I am quitting this journey.
I passed from IIT in 2014 with 9 pointer. Got job opportunities in decent companies, even cleared Gates with under good rank but left all that for UPSC.2015- clear pre. Failed mains. My depression cycle starts.
2016- cleared pre . Failed mains again. I became isolated.
2017 - cleared prelims , failed mains by 90 marks. Depression intensified. Weight reached 80+ kg. Eyesight crossed -4 in both eyes.
2018- cleared prelims , failed mains by 110 marks again. Suicide became a recurring thought.
2019- gave myself a break , soche depression kam hoga.
2020- cleared prelims, and within 10 days I am going to write mains. And 110% sure the gap will be 90+ marks again. Obviously jo exam ke phle ye sab bakwaas likh rha ho uska naam thore aayega.
Ghar par hain avi, dil jor jor se keh raha hai ki papa mummi ko bata de ki nahi hoga hmse ye ratta, ye mugging, ye humanities , nahi denge iss saal mains exam magar bol nahi paa rhe. Itna sunk cost ho gya hai.
Magar samajh me nahi aa rha ki kare toh kya kare. Websites check kiye toh pata chala 27 years max limit hota hai most good alternatives to UPSC ka like IB ACIO, AAI Junior assistant etc. Wo v haath se chala gya.
Bus bacha hai State PSC , magar result aate aate bhaiya se uncle ho jaenge.
Soche nahi the kavi aisa din aaega. Future bleak lagta hai , 5 attempt ho gya hai , haath me aaya kuch nahi.
Papa agle saal retire karne wale hain , aur hm burden bankar gale me baithe hain unke. Man karta hai ki khatam karo ye natak , quit karo life, Economy ka toh aise v halat kharab hai , hm kya hiin ukhaad lenge agar kuch business start kiye v toh.
Kaash ye forum ke bare me phle se pata hota, college se nikalte ye padh liye hote, itna time waste nahi hota mera. Koi tha nahi batane wala ki babu fat jaegi tmhari agar unlucky huye few attempts me toh, bola gya hmko ki social media (of all types) se door raho - so forum se v door rahe. Ab Isolation itna badh gya hai ki bahar ka duniya dekhe 4 month ho gya hai. Sirf maid ko pata hai ki hm exist karte hain.
Kisko sunaye apna problem , papa mummi ko ? wo toh apne old-age medical issues se pareshan hain, bada bhai behan ko , wo log bolte settle kar jao koi v 30k type job lekar private me. ab unko kya hm bole ki bada ambition rakhne par , kuch v usse alag pasand nahi ata. Gajab dilemma hai: Armaan upar ka hai magar kabiliyat hai nahi aur niche jaane ka awsar hai magar ego jaane nahi deta. aise me mare nahi toh kya kare.. aap batao.
Ek baat bus janna hai topper log se ki wo log kya sochte hain unke baare me jinka nahi hota hai? Qki jinka hota hai wo toh kehte hain ki hmne mehnat kiya toh hua , so iska matlab hai jinka nahi hua wo mehnat nahi kiya. Ya unko direction/guidance nahi mila. Ya guidance mila toh motivation nahi mila. kya sochte hain toppers unke bare me jo piche choot gye. Hm ye puch isliye rhe qki mere ek dost ka RBI Grade B nikla aur wo kehta hai ki mehnat karoge toh UPSC v niklega. Hurt huye hm. Isliye puch rhe ki sab aisa hiin sochte hain kya.
Hello Sir
I am quite younger to you and perhaps can't relate to your situation exactly. Also, I haven't appeared for UPSC once so I have no experience of the turmoil it creates. However I think I can give you a little message which will be useful to you.
Your question on "kya sochte hai toppers Jo peeche choot gye" ; I would like to make a point that these tags (like iitian , IAS etc) are created by people around us but these don't define a person to any extent. So even if a topper creates a opinion, he or she will be wrong because he/she have no clue about the struggles one might be going through. Secondly even people who are damn successful will be criticised. Even our prime minister who is so successful in his political career is still criticised by many but a man's gotta do what he gotta do. So in any case we all should strive for gaining our own respect not someone else's. To put in simple words, "duniya Mai sabse bada Rog , kya lagenge log".
Last point sir, I am sure you have some goals in your life for instance improving India's administration or maybe poverty or something. Is civil services the only way to contribute to development of the country?
Thank you for reading sir, I wish you get good results and your journey so far gives you the strength to deal with challenges in future but I am pretty sure that you won't give up while chasing your goals.
I read a quote once , "we don't lose when we fall , we lose when we refuse to stand up".
