Official Mental Health, Musings, Negativity and other things
Trigger Warning: Anxiety, Depression
4:30 a.m, 4th August 2020
I was awake. I had been doing well the past so many days. The depression and the anxiety barely even bothered me anymore. Yet, on the 4th August, 2020, something was bound to go wrong. I knew it too. Why wouldn't it? It was UPSC CSE results day after all. When have those ever gone in my favour?
I did my morning meditation, got to my books as soon as possible and crunched out a good 5 hour study session. My renewed energy had been endless the past few weeks; I worked like a machine. Or a donkey. One of the two, anyway.
I was done with my revision for the morning when I finally picked up my phone. Life was good. My friend, I wouldn't be able to tell you how much that meant to me even if I tried. Life was good. And nothing could ruin that for me. Or so I thought for a fleeting second before my phone suddenly buzzed in my hand.
But of course, I had almost forgotten! The results were out.
That familiar feeling of the sinking chest again as I saw the link to the pdf. That feeling of anticipation. That pit in the stomach. And the funny part is, I didn't even know why. I didn't even qualify for the mains examination for heaven's sake.
By now, it's habit, I think, irrespective of the circumstances. I opened up the pdf in the same manner that I had done previously: an odd sense of anticipation although the dominant emotion is one of resignation. An adrenaline rush here and a sinking feeling there. I checked a few of my friend's names as if they were my own name. I saw matches. For each and every one of them. My friends had made it! These friends of mine toiled their backsides off for years on end, and now, it was time for their due. Jubilation was the emotion. At least, it should have been.
I was of course happy for them in some corner of my heart, but was that the dominant emotion? Make what you will of me, dear reader, but anonymous as I am, I wouldn't ever lie to you. In Sigmund Freud's terms, the id was seething with jealousy. The ego was hurt. The superego told me that my journey isn't the same as everyone else's and that I should focus on being happy for my friends. After all, today was a day of celebration. Everyone else was so happy. I should join in and make merry. Celebrate other's success like it was your own. If I did, maybe I could run away from my deepest insecurities for a minute. And that would be bliss, wouldn't it? Who would deny me such a thing?
I realized I was just going through the motions again. It was only a little while until I realized a junior of mine had cleared, and that too, with flying colours. It was only a little while longer until I realised that that junior was a long lost relative of a long lost relative who decided it was time to reach out to my father today exactly. And sure enough, just a little while longer and all my groups were flooded with congratulations aimed at people who weren't even in those groups. On the day of the result, everyone is so invested. They could even convince you that they are so much more invested than you are. Oh, if only the Earth would swallow me whole for a week.
But why should this all affect me? I've tried to reason with myself a great number of times that this is all noise, I need to focus on myself and stay honest to my preparation and all of that, but trust me, at the end of the day, it sometimes still gets to me.
And why? Because it could have been for me. The anger isn't directed at the world or at anyone else, but is directed inwards. I did not even come close to clearing the examination because, for the longest time, I worked to my quota and not to my potential. I am not saying that I would naturally have cleared if I worked to my potential, but I did not even give myself the chance. Honey, the truth is that I walked into a bar fight with both my hands tied behind my back.
So I, for a large part, have myself to blame for my present condition. I can either continue to keep blaming myself or continue taking positive steps towards making my life meaningful as I have been the past few weeks. I thoroughly enjoyed making myself immune to all that noise, I enjoyed living in my own bubble, focusing on me and spreading positive thoughts as an anonymous person on the internet. I enjoyed life. Life was good. Why would I want to trade that for anything else?
Slip ups are common. And when one falls, it's easy to ignore all progress and the ground that has been covered. The bad days don't erase the good. I might or might not clear this examination. That is a reality that I wholly accept. Yet, I cannot be a spectator to my own life anymore. I owe myself much more than that.
And you ask me, my friend, what is the purpose of this essay? This raw piece written in the heat of the moment? And I tell you that this isn't a statement to anyone. This is something I'm doing from inside that bubble of mine, shooting out thoughts that have no place in my life, so I can continue my renewed commitment to myself. This is just a manifestation of my commitment to try.
Life has to be good.
Thank you for reading. :)
Feeling Suicidal
It's been 4 years now...Still stuck in this cycle of exam and stress...4 years of agony...Can't take it any more. Every second day the thoughts are coming back. Help me please, if anyone can.
Bss 4 m hi tau ? Or bss ek exam k liye hi ? Not good. Keep your horses tight comrade. You are creator of your thoughts. Not vice versa.
By the way you are not alone. And trust me your 4 years are quite less. I found my name in 1st final list after 6+ years. My best friend unfortunately never found it in UPSC lists in 7 years despite multiple interviews. But fortunately 2 days ago got SDM in UPSC in her 8th year of preparation - things changed overnoon !
I personally know people who have given 3 4 5 6 interviews in CSE and yet to find name in final list. BUT THEY ALL ARE STILL FIGHTING or having a good life in backup options. CSE is not the end. It can be , AT BEST, a good re-beginning. And there are many OTHER GOOD RE-BEGINNING also once you choose/forced to exit this cycle of CSE. Choice is yours.
Best wishes for a good life ahead. Do come back someday after getting something positive in life to comment upon your transient thoughts of this time.
#Hum_Hongey_Kamyaab_Ek_Din :)
Some random ranting....Need to vent out somewhere....pls forgive the harsh language.
Will be 5th time writing this exam. Its more than 5 years this journey started. Gave up a good career in field , which I love. Frankly only motivation is , that getting into a service like IAS\IPS , will broaden my world view, make me a better person. Wrote mains all 4 times, went till interview 2 times, gave my best each and every time, but no result. Had to take up job and prepare after 3rd attempt, because felt too depressed giving full time.
Last year was the year. Gave my best efforts. Having high hopes to clear and liberating my self from this vicious cycle. But missed just by 2 marks. May get something in Reserve list, but that is not what I started this journey for. Could have done much better in life had I chosen other career paths. Stupid optional paper 2 got 115. My best written paper it is. After 4 f*cking years of hard work, ended up with that disgusting score. All the efforts I put are down the drain. Even if i prepare just 5 days before exam and gave the paper, i would have scored the same. All the pile of books of answer writing I did, was mocking me in the shelf. so much of effort for nothing. Not a day I regret , ki just 20 marks somewhere...my life would have been different. Competition is so hard, that even if you screw up in one paper, you are out of race. Its the hard truth.
Reluctantly gave pre with 1 week prep after results. Never expected to give the exam again, but this exam is an addiction. You cant quit . You either get out by clearing or by exhausting attempts. .Mains books are on my desk from 3 days. Getting no heart to open them. Getting panic attacks after seeing them. Facing eating disorders, over sleeping, numbness and inactivity. Nothing seem to excite me any more. My entire body is shivering thinking of what I have to do for next 2 months again.
Turned 28 years this September, started when I was 23. All my youth got drained by this process. My peers went far ahead in life, getting married settling down buying home & car, and here I am practicing answer writings. Its not that I wasted time while preparing. Every mains I gave whole heartedly. Watched toppers talks, made notes, practiced answer writing. Took test series, worked on improvement. Worked on weak areas.
I really want to give a middle finger salute to the a** holes, who evaluated my optional copies. I mean seriously, what the f*ck do they want. I wonder sometimes if their stupid brains are actually able to comprehend my answers. I put in lot of effort, added lot of value in preparation , loved the subject and wrote the papers. They literally ruined my life, those disgusting ,dumb piece of idiots.
I am literally in a very difficult position. Cant quit, because i'll be ending up in place which I don't want and it will be a lifetime torture. Cant continue.....because I'm tired. I'm really tired. My mind stopped working. I have no courage to open either my optional or GS books again. Neither had patience to take new optional. Even if I prepare, i fear I'll end up with same result. What miracles can happen now, that didn't happen 4 times. Even facing problems at work place as I took too many leaves for previous attempt.
I pray daily with tears, asking forgiveness to God . To forgive me , if I had made any mistake knowingly or unknowingly, to suffer this much. To show some light. To give me strength to work for one last time. Its a daily battle from here on. Battle the regret, the depression, the guilt, the baggage and work all over AGAIN. Time will tell if I emerge strong or succumb to it
Sounds like you’ve had it quite rough, good sir/ma’am. I hope you get what you want. Like you said, only time will tell. It’s not always entirely or even remotely within your control. I’m sure you know there are so many things which are not in your control that need to align for you to clear this with a top rank, and the effort you put in is just a very small part of it. Maybe the person who corrected your optional paper 2 was in a bad mood, or could not connect with your answers. Maybe your answers in paper 2 were not according to what they expected. Or maybe others wrote paper 2 better. The opacity around how marking is done simply does not allow you to ascertain for sure what you did right or what you did wrong.
However, having said that, there are people who consistently clear the exam and improve their ranks. I personally know such people who have cleared 3-4 times and consistently marginally improved their ranks. So, despite this exam having left a bad taste in my mouth, I would still say that I’ve been doing something wrong. It cannot be all about luck. There is something I haven’t figured out yet, and I’m still trying to figure. Maybe I will figure it out someday or maybe I won’t. The question is whether I’m desperate enough to put myself at risk of being so damn depressed, knowing fully well that the odds are stacked against me. Making concise notes or periodically revising things are things I’ve never done and which are unnatural to me. Yet, I try them because I’m desperate to figure it out, and I’ve found my peace because I have fully accepted that whatever I might do might not be enough. There could still be a smartass 22 year old clearing with a top rank and making me feel so inadequate. That’s the simple truth. Yet, I choose to do it because the other option is to fully believe that I have done everything, l’m better than everyone else, the people valuing the papers are dumbfucks, this is a vendetta against me, how could I be robbed despite my unavowed loyalty, so on and so forth. If I try to feed my own ego and tell myself that I’m perfect, then that’s the endgame right there. Why would I try to figure out what went wrong when I’m already perfect?
My friend, maybe you did do everything right, maybe you were wronged this time and maybe if somebody else valued your paper, you’d be rank 12. All of this may be true for so many others who wrote mains and didn’t clear as well. Shifting the locus of control externally helps to preserve yourself. If that’s what you need to do right now, by all means, go ahead and do it. On the other hand, if you want to emerge stronger like you say, I feel you might need to take a step back and look at it from a completely logical and rational place, by keeping your emotions out of it
Even if you think you did everything this time, I’m sure there’s a way to get better. If you are desperate to clear this exam for your own sake, my only advice would be to get even better. It might not work, but it is your best shot. If it was just bad luck all these years, I hope the sun shines on you real soon. If it was something you haven’t figured out yet, I hope you figure it out real soon. More than anything, I hope you lay these demons to rest and find joy. Good luck to you, my friend.
i am sorry i may sound depress (but i am not) . please avoid reading in that case
sometimes it seems like its all lost i even don't want to write neither talk about what i am feeling everytime.you have everything around you but then also feels alone having no one who can understand your vulnerabilities. it better seems to be anonymous and be like that always.preparation has taken all of me. having no social life no friends around or better to say all settled and i still struggling every day with my own scheldule.
sometimes i want to end this but then my parents face confronts me they scold they love they would motivate it all sticks with me for some time and then again the same.
Hey, I went through something similar a few months back. Days would pass and I would be unable to study even a single line. There was a persistent empty feeling; so much so that the mental pain felt like physical pain.
It's easier said than done, but one has to be conscious of time passing us by. Your social life isn't important if avoiding it is giving you joy. Otherwise, it has no place in your life.
This is the time you get to figure out who you are, it's not just about the exam. Half the battle is in your head. If you can't win that battle, don't be too hard on yourself. If failure to meet your targets is making you miserable, try again. However, if the thought of trying again is what makes you miserable, I see no point in continuing with this pursuit. This exam is worthless if it destroys you.
Always do things that give you joy.
Do not live life on autopilot. Be conscious of your surroundings and each passing moment. Do things that will give you joy, and avoid those that gratify you in the short run and leave you unhappy with yourself at the end.
Make this exam the central point of your life only if working for it gives you joy. That does not mean doing the easy things which gives you happiness. Doing the hard things and pushing yourself towards your goals should give you joy. If it does not, then, what is the point of this exam? This exam requires you to work hard, but don't see this only as a means to an end. The personal growth you are going through right now is knowledge and an end in itself.
This is the time you get to mould yourself into the person you need to be in order to clear this exam. Focus solely on you, not on things and the noise around you. Be selfish, you owe it to yourself. Always remember that this is also temporary.
Finally, want to leave you with one thought: Do not strive for happiness, but strive for joy. Joy is not dependent on external circumstances, while happiness is. You can achieve joy only if you are at peace with yourself. Do things that will help you achieve that peace, whatever that means to you. Focus on you; only then does the exam mean anything at all.
At the end of the day, it is just an exam. It is just an exam. It is just an exam.
Some random ranting....Need to vent out somewhere....pls forgive the harsh language.
Will be 5th time writing this exam. Its more than 5 years this journey started. Gave up a good career in field , which I love. Frankly only motivation is , that getting into a service like IAS\IPS , will broaden my world view, make me a better person. Wrote mains all 4 times, went till interview 2 times, gave my best each and every time, but no result. Had to take up job and prepare after 3rd attempt, because felt too depressed giving full time.
Last year was the year. Gave my best efforts. Having high hopes to clear and liberating my self from this vicious cycle. But missed just by 2 marks. May get something in Reserve list, but that is not what I started this journey for. Could have done much better in life had I chosen other career paths. Stupid optional paper 2 got 115. My best written paper it is. After 4 f*cking years of hard work, ended up with that disgusting score. All the efforts I put are down the drain. Even if i prepare just 5 days before exam and gave the paper, i would have scored the same. All the pile of books of answer writing I did, was mocking me in the shelf. so much of effort for nothing. Not a day I regret , ki just 20 marks somewhere...my life would have been different. Competition is so hard, that even if you screw up in one paper, you are out of race. Its the hard truth.
Reluctantly gave pre with 1 week prep after results. Never expected to give the exam again, but this exam is an addiction. You cant quit . You either get out by clearing or by exhausting attempts. .Mains books are on my desk from 3 days. Getting no heart to open them. Getting panic attacks after seeing them. Facing eating disorders, over sleeping, numbness and inactivity. Nothing seem to excite me any more. My entire body is shivering thinking of what I have to do for next 2 months again.
Turned 28 years this September, started when I was 23. All my youth got drained by this process. My peers went far ahead in life, getting married settling down buying home & car, and here I am practicing answer writings. Its not that I wasted time while preparing. Every mains I gave whole heartedly. Watched toppers talks, made notes, practiced answer writing. Took test series, worked on improvement. Worked on weak areas.
I really want to give a middle finger salute to the a** holes, who evaluated my optional copies. I mean seriously, what the f*ck do they want. I wonder sometimes if their stupid brains are actually able to comprehend my answers. I put in lot of effort, added lot of value in preparation , loved the subject and wrote the papers. They literally ruined my life, those disgusting ,dumb piece of idiots.
I am literally in a very difficult position. Cant quit, because i'll be ending up in place which I don't want and it will be a lifetime torture. Cant continue.....because I'm tired. I'm really tired. My mind stopped working. I have no courage to open either my optional or GS books again. Neither had patience to take new optional. Even if I prepare, i fear I'll end up with same result. What miracles can happen now, that didn't happen 4 times. Even facing problems at work place as I took too many leaves for previous attempt.
I pray daily with tears, asking forgiveness to God . To forgive me , if I had made any mistake knowingly or unknowingly, to suffer this much. To show some light. To give me strength to work for one last time. Its a daily battle from here on. Battle the regret, the depression, the guilt, the baggage and work all over AGAIN. Time will tell if I emerge strong or succumb to it
i am sorry i may sound depress (but i am not) . please avoid reading in that case
sometimes it seems like its all lost i even don't want to write neither talk about what i am feeling everytime.you have everything around you but then also feels alone having no one who can understand your vulnerabilities. it better seems to be anonymous and be like that always.preparation has taken all of me. having no social life no friends around or better to say all settled and i still struggling every day with my own scheldule.
sometimes i want to end this but then my parents face confronts me they scold they love they would motivate it all sticks with me for some time and then again the same.
Hey , this reminds me of myself few months back, it was November of last year. I was working den pretty hectic and kept me busy all the time . But I had sleepless nights for more than a month or two leading to losing focus in work and studies. Plus I stopped communicating to people , I stopped calling my friends or meeting dem and it was to the extent that my colleagues started calling me Mute Channel . I too wanted to end it all. I felt alone and more than feeling that no one understands me I wasn't able to understand my emotions.
But one day I broke down in front of my friend and later on the same day in front of parents. From that day my silence became sadness . I used to work Monday to Friday and on weekends I used to cry . It continued for month and den finally I realised something was wrong texted a friend of mine who was a sort of therapist.
After talking to him once or twice I felt good bcoz I can tell him anything and he would listen without any judgement . I started becoming normal and I started with speaking to my parents quite often calling friends.
But still I get those days where my productivity is zero but on those days I don't feel guilty I just let it go thinking tomorrow would be better.
Some of my lessons :
1. Communicate with your parents that you are not feeling good they might not understand but they will try to make you comfortable. I know it's difficult but it may make you more closer to dem
2. Have a friend you can talk to daily I m blessed I have one . Now too I take 15 min time to talk to him
3. Excercise or walk even if it's for ten minutes
4. Never feel hopeless or worthless bcoz what more can happen if it's not upsc than some other job or some other business .
Just dont make the preparation a mountain and getting into services your only happiness . Give your best shot without any expectations .
I don't have lbsnaa or Ias wallpaper or any sort of material motivation but all I know is I want to study hard enough to solve those 100 questions. Rest all will be taken care of.
Feeling Suicidal
It's been 4 years now...Still stuck in this cycle of exam and stress...4 years of agony...Can't take it any more. Every second day the thoughts are coming back. Help me please, if anyone can.
Share your thoughts here. You can find many co-travellers here in this thread. It's all right to feel low. But just have a strong desire to be over the low later. Many people love you and your smile irrespective of your result in one exam, howmuchsoever important it be.😊
I have written something here, some of you may want to take a look
https://blog.forumias.com/fighting-depression-in-times-of-upsc-and-the-endless-wait/
I am no knight. Do not call me Sir|Philosophy behind ForumIAS
"On the day of the result, everyone is so invested. They could even convince you that they are so much more invested than you are."
This is damn relatable! I guess it's the kahani ghar ghar ki of every other aspirant.
Anyway, my mother was just listening to the radio in the morning. Then came this song- "Sinbad the sailor" of Rock On movie. The lyrics just drew me in. Then I played the song on the computer. And what a gem that song is.
Here is the link. Just listen to the song once. Weird how these fables can uplift the spirits momentarily. And these moments can definitely help in moving towards the longer-lasting inner peace.
"On the day of the result, everyone is so invested. They could even convince you that they are so much more invested than you are."
This is damn relatable! I guess it's the kahani ghar ghar ki of every other aspirant.
Anyway, my mother was just listening to the radio in the morning. Then came this song- "Sinbad the sailor" of Rock On movie. The lyrics just drew me in. Then I played the song on the computer. And what a gem that song is.
Here is the link. Just listen to the song once. Weird how these fables can uplift the spirits momentarily. And these moments can definitely help in moving towards the longer-lasting inner peace.
What???? It is not Sunbird? But Sinbad! My life has been a lie..
Sorry for digressing! I love the song! Thanks for Sharing
chamomile,
The feels on this one ! I have bookmarked it. " I worked to my quota and not to my potential " - this statement resonates and hits on just another level.@Patootie a brilliant read mate !
Patootie,But I listened to it again! Loved it! Thanks for sharing!
chamomile,Thank you for this post@Patootie
Patootie,
i am sorry i may sound depress (but i am not) . please avoid reading in that case
sometimes it seems like its all lost i even don't want to write neither talk about what i am feeling everytime.you have everything around you but then also feels alone having no one who can understand your vulnerabilities. it better seems to be anonymous and be like that always.preparation has taken all of me. having no social life no friends around or better to say all settled and i still struggling every day with my own scheldule.
sometimes i want to end this but then my parents face confronts me they scold they love they would motivate it all sticks with me for some time and then again the same.
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