Achha likha hai. I am not a expert. Mai bhi seekh raha hu. Just some quick observation.
1. Started well. Korean peninsula ka achha contrast establish kiya. I dunno why I was expecting some linkage with the same Korean story in the end.
2. I liked how you wrote few paragraphs as if one is having conversation with the reader. Does that tone downs the official decorum of the essay ? This can be explored (this = how much conversational we can get with the reader).
3. Hand writing is good. Extremely legible. Good spacing between words. Paragraphs are well alingned. Perfect slant of the line.
Few questions
1. What's your proces for brainstorming?
2. Do you underline key words as you go with the flow? Or underline everything once you finish writing it?
Sry if i have written anything trivial. Am myself learning the trades of essay writing.
@sstarrr Namaskarams.I liked the poem :) definitely a good way to start the essay, especially on such an abstract topic. Poem or anecdote is the way to go on such topics I think.You covered all the general dimensions nicely, have good examples. Education would be a good addition as Señor Ramos suggested. I really admire how deep you went into each topic. Also like your idea of laying out meanings of present and future in your second para.One suggestion :)This model of social, economic, political etc may itself be getting a little too common. Given that it is an abstract essay, you have some more room to explore the idea itself somewhat philosophically, if you wish to, rather than jumping straight into the various angles. You did this towards the end. I would suggest think some more on this. Your PSIR optional will definitely help.For example, the fact that the future is shaped by the present may seem obvious to most of us today, but it was not so for many centuries. When humans lived at the mercy of nature, before civilisation reached the heights it has today, their future did not seem to be very related to their actions in the present - they didn’t know that they would harvest a crop in the future if they sowed seeds in the present. The realisation dawned slowly on them, and as it dawned, humans gained an increasing amount of control over their own lives. It is still dawning today, and we should not take it for granted. It is an achievement of our collective intellect and ingenuity. Besides, like the early humans didn’t understand where their food would come from, today’s humans sometimes don’t understand that if we don’t act to avert climate change in the present, future generations will bear the costs.
This is just one way it might be explored. There are going to be many others. Given that topics are getting more and more abstract, this touch of originality is important in my opinion. The SPELICH is always a good fallback, but you can explore more :)
Have you read Sapiens by any chance ? Felt as if someone is summarising that book :)
