read mate !

Patootie,
1k views
@AlexanderSupertramp LOVE this song. Watched him live once. He took his shirt off and started doing pushups on stage during the song. Ruined it for me. :P


But I listened to it again! Loved it! Thanks for sharing!

AlexanderSupertramp,
2.4k views

i am sorry i may sound depress (but i am not) . please avoid reading in that case

sometimes it seems like its all lost i even don't want to write neither talk about what i am feeling everytime.you have everything around you but then also feels alone having no one who can understand your vulnerabilities. it better seems to be anonymous and be like that always.preparation has taken all of me. having no social life no friends around or better to say all settled and i still struggling every day with my own scheldule.

sometimes i want to end this but then my parents face confronts me they scold they love they would motivate it all sticks with me for some time and then again the same.


,
1.9k views
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