Dear @Patootie For someone who made account on forum just like a passerby but with time became a regular silent lurker here only to give way to find one of the humblest, kindest , genuine person who eventually became a mentor of sorts , a true friend who made me re-question the abstract grey matter i had been hurling intentionally at myself unnecessarily just to hurt myself more and who actually had incredulous faith in me even after each spell of failure, gloom and darkness i projected out , it pains me . Not your result. No that was not on radar ever but to see you this way. But the good thing is that This feeling is simultaneously coupled with the firm belief and faith of seeing you emerge out of this even finer than you already are, and boy i wonder what might erupt when that happens.
And since the life stories and bare emotions shared on this platform here have been so overwhelming so as to poke the lurker inside me to come out, here goes mine. Mind you, its boring, lamer and just bla so read at your own expense. You stirred the hornet's nest yourself!
I graduated in engineering from a Tier 2 college even though i knew it wasn't my cup of tea because my single mother thought I might not be able to be "at par" with other cousins in the family who have " all the right people to guide their children about career choice". I was a bright student till 10th and so even i conceded to her advice of going with engineering. The period from 11th to final year of engineering was what i thought " The most suffering i can intake now and everything post this will just seem better". Got really decent placements, one of the best in the batch probably ( shocking since i knew what quality engineer i was but then we all know how it goes mostly in engineering placements - Decent command over language skills and a smiling nod here and there). Let go of them all because in my head I was just patronising it all with- " I should just silently wait for this mess to get over, give my mom the A4 sized degree and then just swish away into doing far greater things that are meant for me than this irrelevant distasteful ordeal."
In my head I was like " My soul was always humanities , I have always enjoyed studying Social Sciences till 10th, How difficult can it honestly be, max 2 attempts and i am going to swirl in the cosmos of bringing some real change to the system".
Lo behold my first attempt , prepared the best I could, devoted my entire being to just this and this very exam, missed the cutoff by the scantiest of 1.33 marks. 1.33 ! My world came crashing down. All the mental timelines of life events i had charted out , all in drain and its not like I was over confident or something. I might have been looking down when I graduated but a year of soulful preparation and nothing but this humbled whatever clouds of insanity I was on before.
And thus began the tryst of my disinterest and passionless endurance with the exam. Meanwhile I gave Law entrance and took admission in a Tier 2 college in my city because I just did not know what to dwell into to take my mind off this heartbreak and I thought getting a Law degree would maybe help me reconnect with the grassroot level closely because " everyone needs to know their rights and duties". Also safe bet of backup. But " the feel " was still missing. I still went on and gave my second attempt. It was just 2 days after the death of a family member i was closest to, one of the only 2 people who believed in me and never mocked me for switching curves and unconventional views. I am not using tragedy as an excuse since I had the entire year to reboot myself entirely but I probably should have let go of that attempt because I was not in the best of the mental state. Still a part of me thought it might just happen. Well it didn't and it shouldn't have ! I would have seriously doubted UPSC 's calibre then! This time missed by a decent margin of ~ 5 marks. More lethargy, lack of interest, the ignition, passion whatever you call it dampened. Meanwhile Law started growing on me , not in full bloom but bit by bit. I still feel it was my heartbreak and impulsive notion to occupy myself with something thats why I am still carrying Law. I dont hate it, i like it , its not bad but I don't love it as well. Not like the deep passion I feel for administration.
Jump to Third attempt, LOL ! I just gave it because I was in flow of giving them with each passing year. I was just breaking into law the whole time. Hardly read newspapers, or CA modules. I just gave it for the sake of it and also to show my mum yeah I am still in the loop or whatever so that her heart does not break. So ofcourse I did not clear. I took a break from the record and did not give it last year and thats when it dawned onto me- I have just been carrying the non-acceptance, hurt, denial , bruise on ego ( an ego which was self thrusted by the way, no one to blame ) of my FIRST PRELIMS FAILURE all this time. I haven't been able to get over it. And that non acceptance of failure stemmed from my own speculated mental timelines of what to achieve by which year and being quite rigid about the same, not giving space for anything else to grow or heal.
I thought getting into Law and distracting and diverting my energy would give me my reason and calling again but it just was like applying band-aid to a poisonous wound with puss coming out but taped to give an impression of all is well.I want to go on and on but at this point even I feel I should not transform this platform into an old agony aunty ranting street.
The point i am trying to make to you all is just as cliched as it can get and you might have heard a thousand times. But then again cliches exist for a reason don't they!? We are in this because we ourselves chose to be in this . For some it might be the glamour of doing the unconventional ( though I feel this race has become just about as conventional as it can now ), For some it might be due to an innate desire having stemmed from facing injustice or feeling the agony of helplessnes in life at some point, For some it might be another feather they want to add in their well donned cap. No reason is irrelevant as long as it is authentic to you and the very base of your principles and being. But simultaneously do know in the process of wounds caused due to failure in this cycle what is the degree of hurt caused. A band-aid wont work if you apply it on a poisonous wound and not every cut needs a surgical operation. Most of the time goes by in this fallacy of oscillating between the 2 extremes. And then follows regret and God knows regret hurts worse than the poisonous wound. I regret having wasted my second and third attempts like that because of my inadequacy to accept my wrong and be kinder to myself and give myself time to heal instead of jumping the next wagon to distract me thinking of it as permanent solution. Not to mention time also passed by and the healing did not take place too when wanted. Double regret !
Some people say this preparation is a marathon for all. I politely disagree. It might be a marathon for some and a bungee jump for others. Mountain for some, beach for others. Do not let yourself get moulded into the set vessels having dictated by "few generalistic success stories of some". What might be boon for them may become a bane for you. Choose your mechanisms carefully. As @whatonly has rightly said we are all wonderfully unique and a timeline of one shouldn't be the basis of judgement for your own. Even in marathon, the atheletes near the track are placed on a different level to the ones on the periphery. Know your own frame of reference and be truthful and authentic to it. Nothing else matters. Once you get the hang of that frame of reference you will know that its not that the trees outside the train window that seem to be overrunning you and leaving you behind, or you them, or the other train passing by etc. Its rather the vessel , the medium of transport you are in. Don't compare air travel with road and wonder how the other one reached faster. Both are separate and reliable modes of transport in their own spaces. You have to choose whether you want to cruise through the journey enjoying the landscape outside and reach a tad late or its the clouds that fascinate you and reach early flying through them. Ultimately both are bound to reach the destination they are paid for.
May the force be with you in deciding the same!! Excuse the typos or if I wrote something off the charts. Its the first time I wrote something I feel here.
@Devanapiyam words won't suffice to gauge the pain that you are going through. May your father be in a better place , Om Shanti🙏.
Losing a parent is unfathomable at any age , more so at a Sensitive one. I say that from experience. Especially when you see other families around. For them it might be a matter of fact thing but you tend to observe their each small action with greater reverence and wonder the "what ifs" in your own.
But to you I say , a person who knows the value of loss and grief of such scale at a Sensitive stage in life gets moulded into a very different species - a battle ready Armour if they choose to. Grief like this breaks you to pieces just to rebuild into a solid starling .Accountability and Responsibility comes sooner to you than others in the line. It evolves you.
At the moment you are the support your mother is seeking hold of for her very existence. Nothing can break her as long as you are on her side. And her you. Your father might not be present physically but the legacy he has left behind in your form is her very means of survival. And I say this to you with sincerity and honesty - this too shall pass one day. It really does. It has to. That's the law of nature.
Your mother and you are in my prayers today. You are a strong person. Stronger is your mum. Strongest you both will become with tide of time. All my prayers and love to you and please do not hesitate to say / blurt or ask for any kind of help here especially preparation related. We are with you in this together.
Take a break and come back stronger🌻
