Civil Services Mains 2020 Results: In or Out ? Way ahead, gratitude and Pain
The Civils Mains result has been declared. This thread is for sharing your grief , joy , mixed feelings - absolutely anything and everything.
Hello good people of Forum, sorry if this is not the right thread for it but I really need to get something off my chest.
A little background about me - 2019 graduate here, will turn 25 next March, unemployed, already 2 attempts wasted. 1st attempt - didn't even know the syllabus, was very happy having graduated with excellent marks and feeling optimistic about the future, gave the exam just to get afeelof UPSC. 2nd attempt - again unprepared, was going to skip as focus was more on other exams but the due to postponement I thought I'd give it a shot. Read the basic books, but no revision or CA, again failed spectacularly.
I've given other exams in the hope of getting a job before I devote myself fully to UPSC. Reached interview stages in bank PO (missed out by less than 0.3 marks), eliminated in T3 of CGL, cleared a few prelims and mains of other exams but never made it to the final list. I know I'm on the cusp of clearing a few exams with just a little more hardwork and luck. Been preparing for MPPSC and EPFO very diligently for last few months and I'm fairly confident in both and at the same time laying the groundwork for a serious 2022 attempt.
I'm a fairly optimistic and cheerful person, I have fantastic, god-like parents who support and encourage me every single day even though I've yet to show them anything for my efforts. But the thing is, these last few weeks, I've been experiencing crippling fear and anxiety the likes of which I've never felt in my life. I don't know what brought it on, maybe it was due to the fact that it's been exactly 2 years since I graduated and I haven't earned a penny, or because I've yet to taste any sort of success career-wise.
I can't sleep well, I can't concentrate, I get panic attacks and I have to rush to my room and calm myself down. I feel like I've let my parents down. I don't go out, I've gained a lot of weight, I don't talk to anyone, I try to study but the fear and anxiety makes it difficult. My friends are all employed, and I sense a mocking tune in their texts so I've stopped using social media.
Maybe all of this is normal for an aspirant, but since I've never experienced all things myself I'm scared. What if I don't make it? What if I keep letting myself and everyone around me down? I don't want to be a failure. I've never been an emotional person but these days I feel like I might burst into tears anytime. I don't know what to do. There's exactly 30 days to go for MPPSC and I should be revising diligently but I'm unable to focus.
I'm really sorry if I've upset anyone. I just don't know what else to do. I am very close to my parents but I don't want them to worry so this felt like the place to put my thoughts into words among peers. Again, sorry if this is not the right place for it.
A random aspirant.
What you wrote is my story in general and most of the aspirants here. If it comforts you, you are not alone in this.
The exam being such a difficult ride in itself, was exacerbated by the successive waves of the pandemic, rendering us financially, socially, and economically weaker.
Firstly, you have to accept that what you are feeling is completely normal and come to terms with it. When we face fear, it becomes less fearful. Secondly, sometimes if we are stuck in/by something, it is like a final straw and our breakdown occurs. Has something struck you in particular recently? Low scores, exam anxiety, some taunt etc? You need to think about it. Take a break for a couple of days, koi loss ni hona padhai ka, you'll feel better.
You know, in the Bhagavad-gita it is written to detach ourselves from the outcome of our actions and be earnest towards fulfilling our Dharma(here studies) only. It is very easy for me to preach that you should do the former, but what else choice do we have? We have to strive day by day to achieve this mental state as it is our only respite from fear and anxiety.
Finally, next time when uncomforting thoughts confront you, do not shy away by watching any entertainment or eating any favourite dish or any other sweet escape from the present. We often do this thing instead of facing our thoughts and thinking deeply and rationally about them. Half of the battle will be won if we just pause and instead of finding an escape, just think deeply about our fears and gauge their severity. More often than not, we find our deepest fears to be an exaggeration of our problems, created by ourselves only.
We will be successful brother, if not today, then tomorrow, but we surely will.
Hello good people of Forum, sorry if this is not the right thread for it but I really need to get something off my chest.
A little background about me - 2019 graduate here, will turn 25 next March, unemployed, already 2 attempts wasted. 1st attempt - didn't even know the syllabus, was very happy having graduated with excellent marks and feeling optimistic about the future, gave the exam just to get afeelof UPSC. 2nd attempt - again unprepared, was going to skip as focus was more on other exams but the due to postponement I thought I'd give it a shot. Read the basic books, but no revision or CA, again failed spectacularly.
I've given other exams in the hope of getting a job before I devote myself fully to UPSC. Reached interview stages in bank PO (missed out by less than 0.3 marks), eliminated in T3 of CGL, cleared a few prelims and mains of other exams but never made it to the final list. I know I'm on the cusp of clearing a few exams with just a little more hardwork and luck. Been preparing for MPPSC and EPFO very diligently for last few months and I'm fairly confident in both and at the same time laying the groundwork for a serious 2022 attempt.
I'm a fairly optimistic and cheerful person, I have fantastic, god-like parents who support and encourage me every single day even though I've yet to show them anything for my efforts. But the thing is, these last few weeks, I've been experiencing crippling fear and anxiety the likes of which I've never felt in my life. I don't know what brought it on, maybe it was due to the fact that it's been exactly 2 years since I graduated and I haven't earned a penny, or because I've yet to taste any sort of success career-wise.
I can't sleep well, I can't concentrate, I get panic attacks and I have to rush to my room and calm myself down. I feel like I've let my parents down. I don't go out, I've gained a lot of weight, I don't talk to anyone, I try to study but the fear and anxiety makes it difficult. My friends are all employed, and I sense a mocking tune in their texts so I've stopped using social media.
Maybe all of this is normal for an aspirant, but since I've never experienced all things myself I'm scared. What if I don't make it? What if I keep letting myself and everyone around me down? I don't want to be a failure. I've never been an emotional person but these days I feel like I might burst into tears anytime. I don't know what to do. There's exactly 30 days to go for MPPSC and I should be revising diligently but I'm unable to focus.
I'm really sorry if I've upset anyone. I just don't know what else to do. I am very close to my parents but I don't want them to worry so this felt like the place to put my thoughts into words among peers. Again, sorry if this is not the right place for it.
A random aspirant.
Please don't apologise for posting :) it's definitely not the wrong place.
This exam may have glorious fruits at the end of it but man sometimes it can suck all the joy out of us. There's nothing to be ashamed of in how you are feeling. In fact if this is the first time in two years you are experiencing this you've already managed to fight it for a long time. It will be okay, you will soon be your optimistic cheerful self again. These phases will come and go, all we can do is try to ride it out.
If possible I want to gently suggest try talking to your parents anyway. Have a good cry if you can. Use the support system that you have. You might worry them a bit, but maybe even they can sense how you are feeling now anyway. And especially with the time pressure, you need to break out of the tension that is building up. There's no shame in breaking down, that's how we build back up better :)
And the lack of employment has a way of making us feel useless and worthless. Something that i find helps with that feeling is to do something useful that helps somebody. There is an app calledBe My EyesI installed a few months ago. A simple interaction made me realise the power of this. It can even be something as small as doing an extra job around the house, or saying something nice to someone. It's amazing how much a little thing can add to your day. Or if you have a hobby just do something once a day for a few minutes where you are creating something - write, paint, cook, anything. Anything to remind us we are more than a roll number and the lack of a salary slip. That we can be connected to the world in our own small way even in this phase.
You're definitely not alone my friend. Hope you feel better very soon :)
"I can't sleep well, I can't concentrate, I get panic attacks and I have to rush to my room and calm myself down. I feel like I've let my parents down. I don't go out, I've gained a lot of weight, I don't talk to anyone, I try to study but the fear and anxiety makes it difficult. My friends are all employed, and I sense a mocking tune in their texts so I've stopped using social media."
In 2018-19, I suffered from a mental health crisis of sorts, so much so that I had to take professional help. Didn't even fill form for 2019, despite graduating in 2018, due to the same. These two years of trauma taught me one thing after consulting some good number of health experts and after a lot of self introspection, that a major cause of our anxiety is because of two things- either we repent about our past or we worry about our future. And the thing which unknowingly aggravates is that we are good kids having amazing parents that we feel guilty about hurting them as well.
I realised that a major cause of my anxiety was this idea that I wanted to clear paper in 1st attempt. This sole idea made it so difficult for me to even breathe (talking metaphorically here), let alone study anything.
In your case, There is a mix of worrying about future and thinking simultaneously that you have wasted 2 years doing nothing.
I don't know if it helps but, I have personally now accepted the fact that it doesn't matter if you clear UPSC in one attempt or more. In fact you have yourself accepted that your last 2 attempts were not wholehearted. And since you have reached at various stages of various exams, I am sure that you do have the calibre in you to do well.
Regarding your present anxiety, I would really suggest you not to isolate urself like you have mentioned that u don't go out or dont talk to friends. I did that too and it didn't really make a differance. Right now I am at a stage where I dont use social media, but where I make it a point to talk to atleast one of my best friend once a month. I am hoping that you haven't isolated urself completely, because it will just mess up your mind.
I hope that you give time to yourself doing things that you really enjoy. I hope the breaks that you take are actually breaks that rejuvenate your mind. I would have suggested you to take a fews days off but since you don't have much time left, maybe you can take 2 days of not touching any book (you may absolutely disagree with me here). Just take time out for yourself . Go for a walk or a run. Take a cold shower . Anything that opens up your mind. Sometimes we tire up our brains so much that it can't take anymore.
I was in a similar boat few days ago. Gave myself few days completely off and it did work. Although I still have my bad days, but I try not to let that overpower me (which I do fail at times). Its natural I guess. And I know how it can feel not wanting to bother our parents with these issues, that why we are here. We are in the same boat mate. So many lovely people out here to support us. In fact , I do believe that you day will be made by reading all the lovely comments here.
And lastly as MS Dhoni once said, focus on the process, result will take care of itself.
Good luck. Don;t be too hard on yourself. Atleast try not to be so hard. :)
Hello good people of Forum, sorry if this is not the right thread for it but I really need to get something off my chest.
A little background about me - 2019 graduate here, will turn 25 next March, unemployed, already 2 attempts wasted. 1st attempt - didn't even know the syllabus, was very happy having graduated with excellent marks and feeling optimistic about the future, gave the exam just to get afeelof UPSC. 2nd attempt - again unprepared, was going to skip as focus was more on other exams but the due to postponement I thought I'd give it a shot. Read the basic books, but no revision or CA, again failed spectacularly.
I've given other exams in the hope of getting a job before I devote myself fully to UPSC. Reached interview stages in bank PO (missed out by less than 0.3 marks), eliminated in T3 of CGL, cleared a few prelims and mains of other exams but never made it to the final list. I know I'm on the cusp of clearing a few exams with just a little more hardwork and luck. Been preparing for MPPSC and EPFO very diligently for last few months and I'm fairly confident in both and at the same time laying the groundwork for a serious 2022 attempt.
I'm a fairly optimistic and cheerful person, I have fantastic, god-like parents who support and encourage me every single day even though I've yet to show them anything for my efforts. But the thing is, these last few weeks, I've been experiencing crippling fear and anxiety the likes of which I've never felt in my life. I don't know what brought it on, maybe it was due to the fact that it's been exactly 2 years since I graduated and I haven't earned a penny, or because I've yet to taste any sort of success career-wise.
I can't sleep well, I can't concentrate, I get panic attacks and I have to rush to my room and calm myself down. I feel like I've let my parents down. I don't go out, I've gained a lot of weight, I don't talk to anyone, I try to study but the fear and anxiety makes it difficult. My friends are all employed, and I sense a mocking tune in their texts so I've stopped using social media.
Maybe all of this is normal for an aspirant, but since I've never experienced all things myself I'm scared. What if I don't make it? What if I keep letting myself and everyone around me down? I don't want to be a failure. I've never been an emotional person but these days I feel like I might burst into tears anytime. I don't know what to do. There's exactly 30 days to go for MPPSC and I should be revising diligently but I'm unable to focus.
I'm really sorry if I've upset anyone. I just don't know what else to do. I am very close to my parents but I don't want them to worry so this felt like the place to put my thoughts into words among peers. Again, sorry if this is not the right place for it.
A random aspirant.
Someone told my father over the phone that upsc ka pre toh koi bhi nikal leta hai, that I should do something worthwhile instead of wasting time in this hopeless endeavour. Such is aspirant life. It's a war of attrition. Every other day your resolve will be tested, every week you will find yourself oscillating between immoderate despair and unalloyed hope. But there is no escape from it, no panacea. The best you could do is moderating your expectations and coming to terms with your fate- life is just that a slow languid road of willing/unwilling compromises. Once you have resigned yourself to fate and stop fighting it, you will be able to save precious enegry/will power that you can direct towards something constructive , a great man called this russian fatalism.
Also if you want to do yourself a favour , never give much time to unproductive thoughts because we humans have a proclivity of romanticising suffering and indulging in self pity, and once we are on that road it becomes difficult to come off it. research shows that ruminating over deprewsing thoughts never helps you in anyway. Whenever you feel down don't ask yourself why I am such ...., Why my life is so...., Instead ask what you can do improve your situation, what can you do to achieve your goal. We have been conditioned to ask the 'Why' of it , but the right question is What of it. And like Marx said( or subra Ranjan idc) first act of man was production not contemplation. Give priority to action, you can contemplate and think about the vacuous qsns of life and death and meaning once you have a job , there's plenty of time for that in life.
----copied from whatsapp
Hello good people of Forum, sorry if this is not the right thread for it but I really need to get something off my chest.
A little background about me - 2019 graduate here, will turn 25 next March, unemployed, already 2 attempts wasted. 1st attempt - didn't even know the syllabus, was very happy having graduated with excellent marks and feeling optimistic about the future, gave the exam just to get afeelof UPSC. 2nd attempt - again unprepared, was going to skip as focus was more on other exams but the due to postponement I thought I'd give it a shot. Read the basic books, but no revision or CA, again failed spectacularly.
I've given other exams in the hope of getting a job before I devote myself fully to UPSC. Reached interview stages in bank PO (missed out by less than 0.3 marks), eliminated in T3 of CGL, cleared a few prelims and mains of other exams but never made it to the final list. I know I'm on the cusp of clearing a few exams with just a little more hardwork and luck. Been preparing for MPPSC and EPFO very diligently for last few months and I'm fairly confident in both and at the same time laying the groundwork for a serious 2022 attempt.
I'm a fairly optimistic and cheerful person, I have fantastic, god-like parents who support and encourage me every single day even though I've yet to show them anything for my efforts. But the thing is, these last few weeks, I've been experiencing crippling fear and anxiety the likes of which I've never felt in my life. I don't know what brought it on, maybe it was due to the fact that it's been exactly 2 years since I graduated and I haven't earned a penny, or because I've yet to taste any sort of success career-wise.
I can't sleep well, I can't concentrate, I get panic attacks and I have to rush to my room and calm myself down. I feel like I've let my parents down. I don't go out, I've gained a lot of weight, I don't talk to anyone, I try to study but the fear and anxiety makes it difficult. My friends are all employed, and I sense a mocking tune in their texts so I've stopped using social media.
Maybe all of this is normal for an aspirant, but since I've never experienced all things myself I'm scared. What if I don't make it? What if I keep letting myself and everyone around me down? I don't want to be a failure. I've never been an emotional person but these days I feel like I might burst into tears anytime. I don't know what to do. There's exactly 30 days to go for MPPSC and I should be revising diligently but I'm unable to focus.
I'm really sorry if I've upset anyone. I just don't know what else to do. I am very close to my parents but I don't want them to worry so this felt like the place to put my thoughts into words among peers. Again, sorry if this is not the right place for it.
A random aspirant.
Hello, my friend. What I did long back when I was thoroughly depressed was that I hugged my mother and I cried. This was in April 2020, during the first lockdown. The exams were surely to be postponed, if not outright cancelled. I had failed two prelims despite my best efforts and I had long been unemployed as well at the time. Life was on autopilot. It’s a terrible feeling to wake up in the morning for months on end knowing fully well that you’ve lost the power of human agency.
My mom had never seen me like that before. She was so worried that she always kept an eye on me and tried to ensure that I wasn’t alone. She told me to leave it altogether if I was losing myself in the process. Yet, she told me I could make it. And I saw in her eyes how much she wished that I would. Even still, for her, my well being was paramount.
Around the same time, I opened up to my best friend and partner about how I felt. I am the kind who always puts on a mask and is afraid to show vulnerability. I’m quite aware of my own insecurities, but I always tend to suppress them in front of others and rarely do I actually confront my insecurities for that matter. That night, we spoke till 3:30 in the night. And I told her everything. I told her how I felt I was betraying everyone’s trust, and how I felt so powerless to change any of it. I told her how I felt inconsequential, fighting a battle in which it’s next to impossible to measure your own progress. After I told her that, I felt naked. I felt humble.
For a lot of people, the preparation tends to start from a place of love. In time, this love often transforms into a burden of expectations. This burden is something we perceive in our minds, and we begin to hate ourselves for being unable to carry that burden. That is the opposite of love, isn’t it? Love is meant to empower. And when we begin to hate ourselves at any level, it is unnatural.
For me, my road to recovery was finding that love again. In that pursuit, I realised that it is never something you can do overnight. It is something you actively have to search for. It starts with a decision, a moment, a minute, an hour. Brick by brick, you search for that love. The search is what brings you the joy you seek. The deeper you search, the closer you are to the love you seek to give back.
I started taking it hour by hour. I wasn’t focused on clearing the exam as my method of giving back the love these lovely people had for me. I focused on giving it an honest effort to the best of my ability, even when every bone in my body revolted against me. The best of my ability was sometimes just an hour a day, and sometimes it was 14 hours a day. The best of my ability was trying to ensure that I didn’t lose myself in the process, because if I did, the whole point would be lost.
I focused on eating right and working out when I could, but I never beat myself up if I couldn’t do it. I picked up a new instrument, because of my love for music and that gave me time to explore my own self. I changed my entire routine one decision at a time. That was the happiest time of my life. I cleared prelims, but what gave me a hundred times more joy was that I realised that I had my power of human agency again. It was my bubble that gave me joy, because in that bubble, I could be whoever I chose to be.
At the end of it all, I did not clear the mains examination. After prelims, I found that I had lost my bubble. I ran behind the results again, instead of the process. I was a prelims qualified candidate who had a real shot at the mains. Before that, I was just a regular guy trying to get his whole life in order. My plans did go awry, the anxiety and the pain did come back. Even now, they have not left me altogether. Even now, I feel like life is on autopilot sometimes. But I know that with enough effort and time, I can change that. Putting in that effort, that is the part there is no hack to. It has to happen moment by moment, decision by decision.
My friend, I don’t mean to say that I’ve had the same issues you are facing right now. I won’t even say that these issues are common to thousands of others giving this exam. That is because irrespective of how many people feel similar things, your struggles are yours alone. Your methods to come out of it will be yours alone. The only thing common is that it will test your willpower more than anything else. Like I’ve said before, motivation is bullshit. It is fleeting in the larger scheme of things. Things happen through real effort and real time. Even if someone gave you the list of things you need to follow in order to feel better, it won’t be the answer you seek unless you can actually remind your body every other hour that you have the power of human agency. Take ownership of the decisions you take, and by that, I mean the hundred decisions you take every single day. Slowly, but surely, you’ll find what you seek. And maybe you’ll find that what you sought to find again was that love after all. I hope it empowers like nothing else. :)
Hello good people of Forum, sorry if this is not the right thread for it but I really need to get something off my chest.
A little background about me - 2019 graduate here, will turn 25 next March, unemployed, already 2 attempts wasted. 1st attempt - didn't even know the syllabus, was very happy having graduated with excellent marks and feeling optimistic about the future, gave the exam just to get afeelof UPSC. 2nd attempt - again unprepared, was going to skip as focus was more on other exams but the due to postponement I thought I'd give it a shot. Read the basic books, but no revision or CA, again failed spectacularly.
I've given other exams in the hope of getting a job before I devote myself fully to UPSC. Reached interview stages in bank PO (missed out by less than 0.3 marks), eliminated in T3 of CGL, cleared a few prelims and mains of other exams but never made it to the final list. I know I'm on the cusp of clearing a few exams with just a little more hardwork and luck. Been preparing for MPPSC and EPFO very diligently for last few months and I'm fairly confident in both and at the same time laying the groundwork for a serious 2022 attempt.
I'm a fairly optimistic and cheerful person, I have fantastic, god-like parents who support and encourage me every single day even though I've yet to show them anything for my efforts. But the thing is, these last few weeks, I've been experiencing crippling fear and anxiety the likes of which I've never felt in my life. I don't know what brought it on, maybe it was due to the fact that it's been exactly 2 years since I graduated and I haven't earned a penny, or because I've yet to taste any sort of success career-wise.
I can't sleep well, I can't concentrate, I get panic attacks and I have to rush to my room and calm myself down. I feel like I've let my parents down. I don't go out, I've gained a lot of weight, I don't talk to anyone, I try to study but the fear and anxiety makes it difficult. My friends are all employed, and I sense a mocking tune in their texts so I've stopped using social media.
Maybe all of this is normal for an aspirant, but since I've never experienced all things myself I'm scared. What if I don't make it? What if I keep letting myself and everyone around me down? I don't want to be a failure. I've never been an emotional person but these days I feel like I might burst into tears anytime. I don't know what to do. There's exactly 30 days to go for MPPSC and I should be revising diligently but I'm unable to focus.
I'm really sorry if I've upset anyone. I just don't know what else to do. I am very close to my parents but I don't want them to worry so this felt like the place to put my thoughts into words among peers. Again, sorry if this is not the right place for it.
A random aspirant.
Someone told my father over the phone that upsc ka pre toh koi bhi nikal leta hai, that I should do something worthwhile instead of wasting time in this hopeless endeavour. Such is aspirant life. It's a war of attrition. Every other day your resolve will be tested, every week you will find yourself oscillating between immoderate despair and unalloyed hope. But there is no escape from it, no panacea. The best you could do is moderating your expectations and coming to terms with your fate- life is just that a slow languid road of willing/unwilling compromises. Once you have resigned yourself to fate and stop fighting it, you will be able to save precious enegry/will power that you can direct towards something constructive , a great man called this russian fatalism.
Also if you want to do yourself a favour , never give much time to unproductive thoughts because we humans have a proclivity of romanticising suffering and indulging in self pity, and once we are on that road it becomes difficult to come off it. research shows that ruminating over deprewsing thoughts never helps you in anyway. Whenever you feel down don't ask yourself why I am such ...., Why my life is so...., Instead ask what you can do improve your situation, what can you do to achieve your goal. We have been conditioned to ask the 'Why' of it , but the right question is What of it. And like Marx said( or subra Ranjan idc) first act of man was production not contemplation. Give priority to action, you can contemplate and think about the vacuous qsns of life and death and meaning once you have a job , there's plenty of time for that in life.
----copied from whatsapp
Humorously, i so want to put to use the provision of new IT rules of 2021 to trace out the first originator of this gyaan se bhara text to thank the person for typing this. 😂
To be honest, that’s some well articulated wisdom right there. 👌🏼😁
@12432TrivendrumRajdhani Tagging you here as I don't want to disturb that thread.
Now this is some discovery for me. I couldn't think that someone can have this kind of passion for railways. You have to teach me that tatkal wala jugad. My 'fastest fingers first' skills are horrible. I wonder if you will put this in your interview daf. I am already guessing the questions they might ask you
Unlike you I am not that fasinated about railways in specific but yes, I do have lots of awesome train journey memories. In my school and college days I used to do a lot of travelling (both inter state and intra state) because of tournaments. Missing the destination station, ticketless travel(multiple times), weird fellow passengers, travelling in last chamber/coach of a frieght train are some of things that I can recall now. Those train journeys are very close to my heart because a part of my childhood lies in them.
Train journeys are also special for me because I haven't taken a flight till date and I don't like travelling in bus.
Railways is not just a govt organisation, it is a part of Indian psyche. If we hit the playback button of our lives most of us will have some or the other crazy story to tell about train journeys.
This comment and Trivendrum Rajdhani's comment (can't find the tag, for some reason) reminded me of my own childhood. For a long period of time when I was quite young, all I wanted was to be the guy who could run trains.
That dream faded by 9th standard, to be replaced by the one I still hold dear and am trying to achieve.
As life would have it, I achieved my dream - just not the most recent one. Reading these comments gave me some of that childhood joy and that sense of wonder back. Thank you for that. :)
Also, tell me that tatkal booking trick - I shall put out the request to plug those loopholes! :P
"I can't sleep well, I can't concentrate, I get panic attacks and I have to rush to my room and calm myself down. I feel like I've let my parents down. I don't go out, I've gained a lot of weight, I don't talk to anyone, I try to study but the fear and anxiety makes it difficult. My friends are all employed, and I sense a mocking tune in their texts so I've stopped using social media."
In 2018-19, I suffered from a mental health crisis of sorts, so much so that I had to take professional help. Didn't even fill form for 2019, despite graduating in 2018, due to the same. These two years of trauma taught me one thing after consulting some good number of health experts and after a lot of self introspection, that a major cause of our anxiety is because of two things- either we repent about our past or we worry about our future. And the thing which unknowingly aggravates is that we are good kids having amazing parents that we feel guilty about hurting them as well.
I realised that a major cause of my anxiety was this idea that I wanted to clear paper in 1st attempt. This sole idea made it so difficult for me to even breathe (talking metaphorically here), let alone study anything.
In your case, There is a mix of worrying about future and thinking simultaneously that you have wasted 2 years doing nothing.
I don't know if it helps but, I have personally now accepted the fact that it doesn't matter if you clear UPSC in one attempt or more. In fact you have yourself accepted that your last 2 attempts were not wholehearted. And since you have reached at various stages of various exams, I am sure that you do have the calibre in you to do well.
Regarding your present anxiety, I would really suggest you not to isolate urself like you have mentioned that u don't go out or dont talk to friends. I did that too and it didn't really make a differance. Right now I am at a stage where I dont use social media, but where I make it a point to talk to atleast one of my best friend once a month. I am hoping that you haven't isolated urself completely, because it will just mess up your mind.
I hope that you give time to yourself doing things that you really enjoy. I hope the breaks that you take are actually breaks that rejuvenate your mind. I would have suggested you to take a fews days off but since you don't have much time left, maybe you can take 2 days of not touching any book (you may absolutely disagree with me here). Just take time out for yourself . Go for a walk or a run. Take a cold shower . Anything that opens up your mind. Sometimes we tire up our brains so much that it can't take anymore.
I was in a similar boat few days ago. Gave myself few days completely off and it did work. Although I still have my bad days, but I try not to let that overpower me (which I do fail at times). Its natural I guess. And I know how it can feel not wanting to bother our parents with these issues, that why we are here. We are in the same boat mate. So many lovely people out here to support us. In fact , I do believe that you day will be made by reading all the lovely comments here.And lastly as MS Dhoni once said, focus on the process, result will take care of itself.
Good luck. Don;t be too hard on yourself. Atleast try not to be so hard. :)
I really hope I’m not trivialising your post, but that 1.5 line spacing tho 🔥
"I can't sleep well, I can't concentrate, I get panic attacks and I have to rush to my room and calm myself down. I feel like I've let my parents down. I don't go out, I've gained a lot of weight, I don't talk to anyone, I try to study but the fear and anxiety makes it difficult. My friends are all employed, and I sense a mocking tune in their texts so I've stopped using social media."
In 2018-19, I suffered from a mental health crisis of sorts, so much so that I had to take professional help. Didn't even fill form for 2019, despite graduating in 2018, due to the same. These two years of trauma taught me one thing after consulting some good number of health experts and after a lot of self introspection, that a major cause of our anxiety is because of two things- either we repent about our past or we worry about our future. And the thing which unknowingly aggravates is that we are good kids having amazing parents that we feel guilty about hurting them as well.
I realised that a major cause of my anxiety was this idea that I wanted to clear paper in 1st attempt. This sole idea made it so difficult for me to even breathe (talking metaphorically here), let alone study anything.
In your case, There is a mix of worrying about future and thinking simultaneously that you have wasted 2 years doing nothing.
I don't know if it helps but, I have personally now accepted the fact that it doesn't matter if you clear UPSC in one attempt or more. In fact you have yourself accepted that your last 2 attempts were not wholehearted. And since you have reached at various stages of various exams, I am sure that you do have the calibre in you to do well.
Regarding your present anxiety, I would really suggest you not to isolate urself like you have mentioned that u don't go out or dont talk to friends. I did that too and it didn't really make a differance. Right now I am at a stage where I dont use social media, but where I make it a point to talk to atleast one of my best friend once a month. I am hoping that you haven't isolated urself completely, because it will just mess up your mind.
I hope that you give time to yourself doing things that you really enjoy. I hope the breaks that you take are actually breaks that rejuvenate your mind. I would have suggested you to take a fews days off but since you don't have much time left, maybe you can take 2 days of not touching any book (you may absolutely disagree with me here). Just take time out for yourself . Go for a walk or a run. Take a cold shower . Anything that opens up your mind. Sometimes we tire up our brains so much that it can't take anymore.
I was in a similar boat few days ago. Gave myself few days completely off and it did work. Although I still have my bad days, but I try not to let that overpower me (which I do fail at times). Its natural I guess. And I know how it can feel not wanting to bother our parents with these issues, that why we are here. We are in the same boat mate. So many lovely people out here to support us. In fact , I do believe that you day will be made by reading all the lovely comments here.And lastly as MS Dhoni once said, focus on the process, result will take care of itself.
Good luck. Don;t be too hard on yourself. Atleast try not to be so hard. :)
I really hope I’m not trivialising your post, but that 1.5 line spacing tho 🔥
Hahaha, arey, I didn't do it intentionally. It is so random. Sometimes even while clicking enter 10 times, it doesn't go to the next time and sometimes we have line spacing as aesthetic as this.
LOL!!
ssver2,
Hello good people of Forum, sorry if this is not the right thread for it but I really need to get something off my chest.
A little background about me - 2019 graduate here, will turn 25 next March, unemployed, already 2 attempts wasted. 1st attempt - didn't even know the syllabus, was very happy having graduated with excellent marks and feeling optimistic about the future, gave the exam just to get afeelof UPSC. 2nd attempt - again unprepared, was going to skip as focus was more on other exams but the due to postponement I thought I'd give it a shot. Read the basic books, but no revision or CA, again failed spectacularly.
I've given other exams in the hope of getting a job before I devote myself fully to UPSC. Reached interview stages in bank PO (missed out by less than 0.3 marks), eliminated in T3 of CGL, cleared a few prelims and mains of other exams but never made it to the final list. I know I'm on the cusp of clearing a few exams with just a little more hardwork and luck. Been preparing for MPPSC and EPFO very diligently for last few months and I'm fairly confident in both and at the same time laying the groundwork for a serious 2022 attempt.
I'm a fairly optimistic and cheerful person, I have fantastic, god-like parents who support and encourage me every single day even though I've yet to show them anything for my efforts. But the thing is, these last few weeks, I've been experiencing crippling fear and anxiety the likes of which I've never felt in my life. I don't know what brought it on, maybe it was due to the fact that it's been exactly 2 years since I graduated and I haven't earned a penny, or because I've yet to taste any sort of success career-wise.
I can't sleep well, I can't concentrate, I get panic attacks and I have to rush to my room and calm myself down. I feel like I've let my parents down. I don't go out, I've gained a lot of weight, I don't talk to anyone, I try to study but the fear and anxiety makes it difficult. My friends are all employed, and I sense a mocking tune in their texts so I've stopped using social media.
Maybe all of this is normal for an aspirant, but since I've never experienced all things myself I'm scared. What if I don't make it? What if I keep letting myself and everyone around me down? I don't want to be a failure. I've never been an emotional person but these days I feel like I might burst into tears anytime. I don't know what to do. There's exactly 30 days to go for MPPSC and I should be revising diligently but I'm unable to focus.
I'm really sorry if I've upset anyone. I just don't know what else to do. I am very close to my parents but I don't want them to worry so this felt like the place to put my thoughts into words among peers. Again, sorry if this is not the right place for it.
A random aspirant.
This comment and Trivendrum Rajdhani's comment (can't find the tag, for some reason) reminded me of my own childhood. For a long period of time when I was quite young, all I wanted was to be the guy who could run trains.
That dream faded by 9th standard, to be replaced by the one I still hold dear and am trying to achieve.
As life would have it, I achieved my dream - just not the most recent one. Reading these comments gave me some of that childhood joy and that sense of wonder back. Thank you for that. :)
Also, tell me that tatkal booking trick - I shall put out the request to plug those loopholes! :P
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How many times have you encountered these thoughts?
1) My handwriting font is big / small and I don't know how many pages should I fill for different mark questions.
2) I'm unable to complete the questions in time.
3) How does a Mains answer booklet look in the exam?
4) Will I have enough space to write answers in the optional exam?
and many more.
Problem statement:
1) Most of us write Mains answers in A4 size (8.25 x 11.75 inches) pages and it is a wrong practice that can cause multiple issues. The answer booklet that you get in the mains exam is of the size - 8.5 x 10.5 inches. There is a difference of 7.9 square inches of area and this can make a difference of about 30 to 40 words. And, even if you trim the A4 page in it's length you still cannot get the adequate page margins because it is 0.25 inches smaller in the width as compared to the mains QCAB.
2) Most of us are not aware of how many pages are provided in the mains answer booklet for 10 mark (gs and optional), 15 mark (gs and optional), 20 mark (ethics and optional) and essay type questions. As a result, we tend to write less or more for such questions when we practice in mock tests.
3) There are test series where they ask questions for 12.5 marks and provide 3 pages which is currently not asked in the UPSC CS Mains exam. This adds a lot of confusion about how much to write and why we cannot finish the paper in time.
The solution:
1) UPSC CS Mains QCAB has 2 pages allotted for every 10 mark questions, 3 pages for 15 mark questions, 4 pages for 20 mark questions and 12 pages for essay question.
2) IASprepkit designed the booklets with a premium cover and 75 gsm inner pages and same page margins that you see in the UPSC CS Mains exam.
3) You can practice answer writing meticulously and train your brain for bring out the
If you have been writing answers on A4, Use these Mains QCAB booklets once and see how you can properly answer the questions in the allotted time. It will make a significant difference in your confidence.
EiChan,
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