Seeing all these confessions..I fear sharing my so called experience,better call it experiment with UPSC,.Few years back when I was in my last semester of graduation,my friend literally forced me to fill up this UPSC form as he believed in me more than I used to believe in myself..I never attended any coaching,,never touched any single test series,,never did any practice set papers or anything..I just went to attempt prelims after finishing all ncert nd the hindu newspapers hand made notes. I gv prelims nd forgot about it..got busy with my RBI exam and bank PO IBPS exams..I got the first shock of my life when my best buddy informed me I cleared prelims..He was more happy than me..Now bigger question was how to prepare for mains..I told him it will be foolish to even think that I will be able to cover the mains syllabus in 2-3 months,,as always he forced me to go to a bookshop in ber Sarai,,he himself purchased sm 5kg materials including 2 small booklets of upendra ias for sociology(my optional). Anyhow I appeared in mains half-heartedly,,I was so uninterested back then ki mai mains paper likhte likhte class me baki students ko dekhne lgta tha ki kon kya pahan ke aaya hai..I was so convinced ki prelims ho gya mains to aese bhi nhi hona hai bas baba(oldie) logo ka hoga..As usual after finishing exam I forgot about it and concentrated on banking exams,,got selected in IBPS PO,, interview call for CDS,nd other exams..finally Result aaya aur again it's my best friend who broke this news to me..By then I believe smthng seriously wrong with upsc or me.. for Interview preparation i joined sankalp coaching (rss ppl run it)..There I met real bureaucrats(serving as well as retired) for first time.. I was allotted HC gupta board..Mere jeevan ka sabse worst 45 minutes..Pta nhi kya ho gya tha uss din..In all my interview mocks I used to get good marks nd comments of veterans..But real interview me pta nhi kya hua..I straight away said ,"sorry sir,I don't know" to straight continuous 5 questions..I couldn't answer the single question of the chairman..Ekdm se feel aa rha tha ki dharti fat jaaye aur mai uss me gir jaayu..Na dharti fati..Na un logo ne mjhe jaane diya..Agle 40 minutes tak mai kaise kaise jhelta rha..My friend was waiting for me outside..He understood,,didn't ask me anything..We went to india gate nd spend whole evening there without talking to each other..Cut long story short..On result date I was sleeping,again it's my best friend who cm banging my door nd screamed loudest to announce I cleared it..Rank was not good..I managed to pass it..I was shocked nd surprised as hell.."mai janta tha tu faad dega"..He was more happy n relieved than me..I was one of the youngest officers that year..Just 21 years old..But real zindgi baki tha..After getting selected I becm serious nd got sm confidence that I can top this exam..My optional & essay marks were exceptionally good..I started preparing seriously for next year prelims..This time I was confident like never before..Failed in prelims by 1 marks..Again failed in prelims by 2 marks..Nd cycle continues till I accept I m no one in front of these buggers question setters..Asking random 100 gk gs questions with no relevance at all..My story sums up as zero to hero& again Hero to zero... Managing job & study is tough..Accept the unpredictability of upsc at earliest ,,try to make peace with yourself.. Otherwise upsc preparation have everything to make you a suicidal..Dil se nhi lene ka..Exam hai de do..Mn hai padh lo..Nhi mn hai best frnd se baat kr lo..Toppers ke strategy..Unke success stories sab bakwas hai..Ye hota to kya hota..Ye thoughts hmesa aate rhenge..Don't lose ur heart ..Don't take ur success or failure too seriously..Don't be so harsh with ur own self.. Whenever feeling low see open vast sky,,distant stars..Talk to ur near n dear ones..Hona hoga to ho jaayegaa,,load nhi lene ka..Na select hone wale turram khan hai,,naa tm koi gye gujre ho..Next attempt ke liye best of luck..
Hmm your story justifies your high essay score.
Though i didnt gave this year's exam.. i have also gone through this feeling of being useless,Wrote mains twice in 14, 15(pubad was butchered in 14 that ruined my confidence forever)..cldnt clear it was heartbroken,devastated,there seemed to be no light at the end pf tunnel..thank god that my family came to rescue and took me away rrm delhi to my hometown..after some months i gathered courage to look for other exams and thankfully got a 4600 gp job in 2018, since then life have been good, got engaged to a beautiful,intelligent girl,marrying her this yr and again mustering courage to give it a go to cse 2021.
So my mesaage to all the fellow aspirants here ( although i achieved zlich in comparison to ppl here who attended multiple intws,i cldnt clear one),that cse is not the end of life, u can have a very good satisfied life outside of it, dont make it a matter of life and death, enjoy the process and try to have a backup..khush to 60-70 rank wala ias ka banda bhi nahi hoga,1 saal baad home cadre na milane par..
Ha bhai similar story although I have my own small biz. And like you said unless you actually top the exam ie rank in top 30 40 and get home cadre there will always be some dissapointment even after clearing so everything is subjective in a way and the aim should be happiness one way or the other.
Though i didnt gave this year's exam.. i have also gone through this feeling of being useless,Wrote mains twice in 14, 15(pubad was butchered in 14 that ruined my confidence forever)..cldnt clear it was heartbroken,devastated,there seemed to be no light at the end pf tunnel..thank god that my family came to rescue and took me away rrm delhi to my hometown..after some months i gathered courage to look for other exams and thankfully got a 4600 gp job in 2018, since then life have been good, got engaged to a beautiful,intelligent girl,marrying her this yr and again mustering courage to give it a go to cse 2021.
So my mesaage to all the fellow aspirants here ( although i achieved zlich in comparison to ppl here who attended multiple intws,i cldnt clear one),that cse is not the end of life, u can have a very good satisfied life outside of it, dont make it a matter of life and death, enjoy the process and try to have a backup..khush to 60-70 rank wala ias ka banda bhi nahi hoga,1 saal baad home cadre na milane par..
Ha bhai similar story although I have my own small biz. And like you said unless you actually top the exam ie rank in top 30 40 and get home cadre there will always be some dissapointment even after clearing so everything is subjective in a way and the aim should be happiness one way or the other.
Really encouraging words during these tough times.
True success is in rising after falling....
Thanks buddy getting up and not bowing to pressure and stress is bigger than any failure. Upwards and onwards we go!
