Civil Services Mains 2020 Results: In or Out ? Way ahead, gratitude and Pain
The Civils Mains result has been declared. This thread is for sharing your grief , joy , mixed feelings - absolutely anything and everything.
Hi guys , sorry for posting this out of nowhere. But this has been something I wanted to write since a long time. I posted it on other thread but really want people to know this and feel not alone , I am sharing here. Feel free to express yourself and if someone of you have suffered pls do post and release your frustation and If you have good parents then I must say u are very lucky.
Here it is :
Hey, I can relate to every bit you said. But here its my father and not my mother. He has been nudging me since I dont know when to loose some weight. Albeit one can't call me fat , but just little on the heavier side. Still all the nudging that do some yoga and exercise and get fit only because nobody is going to marry a girl who is fat. No recognising of any other fact of exitence , somebody is going to reject me only because I am fat!
I am one of those kids who doesn't have good relations with their parents(especially my father) and I feel perfectly fine with it. I know they do a lot for us but parents are not always right and not always good. Atleast my parents are not. And the best solution is to ignore them , thats what I have learnt from my existence woth my parents since last 21 years.
You cannot always make them happy, because my father is like seeking a prefectionist , child should be perfect - regardless of the fact how imperfect he is and other people can be. This sort of seeking perfection has been the prime reason for the dent in our relationship.
But somehow I feel this behaviour of his has made me more clear of how I want my future , the kind of people I would like to spend my life with and the need of financial independence.
And the way we all are expressing our views against our parents should be encourgaed , people most of times keep shut because of the constant judging that how can you speak against someone who has been there for u all the time since your birth , but people don't understand that not each parent does the right parenting.
I am waiting for the day to openly call out my father and tell the whole world as to how me and my sibling grew under him and how he was a wrong parent, very wrong.
I have been vocal about these things but he is thick skinned - i have called out his parenting since last 2 years, just to protect my younger sibling from this behaviour but to no avail. But I am sure to do something good for each child suffereing because of his parents in near future.
But I am also proud of myself to be living under all this and still not getting effected mentally. There have been times I broke down but I have learnt to live with it. Got more strong with it.
So yeah, people out there if you have similar stories you are not alone. We all are suffering.
Keep it going! All the best.
P.S. Selection ke baad twitter pe jaega yeh!
I can relate to this on multiple levels. As someone who has struggled with body image issues and an unhealthy relationship with food, I can relate to this all too well. It starts quite early on, with most of us in the family itself. A comment here, a snide remark there. And in all fairness, not trying to paint Indian families as ignorant bundles of pure evil, but more often than not, a joke is enough to shatter one’s self esteem, especially in the formative years of our teenage where we look at our identity viz a viz the world in a much more complex and nuanced manner.
I thought living away from home would solve the issue. Ironically, I was the only kid who put on weight with hostel food 🤷🏻♀️. And surprisingly, living back at home was when i started to become healthy and actually see a difference wrt to losing weight (obviously not claiming that losing weight= healthy). What changed after, a million fights, was figuring out what made me happy and fixing the “chatter” inside my head. And also, putting in place boundaries, for both my parents, as well as myself. Now obviously I understand that not everyone has the luxury of having a very frank relationship with one’s parents.
Coming to the issue of parents and parenting in general in India. I actually know a lot of parents who are like your father, who want a perfect child. I feel like you’re making a lot of progress wrt self-awareness already. Most children of such parents, usually let that streak of perfectionism seep into their personality and their self-worth. And kudos to you recognising that early and separating that from your identity.
Parents and the archetypes they come to represent is such a sensitive topic, (which Deewar elevated to an altogether different level) that its never possible to talk about these things without hurting at least one person’s sentiments. So that’s really brave of you to open the space to question. I’m someone who has a really good (borderline unhealthily good) relationship with my parents, owing to the fact that I’m a single child. And yet, as I grew up, I couldn’t help but notice the hypocrisies our parents commit. But I suppose that is what makes them human. We are all a sum collection of our faults and our fault lines. Our parents are no exception to that rule. The moment I accepted that is when I truly learnt to love them (till then I was mostly dependant on them).
More often than not, parents also learn from their parents, either directly or indirectly. So it could be that some of your father’s behaviours are the result of his parenting. This is not to condone your father’s behaviour at all, rather to help you deal with it without resenting him.
P.S: I remember watching a video on the School of Life channel (which is where I go to combat mid-week existential crises), and it said, that “you don’t have to be the best parent, or even a good parent, you just have to be a good enough parent.” It really humanised parenting in my eyes.
@Just_restless hey, what good is a philosophical essay which doesn’t give the reader and the author an existential crisis, amirite? :P
I know of a guy who thought the "ships don't sink" essay was purely about climate change and rising sea levels. Substantiated with stuff from Mains 365. Examiner must've had the ultimate mindfuck. I believe one's score in the philosophical essay is directly proportional to the depth of the mindfuck. Come to think of it, that guy's a genius.
Absolute madlad :'D
Vaccine in India
Its like a girlfriend/boyfriend whom everyone want to have
those who are eligible tend to compare post having one with the other
those ineligible wants to have one desperately
meanwhile after a hurdle if one gets to have , they realize
that they should have waited for the third one which is a russian :)
Vaccine in India
Its like a girlfriend/boyfriend whom everyone want to have
those who are eligible tend to compare post having one with the other
those ineligible wants to have one desperately
meanwhile after a hurdle if one gets to have , they realize
that they should have waited for the third one which is a russian :)
Not necessarily.
Vaccine is also life saving :P
@sstarrr You know people might tell you it's alright, they are parents, they have good intentions, but that doesn't change the fact that the scars they cause are still real.You know every kid deserves a parent but not all parents deserve their kids. ( Sorry if it's too far, but it's a fact.)Just know that just as you are facing a problem for the first time, so are they, trying to maneuver through life, and they screw up too. I would suggest you to 'humanise' them rather that 'demonize' them.But I don't see just making your peace with it a solution, sometimes you need to call people out whether it's parents or prime minister we know accountability is important. But remember to cover your bases and make sure you would be safe before anything else.
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@sstarrr This comes straight from the heart of a person who had daddy issues as big as his man boobs while growing up. Parents can sometimes be dead wrong. Socially accepted standards of morality are often wrong. I respect you for not trying to rationalise the cruel stuff that he did to you. I respect you for standing up for you and your brother. Physical or emotional abuse is never okay, irrespective of who does it. When it is a parent that does it, we spend our entire lives trying to reconcile it with the immutable idea that such abuse comes from a place of love. However, I think it comes from a lack of respect. Every child needs to be respected by the parent as well. Else, they grow up feeling inadequate. This leads them down a toxic path where it is their life's goal to make the abusive parent proud of them.
Your experience sounds extremely hurtful, and it is your truth. If your natural sense of justice does not allow you to accept it as natural, I respect you for trusting it. Like someone else said, it might be your father's conditioning that makes him act this way. That however does not impose upon you the moral responsibility to tolerate the abuse. It is your responsibility only to tell him how his actions affect you. It is his problem which he should correct, and from what you have said, it seems he is oblivious to it. If your father has a thorough conviction that his actions are infallible, you cannot hope to reason with that. Your only option is to accept it, and walk away from that if you must.
I respect you for having the courage to accept it at this young age. I hope things get better for you, dear friend. :)
@Spectrum1 This year's Ethics paper stunned me. Any tips for prep? I read "Red book" for Ethics prepared by ForumIAS. And took some reference from D Subba Rao. But struggled in writing this year's paper.
You can share the questions where you faced difficulty and also mention the type of difficulty you faced while answering those questions (like content, writing speed or structuring etc), i'll be able to share my views effectively.
Regards.
peterparker,
Dear co-aspirant, i absolutely empathize with your situation and understand how it feels to go through it. In fact, I've been through something similar that I cannot disclose here.
But I congratulate you for the fact that you've realized one of the most important things in the adult life and that is "Parents can sometimes be wrong, and only I'm the master of my fate. Nobody can decide things for me". It may sound too rebellious for most people, but I and you can probably understand why we hold this idea in our head.
Also, i would like to humbly suggest you something. Do ponder upon this and decide in your best interests.
A good parent is one who takes the responsibility of allowing the kid to develop into a well functioning adult (by providing resources, opportunities, knowledge and liberty to oneself) and not make/influence decisions on their behalf. If a parent is just responsible enough to understand the kid, in my humble opinion he/she is one of best parents anyone can have.
Similarly, A good child is not the one who always agrees to what the parents say. A good child is one who decides things as an adult either in agreement or disagreement but in-spite of that, takes full care of the needs of a parent during their second half of the life. After 60s, parents need support so that they have a comfortable retired life. You need to take care of their health and well-being, by also providing enough financial resources for their leisure. If you can just fulfill this, you are perhaps one of the best children out there.
In short, a good parent or child is one who supports each other during their tough times, in-spite of all the disagreements or confrontations. But unfortunately, our society does not understand this. It has created this idea that the child is the worst child if the child does not agree with everything that the parents say.
I fully agree with your anger of sharing your story on twitter, you have every right to do so. But in-spite of that, i only urge you that, while you may show your dissent, do not forget your responsibility as a child and do take care of your parents in their post-retirement life. They need your support and do not leave them alone. You can always show your dissent but let there be enough mental space/empathy to always take care of your parents like an adult, especially when they need you the most.
In case I've typed anything wrong, I would humbly apologize in advance. I've only shared my humble views.
Take care. :)
whatonly,@sstarrr It was not meant in a patronising way, you know your reality, noone else can see it. It was meant in a general way.
I didn't take it in wrong way friend. I just said what I felt. I do understand your point , you were just trying to make it easier for me to move but scars remain my friend.
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