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kya karu kya na karu.. yeh kesi uljhan haye..


apparently i wrote some days back on depression that i and other fellow aspirants are... today to be honest i'm writing to relieve my brain stress maybe get myself a bit pacified that other people are in same boat..

i feel scared.. honestly dont even know how to feel anymore.. with time going by and life and time running ahead and still im not ready to pick up anything either be books or feelings or anything.. the look of books still is giving me jitters.. thats when im on antidepressants.. i feel that whether its worth the effort.. the pain..the saddness.. the famous chakravyuh in short..

im going to be 28 next month.. with things being weird at home... with my mother constantly pestering me for groom hunting.. my b.f. busting his ass off doing m.b.a and upsc preparation alongside( dnt get wrong ideas.. hes also the same age.. got enlightenment last year after 4upsc attempts ki m.b.a kr lete h.. got bits pilani - lucky ass i know)..

and my sister saying u can do better than him.. my brain is just fufffff... dnt know what is right and wrong nymore... kabhi kabhi hum jivan k 1 ese mod pe khade hote h ki aage ka rasta hote hue bhi dikhta nahi h.. 

i just dont know anymore how to react to anything.. thanks to darling upsc dnt have any friends left.. samjh ni paa rahi ki kya kru kya naa kru... on the top of it my classmate in coaching when she got to know im in depression.. she blamed me for it.. dnt take things to heart..with giving me all weird ideas.. ranging from watching netflix and smelling flowers to mastrubating.. beleive me i have no idea as to how to react..

i know u might feel im ranting.. this that .. but beleive me im popping pills inside like a candy struck child eating toffies .. eating 8 medicines a day.. i believe i can rant.. have a right.. u might like or not like it..

dnt know how to react.. would like to get a piece of mind... if u intend to after reading all this!!!!

please be my guest

Stoic , Aurora and 6 others like this


I don't know what the solution for your problems is but I can relate.

I'm here to listen if you want


Didn't you expect ?? While preparing for UPSC you may fail.

Didn't you expect ? Being in a relationship and not face failure of expectations.

Didn't you expect ?? You may have hard time in life. You may have to take antidepressants.

Didn't you expect ? You may go for higher expectations from life and that within your calculated time frame. And all may go up for toss.

Didn't you expect ? Being in depressed state.

Didn't you expect ? Many people go through this phase. Even some of them, may not say a word about this phase. Calmly wait to pass this storm.


Dear self , 

         Didn't you expect yourself ? To be calm and composed towards present. Think objectively towards life. Remove emotions from negative thoughts. Accept the inevitable. Accept immortality of life. Accept that expectations may not get fulfilled.

        Didn't you expect ? That many people have gone through this. I can be next one. Pain I am facing may be my own creation. My own over assessment, my overthinking. To be able to recognise this. To be happier that things are not that bad.

         Didn't you expect ? To create best version of your future self. To be warrier of life. To improve day by day. To face any adversity of life. To understand life. To think and act objectively. 

Thank you. And all the best.

Stoic, Oasis and 6 others like this
Lady you need to do meditation. Believe me it works wonder.
Stoic, unacheivednirvana
@Stoic honestly speaking ... NO NOT AT ALL.. NOT EVEN IN MY WILDEST DREAMS... i expected to give like 2 attempts at max.. thats the reason i did my postgraduation first ... otherwise i would have never wasted time.. so yes i do agree with you that i didnt see this through.. it hurts.. honestly badly hurts.. 
but yes thanks to a lot of people here.. i feel they are also in same place so i feel not only me but also others are in same boat.. thanks for your response..

@unacheivednirvana stay strong... Optimism, self confidence and hard work can provide anything.


You are not ranting. Its pretty much situation of veryone I guess, atleast it is for me. Everyday I wake up, I know, ohh, lets see how many hours I can study before I finally give up and waste time on unworthy shits...
Started UPSC prep back in 2015, this is 3rd attempt and I have lost all the will. Like, I am not even giving it all for mains 2020, which I know many aspirants would break mountains after getting through prelims. I don't know how people are doing it. I open a material and i am like, fuck this, I ain't gonna remember alll this anyway, no point... or when will this pdf end, fuck its 90 pages, I am on 13 only.... 

Then there is the burden of ohh shit, optional bhi nahi aaata coz my optional coaching teacher has not taught 30-40% of syllabus. Then comes the thought, you haven't written a single essay since last mains, n i am like, yeah well, thank you for reminding it.

Worst part is I don't even want to do anything else, I wanted to become an entrepreneuer back in college but thought will first do UPSC so that I am on strong base and then do billion dolllar startup. But No more now, maybe I will end up becoming a teacher in some government shcool.

GaryVee, Sam230 and 3 others like this
@tryingsomething pls don't make that mistake bro. I have done it in past. You will have no analysis or learning from this mains , next mains me is baat ka dard kitna bhari hota hai ye tum abhi nahi samajh paoge.
Give your full effort, no optional coaching covers full syllabus. 40 to 50% everybody leaves. Nirbalata ka bhaav chodo, aur yuddh karo. Read that which is extremely important, revise. And do like you would have done 1 day before your semester exam. Do write 1-1paper of all gs and essay paper. 
Don't kill time. 
Have you heard that pink Floyd song " today there is time to kill, .... , 10 years later nobody told me when to start.. I missed the starting gun"...

OctagonalArcher, GaryVee and 3 others like this
@tryingsomething This is exactly my condition. It is my first mains (2nd attempt). And now I am like. This is left.. that is left.. Oh Shit! I cant do this anymore. This fear paralyses me... It feels like that it is useless now. I cant do it. Then I end up wasting time and wake up again next day hoping I will give my all. The stress that builds up sometimes is humongous. I get panic attacks. But the condition is still better than the times before pre this year. That period was really depressing. But fortunately cleared Pre this year. But for what? to be fear paralyzed in mains prep...
But we can only try.. Nd keep going. So I am also trying.

Oasis, GaryVee and 4 others like this
@HotBloodPrince  thanks for your enthusing words man.... I understand, and am getting it too, trying to do better... 

alright, getting to study, just came to check this thread! peeace.

@peterparker I guess such is the condition of majority of players, and I am telling you, people with lower prep but better confidence than us will get through, so lets not get behindd....
Examination is a state function, the path doesn't matter, only initial and final state!!!
*praying ("yaha gyan pel raha hu, but side me fir time pass na krrne lagu")
GaryVee, peterparker
@tryingsomething lol...Is your optional Maths or Physics? mine is maths... just solved some state functions. Thats why. But ya mate.... we have to keep going. STAY STRONG!
@tryingsomething i am on ALMOST same trajectory.. i had shut down my business for preparation... so i know the pain and my business was even bringing me profit... but as for government teacher.. thats a bit over the top.. u'll have to compete there too.. believe me there u'll have to start from rock bottom...
as far as yuck feeling goes on looking at the syllabus.. i feel we  are in same boat.. 
but ill tell u what my partner says to me when i say the same thing " DO SOMETHING..ITS FINE EVEN IF U DONT DO THE WHOLE... READ 1 PAGE NOT NECCESSARY TO DO 10.. BUT THAT 1 PAGE SHOULD BE READ AS CUROSITY NOT BURDEN... u just need to progress may be a step or mile ... doesnt make difference"..
i know it sounds filmy and preachy but aur koi option h kya?
i know im toooooo late in replying but if u see this.. i wish u all the best.. either u go anyway.. ias or teacher or farmer or bussinessman or house husband or anything.. i hope u succeed in whatever u choose

I thought i was the only one going through this hell. This is my second attempt and first mains. I did my masters from IIT Delhi everyone expected me to become a scientist with PhD and postdoc but i hated research. Jumped into UPSC ocean at almost 26 years of age and now after 2 and a half years i feel like i know nothing. Got through prelims somehow but mains preparation is sub subpar and it is so hard to stay motivated and keep studying when every cell in your body is telling you wont be able to make it anyway. Being a female marriage pressure is mounting like everest and i feel so lost. 
Phoenix25754, unacheivednirvana and 1 others like this
@unacheivednirvayeah, i totally get what you are saying and I say that to myself too, most of the times. 

Girte hain shahsawar hi maidan-e-jung me
wo tifl kya gira hai jo ghutno ke bal chale

One of my friend said to me, it doesn't matter if you lose or you don't selected or you get thrashed by the exam, atleast you tried - that is all that matters. There are so less people in the world who try something.
Socrates before his death sentence said - An unexplored life is not worth living..... 
This intense experience of pain, grief and despair that we are going through is a beauty in itself. 
We may not get through this time, but we will have a worthwhile experience. 

@Phoebebuffay I can empathise with what you are going through, this "added marriage pressure on girl" is so unfair and derogatory, its like a product is getting near its expiry date. . .  but to hell with those people who think like that. 
You must confront your parents on how incompetent such an attitude makes you feel. 
PS - for girls, there is reservation in Bihar public service commission, its a possible venture. 
From this attempt I can only say one thing that, I will now give more exams, won't rely exclusively n UPSC but will give all sorts of exam and will see if I am making through anyone of them. Moreover, this is the reality of life, its tough, its unbearable, its poisoning.
In these times, you must surround yourself with people of your calibre and uproot all negativity from your life, be it fake friends, relatives, even parents.
Its your life and only you get to choose what you do with it. You may be lost today but you will find yourself, slowly.... It'll get better, this too shall pass. for now, hold onto yourself and try to make the most of these last 5 days. 

@unacheivednirvana PS - I wish "House husband" was an option, ohhh it would have been great!!! dream life.

@unacheivednirvana PS - I wish "House husband" was an option, ohhh it would have been great!!! dream life.

Hota hai it is called being a cuck.

@skandagupta no thats not what a cuck is. If for some reason a man decides not to work that doesn't make him a cuck. 18 % of women are in the workforce so do you think rest are female version of cucks. Sexism works both ways and you saying that is a classic case of sexism against men. Do hell with what indian traditions or customs are. Indians also thought burning women in her husband's pyre was a good idea so what the hell do Indians know anyway. 

Sam230, tryingsomething and 1 others like this
@Phoebebuffay Poor RC skills as I never implied what you said about women. I only called free loader men with 0 financial resources as cucks. Women have it 10x harder than men in our shithole 3rd world countries, and I acknowledge it more than anyone else being raised by a single mother. But at the same started working early to relieve her from workload. Men who refuse to work are cucks simple as! Gyaanbaazi pelne ke pehle first line achese comprehend karna tha lol.

@skandagupta The way you responded here shows me what kind of person you are so as a woman let me tell i would appreciate a jobless man more than an arrogant disrespectful man such as yourself.

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