Civil Services Mains 2020 Results: In or Out ? Way ahead, gratitude and Pain
The Civils Mains result has been declared. This thread is for sharing your grief , joy , mixed feelings - absolutely anything and everything.
In with anthropology optional.
for past few days was preparing for EPFO exam. Now I am not sure how much time i should give to EPFO. Next stage in CSE is as uncertain as mains. I found EPFO to b more predictable and can give one job in hand. Anyone else in similar dilemma?
Same situation.. planning to continue with epfo for 1-2 hours daily
Out. PSIR.
Woke up feeling all dull and gloomy.Every time I have felt battered I find solace in this poem by C.P Cavafy.
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Well, the least expected situation happened! I guess there's nothing I can do but to accept the rejection and come back stronger. But, that's easier said than done.
We throw the word "empathy" pretty frequently even if a particular circumstance doesn't warrant its usage. But, when I was going through @Patootie's post, this particular paragraph has hit me hard.
"..even when I was fully expecting (hoping) that I would clear. I’m gutted that I haven’t cleared; I feel there’s a great part of me that just feels numb. The defence mechanisms have kicked in fully. The only questions before me is: What next? Where do I go now?.."
I don't know what to do.
I was preparing for the Personality Test fully expecting that I would be making into the third stage. But, I am not welcome. At least, for this year.
After giving 5 Mains, I am still wondering what are the tweaks that are to be incorporated in my preparation.
Should I change optional history to another optional?
I earlier filled application with History optional . But early morning , I was considering another optional . Hence filled Part 1 registration with PSIR optional
however , Part 2 registration not done due to change in mind that I would not complete new optional as working candidates.
Will they consider Application 1 or reject as Application not complete . What should I do ?
A friend of mine told me this morning about the Mains results. And I just couldn't stop myself from logging in. Although I see some new names, but I was never in doubt about the capability of@AzadHindFauz to go all the way. We used to share an answer writing group before I deleted my telegram account (perhaps out of shame of not qualifying prelims). And one glance at his answers was all it took for me to realize "yeh banda nikaal lega." Congratulations Amigo.
@SergioRamos , I really don't need to tell you anything. I am sure you embody every bit of grit and perseverance that the person who goes by the name of your username does
. Keep at it.
@Patootie and@whatonly,If you guys made it through, then know that you deserve every bit of success which is on its way. Go for the kill and ace the interviews. If one of you didn't, then know that this is just a small blip in the grander scheme of things and big things await you in the near future. All my love and prayers for you two
And to all the others who I haven't had the chance to interact with, A big Congratulations on making it through. This is no time to rest. Go all guns blazing.
And now coming to those who missed out.
I have been away from this beautiful platform since the Prelims results (back in October). Even though I had vowed to "bounce back 1000 times harder," I have struggled to be my sane self. I succumbed to the negativity and allowed myself to be sucked into a never ending negative spiral. All this after 3 consecutive failures in Prelims.
And then I see people here who wrote their 5th Mains without success. For some, the juggernaut that was UPSC has come to an end. Even though the pain you guys are feeling at the moment is radically different from someone who failed in prelims, I would still say that I understand what it is that you feel right now. Everyone's journey is different. Everyone's stories are different. But somehow all of us find ourselves sandwiched between expectations and failures, between desires and disappointment and between an uncertain future and an unchangeable past. How each one of you is going to cope with this is an individual choice. But if you ask me, keep uttering simple things like,"kuch na kuch kar lenge"or "Kuch to uparwaale ne mere liye bhi socha hoga." These seemingly simple things have amazing powers.
To sum it up, Even though I lost a few vital months while grieving, some amazing things still somehow found their way to me and I am in a much better mental space now. And so, what I am trying to say is, Grieve if you want to. Don's let some shitty notions of Masculinity stop you from crying or seeking help. Grieving has powers to heal. Eventually, some path or the other is going to open. This quote might help:
The Darker the night, the brighter the stars
The deeper the grief, the Closer the GOD.May the force be with you !!
Powerful words, brother. I am sure you'll bounce back. For me, the key to survive this arduous journey lies in protecting our 'originality' at all times. Protecting our originality would mean standing up for what we believe in, resisting negative outlook and not being bogged down by any externality.
It has helped me at every point in my life since I have had this revelation. This idea however, can easily be misconstrued to imply one must resist all kind of thoughts to protect their originality. We must be careful to let the good thoughts blend with our originality, but not at the cost of our own originality. It's much like the concept of basic structure transposed to our individual lives!
I've been a silent reader of this wonderful platform since many years. However, one aspect has remained constant i.e. the grit and perseverance shown by all the candidates year after year.
You all are the embodiment of the purest human spirit. The one who refuses to give up. I am proud of you all. The ones who have shared their pain here and the ones who haven't... always remember UPSC में हारा हुआ हाथी सवा लाख का होता है. You have lost only a few battles. Those were precious battles I agree. However, the WAR of life will be won by you and only you. All the best.
@Sherkhan1428 Welcome back bro. I always read your comments. I am glad that you are in a good mental space now. All the best. You will do it.
@AzadHindFauz Congratulations brother. I envy your articulation skills. You will be in the list for sure.
@SergioRamos 2021 is your year. :)
@Patootie and@whatonly I hope you both are appearing for interview. :)
My best wishes to you too. We all are in this together.
Onwards and upwards!
Eklavya17,
Out with history optional. 3rd attempt 2nd Mains. Seems like history as a subject would never accept me. Thinking of giving it a break to this cycle(Prelims seems easy, Mains seems insurmountable) and changing the optional but standing on the wrong side of age spectrum. Seriously don't know what to do.
Is there any history optional candidate who made it this year here on forum. Would appreciate discussing one last time before making any decisions for future attempts!
Lastly, Best wishes for interviews to all those who made it. Carpe Diem!!
EiChan,Maximus_
Dear @Patootie For someone who made account on forum just like a passerby but with time became a regular silent lurker here only to give way to find one of the humblest, kindest , genuine person who eventually became a mentor of sorts , a true friend who made me re-question the abstract grey matter i had been hurling intentionally at myself unnecessarily just to hurt myself more and who actually had incredulous faith in me even after each spell of failure, gloom and darkness i projected out , it pains me . Not your result. No that was not on radar ever but to see you this way. But the good thing is that This feeling is simultaneously coupled with the firm belief and faith of seeing you emerge out of this even finer than you already are, and boy i wonder what might erupt when that happens.
And since the life stories and bare emotions shared on this platform here have been so overwhelming so as to poke the lurker inside me to come out, here goes mine. Mind you, its boring, lamer and just bla so read at your own expense. You stirred the hornet's nest yourself!
I graduated in engineering from a Tier 2 college even though i knew it wasn't my cup of tea because my single mother thought I might not be able to be "at par" with other cousins in the family who have " all the right people to guide their children about career choice". I was a bright student till 10th and so even i conceded to her advice of going with engineering. The period from 11th to final year of engineering was what i thought " The most suffering i can intake now and everything post this will just seem better". Got really decent placements, one of the best in the batch probably ( shocking since i knew what quality engineer i was but then we all know how it goes mostly in engineering placements - Decent command over language skills and a smiling nod here and there). Let go of them all because in my head I was just patronising it all with- " I should just silently wait for this mess to get over, give my mom the A4 sized degree and then just swish away into doing far greater things that are meant for me than this irrelevant distasteful ordeal."
In my head I was like " My soul was always humanities , I have always enjoyed studying Social Sciences till 10th, How difficult can it honestly be, max 2 attempts and i am going to swirl in the cosmos of bringing some real change to the system".
Lo behold my first attempt , prepared the best I could, devoted my entire being to just this and this very exam, missed the cutoff by the scantiest of 1.33 marks. 1.33 ! My world came crashing down. All the mental timelines of life events i had charted out , all in drain and its not like I was over confident or something. I might have been looking down when I graduated but a year of soulful preparation and nothing but this humbled whatever clouds of insanity I was on before.
And thus began the tryst of my disinterest and passionless endurance with the exam. Meanwhile I gave Law entrance and took admission in a Tier 2 college in my city because I just did not know what to dwell into to take my mind off this heartbreak and I thought getting a Law degree would maybe help me reconnect with the grassroot level closely because " everyone needs to know their rights and duties". Also safe bet of backup. But " the feel " was still missing. I still went on and gave my second attempt. It was just 2 days after the death of a family member i was closest to, one of the only 2 people who believed in me and never mocked me for switching curves and unconventional views. I am not using tragedy as an excuse since I had the entire year to reboot myself entirely but I probably should have let go of that attempt because I was not in the best of the mental state. Still a part of me thought it might just happen. Well it didn't and it shouldn't have ! I would have seriously doubted UPSC 's calibre then! This time missed by a decent margin of ~ 5 marks. More lethargy, lack of interest, the ignition, passion whatever you call it dampened. Meanwhile Law started growing on me , not in full bloom but bit by bit. I still feel it was my heartbreak and impulsive notion to occupy myself with something thats why I am still carrying Law. I dont hate it, i like it , its not bad but I don't love it as well. Not like the deep passion I feel for administration.
Jump to Third attempt, LOL ! I just gave it because I was in flow of giving them with each passing year. I was just breaking into law the whole time. Hardly read newspapers, or CA modules. I just gave it for the sake of it and also to show my mum yeah I am still in the loop or whatever so that her heart does not break. So ofcourse I did not clear. I took a break from the record and did not give it last year and thats when it dawned onto me- I have just been carrying the non-acceptance, hurt, denial , bruise on ego ( an ego which was self thrusted by the way, no one to blame ) of my FIRST PRELIMS FAILURE all this time. I haven't been able to get over it. And that non acceptance of failure stemmed from my own speculated mental timelines of what to achieve by which year and being quite rigid about the same, not giving space for anything else to grow or heal.
I thought getting into Law and distracting and diverting my energy would give me my reason and calling again but it just was like applying band-aid to a poisonous wound with puss coming out but taped to give an impression of all is well.I want to go on and on but at this point even I feel I should not transform this platform into an old agony aunty ranting street.
The point i am trying to make to you all is just as cliched as it can get and you might have heard a thousand times. But then again cliches exist for a reason don't they!? We are in this because we ourselves chose to be in this . For some it might be the glamour of doing the unconventional ( though I feel this race has become just about as conventional as it can now ), For some it might be due to an innate desire having stemmed from facing injustice or feeling the agony of helplessnes in life at some point, For some it might be another feather they want to add in their well donned cap. No reason is irrelevant as long as it is authentic to you and the very base of your principles and being. But simultaneously do know in the process of wounds caused due to failure in this cycle what is the degree of hurt caused. A band-aid wont work if you apply it on a poisonous wound and not every cut needs a surgical operation. Most of the time goes by in this fallacy of oscillating between the 2 extremes. And then follows regret and God knows regret hurts worse than the poisonous wound. I regret having wasted my second and third attempts like that because of my inadequacy to accept my wrong and be kinder to myself and give myself time to heal instead of jumping the next wagon to distract me thinking of it as permanent solution. Not to mention time also passed by and the healing did not take place too when wanted. Double regret !
Some people say this preparation is a marathon for all. I politely disagree. It might be a marathon for some and a bungee jump for others. Mountain for some, beach for others. Do not let yourself get moulded into the set vessels having dictated by "few generalistic success stories of some". What might be boon for them may become a bane for you. Choose your mechanisms carefully. As @whatonly has rightly said we are all wonderfully unique and a timeline of one shouldn't be the basis of judgement for your own. Even in marathon, the atheletes near the track are placed on a different level to the ones on the periphery. Know your own frame of reference and be truthful and authentic to it. Nothing else matters. Once you get the hang of that frame of reference you will know that its not that the trees outside the train window that seem to be overrunning you and leaving you behind, or you them, or the other train passing by etc. Its rather the vessel , the medium of transport you are in. Don't compare air travel with road and wonder how the other one reached faster. Both are separate and reliable modes of transport in their own spaces. You have to choose whether you want to cruise through the journey enjoying the landscape outside and reach a tad late or its the clouds that fascinate you and reach early flying through them. Ultimately both are bound to reach the destination they are paid for.
May the force be with you in deciding the same!! Excuse the typos or if I wrote something off the charts. Its the first time I wrote something I feel here.
Dear @Patootie For someone who made account on forum just like a passerby but with time became a regular silent lurker here only to give way to find one of the humblest, kindest , genuine person who eventually became a mentor of sorts , a true friend who made me re-question the abstract grey matter i had been hurling intentionally at myself unnecessarily just to hurt myself more and who actually had incredulous faith in me even after each spell of failure, gloom and darkness i projected out , it pains me . Not your result. No that was not on radar ever but to see you this way. But the good thing is that This feeling is simultaneously coupled with the firm belief and faith of seeing you emerge out of this even finer than you already are, and boy i wonder what might erupt when that happens.
And since the life stories and bare emotions shared on this platform here have been so overwhelming so as to poke the lurker inside me to come out, here goes mine. Mind you, its boring, lamer and just bla so read at your own expense. You stirred the hornet's nest yourself!
I graduated in engineering from a Tier 2 college even though i knew it wasn't my cup of tea because my single mother thought I might not be able to be "at par" with other cousins in the family who have " all the right people to guide their children about career choice". I was a bright student till 10th and so even i conceded to her advice of going with engineering. The period from 11th to final year of engineering was what i thought " The most suffering i can intake now and everything post this will just seem better". Got really decent placements, one of the best in the batch probably ( shocking since i knew what quality engineer i was but then we all know how it goes mostly in engineering placements - Decent command over language skills and a smiling nod here and there). Let go of them all because in my head I was just patronising it all with- " I should just silently wait for this mess to get over, give my mom the A4 sized degree and then just swish away into doing far greater things that are meant for me than this irrelevant distasteful ordeal."
In my head I was like " My soul was always humanities , I have always enjoyed studying Social Sciences till 10th, How difficult can it honestly be, max 2 attempts and i am going to swirl in the cosmos of bringing some real change to the system".
Lo behold my first attempt , prepared the best I could, devoted my entire being to just this and this very exam, missed the cutoff by the scantiest of 1.33 marks. 1.33 ! My world came crashing down. All the mental timelines of life events i had charted out , all in drain and its not like I was over confident or something. I might have been looking down when I graduated but a year of soulful preparation and nothing but this humbled whatever clouds of insanity I was on before.
And thus began the tryst of my disinterest and passion with the exam. Meanwhile I gave Law entrance and took admission in a Tier 2 college in my city because I just did not know what to dwell into to take my mind off this heartbreak and I thought getting a Law degree would maybe help me reconnect with the grassroot level closely because " everyone needs to know their rights and duties". Also safe bet of backup. But " the feel " was still missing. I still went on and gave my second attempt. It was just 2 days after the death of a family member i was closest to, one of the only 2 people who believed in me and never mocked me for switching curves and unconventional views. I am not using tragedy as an excuse since I had the entire year to reboot myself entirely but I probably should have let go of that attempt because I was not in the best of the mental state. Still a part of me thought it might just happen. Well it didn't and it shouldn't ! I would have seriously doubted UPSC 's calibre then! This time missed by a decent margin of ~ 5 marks. More lethargy, lack of interest, the ignition, passion whatever you call it dampens. Meanwhile Law started growing on me , not in full bloom but bit by bit. I still feel it was my heartbreak and impulsive notion to occupy myself with something thats why I am still carrying Law. I dont hate it, i like it , its not bad but I don't love it as well. Not like the deep passion I feel for administration.
Jump to Third attempt, LOL ! I just gave it because I was in flow of giving them with each passing year. I was just breaking into law the whole time. Hardly read newspapers, or CA modules. I just gave it for the sake of it and also to show my mum yeah I am still in the loop or whatever so that her heart does not break. So ofcourse I did not clear. I took a break from the record and did not give it last year and thats when it dawned onto me- I have just been carrying the non-acceptance, hurt, denial , bruise on ego ( an ego which was self thrusted by the way, no one to blame ) of my FIRST PRELIMS FAILURE all this time. I haven't been able to get over it. And that non acceptance of failure stemmed from my own speculated mental timelines of what to achieve by which year and being quite rigid about the same, not giving space for anything else to grow or heal.
I thought getting into Law and distracting and diverting my energy would give me my reason and calling again but it just was like applying band-aid to a poisonous wound with puss coming out but taped to give an impression of all is well.I want to go on and on but at this point even I feel I should not transform this platform into an old agony aunty ranting street.
The point i am trying to make to you all is just as cliched as it can get and you might have heard a thousand times. But then again cliches exist for a reason don't they!? We are in this because we ourselves chose to be in this . For some it might be the glamour of doing the unconventional ( though I feel this race has become just about as conventional as it can now ), For some it might be due to an innate desire having stemmed from facing injustice or feeling the agony of helplessnes in life at some point, For some it might be another feather they want to add in their well donned cap. No reason is irrelevant as long as it is authentic to you and the very base of your principles and being. But simultaneously do know in the process of wounds caused due to failure in this cycle what is the degree of hurt caused. A band-aid wont work if you apply it on a poisonous wound and not every cut needs a surgical operation. Most of the time goes by in this fallacy of oscillating between the 2 extremes. And then follows regret and God knows regret hurts worse than the poisonous wound. I regret having wasted my second and third attempts like that because of my inadequacy to accept my wrong and be kinder to myself and give myself time to heal instead of jumping the next wagon to distract me thinking of it as permanent solution. Not to mention time also passed by and the healing did not take place too when wanted. Double regret !
Some people say this preparation is a marathon for all. I politely disagree. It might be a marathon for some and a bungee jump for others. Mountain for some, beach for others. Do not let yourself get moulded into the set vessels having dictated by "few generalistic success stories of some". What might be boon for them may become a bane for you. Choose your mechanisms carefully. As @whatonly has rightly said we are all wonderfully unique and a timeline of one shouldn't be the basis of judgement for your own. Even in marathon, the atheletes near the track are placed on a different level to the ones on the periphery. Know your own frame of reference and be truthful and authentic to it. Nothing else matters. Once you get the hang of that frame of reference you will know that its not that the trees outside the train window that seem to be overrunning you and leaving you behind, or you them, or the other train passing by etc. Its rather the vessel , the medium of transport you are in. Don't compare air travel with road and how the other one reached faster. Both are separate and reliable modes of transport in their own spaces. You have to choose whether you want to cruise through the journey enjoying the landscape outside and reach a tad late or its the clouds that fascinate you and reach early flying through them. Ultimately both are bound to reach the destination they are paid for.
May the force be with you in deciding the same!! Excuse the typos or if I wrote something off the charts. Its the first time I wrote something I feel here.
Summed up so many things which, in my brain I was unable to put into a sequence. Well written, mate! :)
Was watching cricket videos and I realised one thing, Sachin Tendulkar is one batsman who almost every time decided to walk out if he had edged one, even if the umpire was not convinced. Was it selfish of him, not to give consideration to the situation his team was in? Almost single time, he walked out on his own. I think that's what it takes, admit it and move on. After 3 attempts and 2 mains, this is what I find solace in. We know the rules of the game that we are playing. History optional bahut pain deta hai❤️
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