Civil Services Mains 2020 Results: In or Out ? Way ahead, gratitude and Pain

Words fail me here. I wish you succeed in whatever you choose to do. Please don't hesitate to ask the community for any kind of help with preparation. 

Hello, Bhai. Your daily routine updates were the ones that kept me going and I did notice them disappearing all of a sudden. Never knew you were facing such a situation. I am extremely sorry for your loss my brother.

We all are with you with all we got. Stay strong and ace this attempt. 

@Devanapiyam So sorry for your horrible loss my friend. Screw this pandemic and everyone who’s made it worse. Good people like you, with all your dedication and hard work, and your family should not have had to suffer in this way. What you have to deal with is something none of us should have to deal with. Not yet.

Sending love to you and your mother. I know you will find strength now that you may never have known you had. Whenever you give this exam, we are all here to help in any way you need. We never spoke but I’ve admired your commitment and hard work for months. I hope you only find things that bring you comfort from now on. I’m sure your father would be very proud of you. He will live on in you. Take care friend.

I read this comment about dealing with grief on Reddit a long time ago and it’s stayed with me ever since. Sharing it here, maybe it’ll help someone.

Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents. 

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see. 

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive. 

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life. 

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out. 

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

From user u/GSnow

@Devanapiyam I am really sorry for your loss. Words won’t do justice to what you must be going through right now. 

There is no getting around the grieving process. Nothing right now would soothe your pain. It takes a lifetime to accept the loss of someone who filled your life with blessings and unfiltered affection. It takes a lifetime to adjust to the cavity that creates a vaccum in every room. One never stops missing someone so dear and so integral in one’s story. The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not get over the loss, you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to.

Some days would be easy but some days it would be tidal wave of missing your father and wishing he would have been here to help you in the way that only he could. 

My prayers and love to you and your family. Take care my friend. I know you will hold the fort down here as your father watches you from heaven. 

@Devanapiyam so sorry for your loss. Having lost my father 2 years back, I can totally understand the pain/the helplessness. It's after the loss that we actually realise the level of assurance that we have had for such a long time. I hope you have friends and family members beside you right now.  Just remember, you are the pillar of strength your family needs right now. Take care.  

Dear @Devanapiyan, I know words won't heal the sufferings you must be going thru right now.  Sending these two lines of Faiz, which has always helped me in preserving the sanity of my mind whenever I felt low. Exam aatey jaatey rahenge. Take your time. And whenever you regain pace, always remember :

dil nā-umīd to nahīñ nākām hī to hai 

lambī hai ġham kī shaam magar shaam hī to hai  

I haven’t lost hope, but just a fight, that’s all; the night of suffering lengthens, but it is just a night, that’s all.

@Devanapiyam words won't suffice to gauge the pain that you are going through. May your  father be in a better place , Om Shanti🙏.

Losing a parent is unfathomable at any age , more so at a Sensitive one. I say that from experience. Especially when you see other families around. For them it might be a matter of fact thing but you tend to observe their each small action with greater reverence and wonder the "what ifs" in your own. 

But to you I say , a person who knows the value of loss and grief of such scale at a Sensitive stage in life  gets moulded into a very different species - a battle ready Armour if they choose to. Grief like this breaks you to pieces just to rebuild into a solid starling .Accountability and Responsibility comes sooner to you than others in the line. It evolves you.

At the moment you are the support your mother is seeking hold of for her very existence. Nothing can break her as long as you are on her side. And her you. Your father might not be present physically but the legacy he has left behind in your form is her very means of survival. And I say this to you with sincerity and honesty - this too shall pass one day. It really does. It has to. That's the law of nature. 

Your mother and you are in my prayers today. You are a strong person. Stronger is your mum. Strongest you both will become with tide of time. All my prayers and love to you and please do not hesitate to say / blurt or ask for any kind of help here especially preparation related. We are with you in this together. 

Take a break and come back stronger🌻

@Devanapiyam, I’m sorry for your loss. These are very difficult times across the world.

I was in a similar situation during +2 competitive exam cycle, when I lost my father due to illness and I was also down with Typhoid. Facing crisis situations at mental and physical fronts is never easy, no matter how much we console you, even more so in this COVID times.

Yes, fathers are our pillars of strength. It is through them, we draw courage to do something. It's terrible to feel the void, but know that your father’s will and words will definitely drive you to continue your career aspirations in coming times. Its just that these difficult moments have to be overcome. 

Let exam be last thing for your mind for at least 10-15 days. As there are signs of postponement as well. In mean time, be in touch with close friends and close family ones. Take care of your mother and siblings as they need the most emotional support at this time. 

I used to often question why these things happened to only few. My Aunt used to console me saying, God gives the toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. Know that you are one such soldier, a strong soldier. 

I pray to God to give you strength to overcome this and I’m sure you will definitely see light at end of this challenging times.

We are always got your back! 

Anytime you feel complex just drop a message here! 

We can discuss and channelize those complexities! 

Does anybody has any idea about@Axel123 result?