MOTIVATION : How I Felt after seeing my Name in Final List of CSE 2018 – Yo Yo Choti Singh (1/11)

Dear Friends,

As you all know that CSE Final Results have come. There is an active thread to discuss how people felt when they first saw their name in the final list of CSE 2018. ForumIAS Member Yo Yo Choti Singh shares his feelings, in his own words

by Yo_Yo_Choti_Singh AIR 104

It was a not so normal evening. Like earlier 2 3 days I was busy in building MAAHOL in online telegram result bakar group. Bakar was at full fledged mode. Insider info was being collected and sent at thunderstorm speed. But deeper down after 4pm it got clear to me that IT’S COMING. Heart beat started increasing first time now.

My bhaiya and bhabhi g came from their respective jobs and made tea for all of us. They knew ki result aane wala h. So they enquired few times. I got irrirated due to peak of frustration. I asked them to leave me alone for next 1-1.5 hours after finishing tea. Told them to trust me that like last year Even in WORST CASE scenario “I WILL NOT DO SUICIDE.” And will tell them about it first and they should leave me alone for few hours again post telling that.
I was blunt (like I always has been in such things) , they saw me once with empathetic eyes and left for their room and closed the bolt. My eyes was back to screen and heart back to basics.

Soon after about 15 minutes, suddenly when MAAHOL was on peak, live reporting was being done by friends at UPSC- the HOLY PDF appears on group. “It’s out.” Message followed.

Like well discussed SOP in such tense situation first task was to verify it’s genuinity before even opening (few sadistic people always upload fake pdf in groups at peak moments ). But soon in seconds it was verified as genuine as my close friend only uploaded it who was a co admin and live from upsc.

With one tap file was downloaded instantly. Again 2nd rung of SOPs followed ie NEVER DO CTRL+F in holy pdf to avoid heart fail if that tiiiiiinnnnnggg of NO RESULT FOUND happens. So went for SCROLL DOWN TOP TO BOTTOM APPROACH.

Felt like peeing at this point. Suddenly god and faith become dominant and single pray of “HEY BHAGWAN IS BAAR KRWA DENA PLEASE. UN BUDDE MAA BAAP K LIYE IS BAAR KRWA DENA PLEASE. ” started oozing out of heart.

1st page scanning completed. Bullshitttt No result found. Entire past experience of failure revived before eyes in microseconds.

Seconds later, somehow took the courage to next level. Scanned 2nd page. Again same result. FATE ACCEPTED. Himmat nahi ho rhi thi ki aage dekhu bhi. Lga ki IAS m nhi hua matlab story repeated this year too. Stopped scrolling for seconds , felt like I should cry. But couldn’t gain enough courage to even do it.

After 5 6 seconds, again somehow moved to 3rd page. And OHHH MY GOD ! THE HIGHEST AWAITED MOMENT OF LIFE ARRIVES. The unique name was there at 104th. Couldn’t believe it. Matched roll number, yes it was same. But couldn’t believe it. Closed my eyes and saw again it was still there. Buttt couldn’t believe this. Closed the pdf. Went again to group. Downloaded a new pdf instantly. Saw it directly on 3rd page. It was there ! Yakeen ho chuka tha ki IT HAPPENED. Felt like crying, but couldn’t cry. Just everything stopped in surrounding. A strange numbness ensued.

Just woke up somehow. Knocked at bhaiya-bhabhi room door. They were more eager than me to open it. Within seconds bhaiya and bhabhi g was watching my face to hear that. I waited for 2 seconds. Bhaiya signed “kya rha? ” I just laid down on floor on his feets. Said “104th rank Bhaiya !”

Bhaiya shouted at his best. Hugged me. In seconds entire family was in tears. I showed pdf to bhaiya bhabhi and asked them to verify name. They knew it’s real. Bhaiya was hugging and kissing me.

I just dialled a 6 year long awaited call. “SWEET HOME” Calling… Screen displayed. Other side Baapu g picked up instantly “Haa bete kya rha ?” (He was waiting for it for 2 3 days, he knew I will call from my number only in one case!). The best words of life from my mouth ensued ” Pranaam papa g. Mubarak ho Beta collector ban gya aapka. Got AIR 104th in CSE.” Father shouted at his besttt and asked again to reverify what he just heared. I just asked MAA G KHA H UNKO BHI BTANA H. Papa was outside home, he said “ghar jaake krwata hu bete. Proud of you.”

Father ran towards home. But with a doctor neighbor. First mom was given an injection to calm nerves as she is a heart patient. Then told the good news. By then entire village neighbors was on my home door and celebrations followed. In between I called my Tau g. Same followed there too.

I was again just strangely numb. Bowed before Kanha g in my room. Bhaiya bhabhi was still crying and calling to other family members to tell about result.

What happened there after in unexplainable in words. Don’t remember who called and what said. I just keep saying THANKYOU G THANK-YOU.

Life changed thereafter. CHANGED A LOT. An Unforgettable experience.

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-Yo Yo Choti Singh

aka Vijay Saraswat,

AIR 104

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Watch his video below