I was just listening to a few songs and that made me come back to forum after so many months, if not years! I am another "non-successful" story and got in the game of UPSC when forum barely existed, Ojha sir was nowhere in Delhi, Vajiram had less than 20 GS batches, there were 2 optionals.
Prince Dhawan, who got selected in 2011 was my main motivation to take EE and PubAd as optionals. I graduated in 2012 and took my first attempt. I took prelims just after going through coaching material and got through. Mains were in 3 months and I knew nothing about anything to do with it. I joined coaching for PubAd and did GS and EE on my own, standing in long queue outside American Library on KG Marg, sitting wherever there was space. Eventually, wrote my mains - I remember PubAd exam so clearly - my center was UPSC exam hall and we got the first paper, and everyone was just looking at each other for the first 5-10 mins. We didn't know what to write. Eventually, we wrote something and that was the year when the term "butchering" became popular - forum also had a role to play then since people started using it more actively. I scored 70% marks in Essay which was one of the highest marks that year. I scored 158 marks in PubAd (both papers) which was also comparable to many selected candidates that year. I missed clearing mains by 37 marks and blamed EE for my failure (dropped it later to take PubAd).
I joined my GS coaching in Vajiram after my first mains - and when I used to tell people in my class, they were so shocked. And this moment got captured so well in "Aspirants" when sandeep bhaiya tells abhilash - "nai nai coaching to hoti rahegi, pehle IAS ban jao"! Then came the 2013 attempt, perhaps my best attempt - pattern change to 1 optional subject wasn't announced until after prelims. Prelims was considered to be super high scoring, and perhaps has had the highest cut-off (60%) in the last 10 years or so - 241/400. I scored 323 marks in prelims. I remember so many deserving candidates did not get through prelims that year. Then came the mains! Nobody knew we will get 25 questions of 10 marks each!!! One edge I had over the others this time was that I was used to writing short and crisp answers and that helped me so much! I finished all the papers - people failed in mains that year because many could not complete the question paper. I was extremely confident of getting through and I did! I got 42 marks more than the cutoff (PubAd was still not satisfactory but okay). I prepared very hard for interviews and made so many friends on forum that year. Neanderthal (cant find his username now) used to stay in the apartments opposite UPSC and used to update everyday about the results - aaj aa raha hai, board saaf nahi hua, board aaj saaf ho raha hai !!@Neyawn and I think Liverpool used to discuss a lot of stuff. Had few more friends but don't remember their username and telling their real names isn't required. Finally, on June 12th the final result came and I was super confident that I used to tell my friends ki pdf mein naam toh hoga, bas rank dekhna hai.. and I was confident of a decent rank! but "ctrl+F" gave me a sound! I was numb!! so numb that I did not know what to say or do. Saw my marks, missed it by 32 marks. Got effed in Interview, which I think went well. DK Diwan board - who was esp famous then asking the induction motor question in interview! (I thought Rajni Razdan would be the worst board but this was even worse - the way he used to smirk if you didn't answer his question). 3 of my close friends were in the list! 2 are IPS and 1 is IFS (who, now are so helpful if I need some work done). Funniest event was that my undergrad roomate mistook me for crazyphoton and sent a text - "Bhai top kar diya kya tune?". Apparently he got a TOI notification of the sort - "Gaurav tops CSE 2013".
Gathered myself in the next few days, started prepping for 2014 prelims - this time, I did silliest of silly mistakes in CSAT and my chances seemed thin! Somehow, I made it. Cutoff was 209 and I got 212. Worked hard this time - made my answers super crisp, took essay practice tests, a lot of help from Pavan sir - he obliged to check my GS answers too and I would go get atleast 6-7 answers checked every day. He knew me well because the IFS friend and I used to go to him in 2013 for test series. Once again, I did well in Mains - people were still struggling to complete the paper that year too but I could finish all my papers. That definitely adds 5-10 marks in each paper if you write the right content. Fortunately, I was through this time too. I got average performance in Interview - Vinay Mittal board but my marks in ethics and pubAd seemed to pull me back and I missed the final list by 21 marks. I was just unable to stand up when I got that
after "Ctrl+F" on the pdf! People who I had helped go through and I missed it! As a backup I had applied to a university in Singapore for Masters admission (IIT undergrad required no test scores, detailed application) so that was a piece of cake for me. The week before the final results, I had an admit from there. I went there, did my 1 year masters but was still after UPSC. I took my 4th attempt in 2015 and then went to Singapore. That was the year CSAT was not to be graded. I never imagined that this would happen but I missed prelims by 0.66 mark!! By then India bhai had become a pro in finding the information about result dates. That night, when the results were to come, I remember staring the screen, with the same
sound but 5000 km away with no parents/family/home around. And none of the friends knew the gravity of this, because why will they? They came for a Masters and to enjoy life. My masters was a backup plan and not the main plan! I remember watching Gangs of Wasseypur back to back for the entire night! Nonetheless, I thought this is a good time to be out of the UPSC cycle - let's restart everything. I decided to go back to EE for optional and then prepare it and GS once again for 2016. Meanwhile, I got placed in a Fortune 500 firm and was to begin working from August 2016. I came back home, took my prelims and went back to Singapore to join my new job - the first proper job. This time, I missed prelims by 0.33 mark!!!! But it was less painful because I had a backup that would at least satisfy me monetarily. This time I decided to buy a super expensive F1 ticket and watch the race! I decided to be wise with my last attempt and took a break in 2017. End of 2017, I felt that void (of wasting time in SG and not working on my goal) so badly that I quit my job, came back to Delhi in 2017 end and prepared for 2018.
This time, I stayed in ORN with a friend who was writing his first attempt and so both of us were pumped up! Between the both of us, we did more than 150 practice papers for prelims! But as luck would have it, I missed prelims this time as well! I did not bother to check by how much because it didn't matter. My situation was weird - I quit a well paying job for a dead end and now they won't take me because immigration rules changed in Singapore. I decided to apply for a Research position in the same university I did my Masters from and a professor had funding, who employed me. Going there as a Research staff was easier. Finally, I decided to apply for a PhD position in the US because SG was a little too restrictive for foreigners. I didn't get PhD offers because I was chasing the top 20 schools in AI/ML and didn't have such a profile. Nonetheless, an Ivy league gave me an offer to join it's masters program which I accepted in 2020 and finally graduated in May this year. I am writing this from my office (somehow my profile/interviews went so well, that I have a personal office of my own in a fortune 500 firm - which is a huge achievement for me).
So, all in all, I didn't get through, maybe it wasn't meant to be. I thought missing prelims by 0.66 or 0.33 or missing final list by 30ish marks needed a little extra effort but maybe that was a signal to exit early. But all this gyan one can give in retrospect! When you know you came so close, then why not do it again. It's extremely difficult to decide in the moment whether to quit or continue. Nonetheless, eventually, everyone finds their path. I have brushed shoulders with Dr. Amartya Sen, Dr. Raghuram Rajan, Dr. Arvind Subramanian during my masters here, on a regular basis but that void of becoming an IPS will always be there, no matter what. I still have that hope that one day I will come back to Lutyens delhi as a lateral entry official! Let's see if that day comes!
Everyone will have regrets in life.
But someday in future, you will be thanking yourself that you created a solid backup after few set backs.
People need to be pragmatic with this exam and stop chasing upsc for years together.
After 2 good attempts (assuming he wrote mains /got an interview call), one should pursue it with backup only.
There is equal chance one can clear this exam with backup or preparing full time after that, as improvements are marginal and luck plays a major role beyond a point.
This wisdom strikes you after a number of attempts and nothing tangible. As beginners everyone is in the mindframe of making it through and there's a lot of vigour too. Successive attempts make you realize the reality.
New- testing
