[Results] Prelims 2020 Over - Gearing for 2021

HappyValley2020said

This was my 5th attempt. I flunked this year. I am an IITian. Friends told me prepare for RBI SEBI more technical things which hv certainty., dont go for uncertain arts. I did not listen. I pursued. Wanted to solve crime and see people get justice.  Ah!! my idealism. Bloody Crime Patrol.  And here I am after 5 years, with no job, and Body mass index crossing all acceptable limits and tons of failures. Qualified pre every time but Never crossed mains barrier. People here are talking about Plan B. Brother, There is no energy left in me to pursue anything. Parents have given up hope and friends are expanding population. I am just lonely loser sitting in this one empty room.
People try to cheer me up by saying I am an inspiration for them. I know what they mean. They mean to say "Look look!!  that what happens when you get overambitious." Pair utni failao jitni chadar ho jisko samajh nahi aata uska iss larke jaisa halat hota hai.  
I will probably not come again ever on social media bcz then I start comparing myself . So before my last adieu I want to speak my mind. Also bcz no one knows me here and their judgement will not affect me , I am taking this route. Otherwise in real world No matter what I say , I will be judged. No one will listen ki "Maine har saal mehnat kiya tha , har saal nind sacrifice kii thi, har baar evalute and re-evaluate kiya, har saal fight kiya". No one will believe. Infact my father doesnt believe in my efforts What can I say about others. All will say You did not give your best effort. You know what, the pain of failure doesn't hurt that much. What hurts most is that people do not acknowledge your sacrifices. Power of specs has increased, face has become like a squeezed tomato , male pattern baldness has set in, social circle is non-existent since 5 years. No one even recognizes it. 
And to top it, Coaching teachers have some hurtful comments. One teacher says, one who doesnt qualify is definitely not preparing and wasting his time, Second teacher says if u do not get single-double digit rank then ur efforts were useless , u shud have joined a PSU instead. Third teacher says, if u are not in till 4th attempt then quit and do something else- tumse na ho paega -its beyond your caliber.   I Hear these insults and humiliations on daily basis. But still I push myself. Manate hain dil ko , push karte hain khud ko. But no one will see it, All are going to say " 5 years since college and no jobs, Nalayak larka hai. useless kid. ". 
I cant even remember when was the last time I went on a vacation. I cant even imagine What is the feeling of being stress free, the feeling of being relaxed, feeling of security. 
I used to believe in God. But now I think if it existed then atleast once in these years it would have heard my prayers. People say God helps those who help themselves. They say as if I was swiping faces on tinder all these years. 
 Sometimes I think of quitting and reducing my carbon footprint once and for all. It will be less painful than daily dose of pain I bear. 

I dont even know why I am posting this on social media. Maybe I am looking for one teeny tiny ray of hope. Maybe some enlightened soul can help. Maybe I want to live and enjoy like others so I am writing all my ramblings. But there seems no hope. I am living example of demographic disaster. God please help me. I wish I had someone to talk to. 

Utkarsgsaid

@Katsumoto Bhai SEBI ka from bhar skte ho 31st October tak...new syllabus h so sb ek level pe h...Aur RBI grade B bhi aayega jldi...aur kch krna h to RRB PO ka bhi form bhar skte ho abhi...

HappyValley2020said

This was my 5th attempt. I flunked this year. I am an IITian. Friends told me prepare for RBI SEBI more technical things which hv certainty., dont go for uncertain arts. I did not listen. I pursued. Wanted to solve crime and see people get justice.  Ah!! my idealism. Bloody Crime Patrol.  And here I am after 5 years, with no job, and Body mass index crossing all acceptable limits and tons of failures. Qualified pre every time but Never crossed mains barrier. People here are talking about Plan B. Brother, There is no energy left in me to pursue anything. Parents have given up hope and friends are expanding population. I am just lonely loser sitting in this one empty room.
People try to cheer me up by saying I am an inspiration for them. I know what they mean. They mean to say "Look look!!  that what happens when you get overambitious." Pair utni failao jitni chadar ho jisko samajh nahi aata uska iss larke jaisa halat hota hai.  
I will probably not come again ever on social media bcz then I start comparing myself . So before my last adieu I want to speak my mind. Also bcz no one knows me here and their judgement will not affect me , I am taking this route. Otherwise in real world No matter what I say , I will be judged. No one will listen ki "Maine har saal mehnat kiya tha , har saal nind sacrifice kii thi, har baar evalute and re-evaluate kiya, har saal fight kiya". No one will believe. Infact my father doesnt believe in my efforts What can I say about others. All will say You did not give your best effort. You know what, the pain of failure doesn't hurt that much. What hurts most is that people do not acknowledge your sacrifices. Power of specs has increased, face has become like a squeezed tomato , male pattern baldness has set in, social circle is non-existent since 5 years. No one even recognizes it. 
And to top it, Coaching teachers have some hurtful comments. One teacher says, one who doesnt qualify is definitely not preparing and wasting his time, Second teacher says if u do not get single-double digit rank then ur efforts were useless , u shud have joined a PSU instead. Third teacher says, if u are not in till 4th attempt then quit and do something else- tumse na ho paega -its beyond your caliber.   I Hear these insults and humiliations on daily basis. But still I push myself. Manate hain dil ko , push karte hain khud ko. But no one will see it, All are going to say " 5 years since college and no jobs, Nalayak larka hai. useless kid. ". 
I cant even remember when was the last time I went on a vacation. I cant even imagine What is the feeling of being stress free, the feeling of being relaxed, feeling of security. 
I used to believe in God. But now I think if it existed then atleast once in these years it would have heard my prayers. People say God helps those who help themselves. They say as if I was swiping faces on tinder all these years. 
 Sometimes I think of quitting and reducing my carbon footprint once and for all. It will be less painful than daily dose of pain I bear. 

I dont even know why I am posting this on social media. Maybe I am looking for one teeny tiny ray of hope. Maybe some enlightened soul can help. Maybe I want to live and enjoy like others so I am writing all my ramblings. But there seems no hope. I am living example of demographic disaster. God please help me. I wish I had someone to talk to. 

vkpandeysaid

@Sailor same with me. Scoring 108-110 with different keys. But not found my roll no. in pdf

Percivalsaid

@HappyValley2020 I can relate to many things you said. I'm also an IITan. Cleared 5 Prelims and couldn't clear Mains yet. The depression and crisis is real.

My 2 cents: GET A JOB! Either an educational startup, coaching content curator, faculty, whatever you can lay your hands on. You have lost the luxury of preparing without a job. Anudeep Durishetty, Anu Kumari and many other stalwarts cleared the exam while they were working.

You can only prepare without a job for the first 1-2 attempts. After that, every attempt kills you a little bit. And unless you're financially, mentally, emotionally stable, you cannot give further attempts at peace. Trust me, everything will be fine. There is something called destiny.