This is one such story where there is much involvement of act of God rather than human efforts.
2020 is my 4th attempt. So I consider myself as the senior player here.
I am graduate of one of the most reputed colleges. I was working after graduation, after working for 1.5 years I quit my well high paying job and started my prep.
Put in a lot of efforts in the first attempt, but unfortunately I got dengue in 2017 before the prelims and was almost bed ridden for almost a week I was so down in confidence. Almost mentally disturbed. Then came prelims 2017. I thought I did well and I was sure of clearing prelims after checking the key. But final result shocked me and the marks declared that year shocked me even more. I might have messed with bubbling the omr. There was variation of 20 marks and missed the cutoff by 2.66 marks.
Accepted the first failure and moved on. Prepared with much vigor and Qualified for prelims 2018. During the time between prelims and mains my joint had two successive deaths and my preparation was really really disturbed and I was emotionally very low. And obviously missed the mains cutoff by big margin. Except 130 in essay nothing can be worth mentioning too.
Accepted the failure again and started the journey with more hopes. Cleared IFoS cutoff along with prelims in 2019. I was so much happy that things are turning in favor of me. Gave up the idea of re joining the job. Started studying hard. But the destiny has other plans. Rite after a week of prelims I got malaria, may be due to some food poisoning, went home and after 1 week returned back to studies. This time after 15 days I got high fever and and again had to go home. Emotionally totally drained and mentally was soo weak with what is happening to me. Came back and returned to studies, gave extra hours and managed somehow to feel better and work hard. My Essay paper went well and then again I got high fever, I gave all my GS papers with high fever. Sometimes on high dosage of medication so that atleast I can sit in the exam for 3 hours. It was soo hard. I couldn't cry out louder but I feel the pain and I see my dream of getting IAS spilling away paper after after. I was soo depressed that added even more to the already suffering body due to fever. My 6th sense said me I am going to fail the mains after my Optional paper 1 I left 60 marks, couldn't complete the paper. paper 2 I did well but I know it won't be of any use.
As expected I failed in Mains. Now, after getting marks, My score in Essay was 130, Optional 1 100 (despite leaving 60 marks, I could have easily managed atleast 25-30 marks) and Optional 2 - 135. My GS scores were the least. barely touching 70 in all the papers.
Even then I moved on, Tried IFoS very hard. Completed the syllabus of 2 optionals within the time. My exam went very well and I cleared IFos Mains 2019. My interview was on the last day. Prepared very well but yeah, again the destiny has some different results. My interview went well, I was expecting my name in the list. But as usual I failed, I failed by 20 marks and my interview score is pretty much bad.
Accepted the defeat again, stated gearing up for the next prelims and studying much harder. I was having a high fever before the exam day again. Gave prelims 2020, I was wishing to clear Ifos cutoff this time, but yeah again destiny has to offer something different. I am clearly not clearing IFoS cutoff this year (according to keys) and there is twist in the tail. I am on the border line in CSAT. Depended heavily on RC's unlike my previous strategy. Fingers crossed.
It is very painful and to be frank feeling shy to admit that I made blunders in CSAT ( one of the reasons I don't wish to disclose my graduation colg ). I hope I will make it this time with little luck on my side, which I never had. I was not able to concentrate with these things running in my mind. I decided to write them so that I can atleast get relieved and while typing itself I feel relaxed ,venting out the things I couldn't share.
I am not worried much about the results now. Have seen my friends coming in and clearing in their maiden attempt and still doesn't even know what is what. Not demeaning them, but yeah they are lucky (as most of them I see ). I am not giving up this exam anytime soon. I have financial burden now, but I will handle. I am emotionally and mentally drained ,but still I will handle. I have all sorts of insecurities, but still I will handle. The purpose of the journey I started still is in my mind. I take pleasure in the journey and proud to be here. But I am again humble to accept the destiny and take life as it comes. "Apna time aayega".
PS : Cleared 2020 prelims, though couldn't clear IFOS. Thank the almighty for showering some luck in csat.
